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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dymphna

by EmeraldEyes


It is said true devastation occurs when the stars fall out of the sky.

Dymphna had prayed for this, as she waited, watching the inky night form.

“It is this night!” she bellowed. The crowd of people stood behind her, her followers, seemed to solidly support her, as they chanted and cheered at her words.

She spun to face them. Barely visibly in the dark were the crowds, except for the light from their torches, but Dymphna was something of a fearsome figure; and she alone stood clear among them. Her moss green hair hung down over her calloused caramel skin. Soulless aquamarine eyes like the harsh seas.

“My children, my subjects, you know how long I have been waiting for this night. Five hundred years, my time has been bid and is attached to the tides of the moon and the skies.”

The charisma with which she spoke had the crowd falling into the heavens of her words. “It is imperative that we must comprehend that we are changing our whole life’s course tonight and if that fact makes you uncomfortable; then feel free to abandon your destiny.”

She clapped her hands high above her head, like a puppeteer pulling the strings on all of their united puppets, the remaining stars in the sky did fall and silence blanketed the crowds forever. 


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Sun May 30, 2021 11:53 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Hmm...well this was quite an interesting little story...quite a lot of spooky things happening there...and a pretty scary lady you have there in this one too...well...more details on all of that down below. :D

Anyway let's get right to it,

It is said true devastation occurs when the stars fall out of the sky.

Dymphna had prayed for this, as she waited, watching the inky night form.


Uh oh...true devastation sounds like it could be a pretty bad thing here...are we starting of on a potentially apocalyptic note here.... well the inky night forming at any rate seems like something that would signal some form of destruction or despair or at least that's what it seems to mean on most occasions, let's see I suppose. At any rate, this is a pretty cool and very attention grabby opening that you got here.

“It is this night!” she bellowed. The crowd of people stood behind her, her followers, seemed to solidly support her, as they chanted and cheered at her words.


Oooh...okay...this is getting really interesting, talks of a dark event, a pretty appropriately evil looking description of the nighttime and also followers for whoever is announcing this, this is sounding a bit like a classic situation of some sort of cult maybe, I don't really know quite what you intend here, but let' see where this goes. My idea might be totally wrong after all.

She spun to face them. Barely visibly in the dark were the crowds, except for the light from their torches, but Dymphna was something of a fearsome figure; and she alone stood clear among them. Her moss green hair hung down over her calloused caramel skin. Soulless aquamarine eyes like the harsh seas.


OKay...well that certainly seems like she is a pretty scary lady, pretty neat description for here there at any rate...definitely seems like someone that would make a fearsome leader at any rate. Well let's see where this is headed.

“My children, my subjects, you know how long I have been waiting for this night. Five hundred years, my time has been bid and is attached to the tides of the moon and the skies.”


Well that's a very interesting speech there that she starts off with...oh wow...five hundred years is definitely a lot of time to wait for something and talking about the moon and the skies like that also adds quite a bit of mystery to who she might be and what kind of thing that whole starting paragraph might be related to. Well, let's see I suppose.

The charisma with which she spoke had the crowd falling into the heavens of her words. “It is imperative that we must comprehend that we are changing our whole life’s course tonight and if that fact makes you uncomfortable; then feel free to abandon your destiny.”


Oooh well she is certainly speaking like the kind of leader that has followers and not friends...the words she's using here at least seem to make it so...and well the kind of grand changing the course of life thing makes it sound like some serious things are about to go down here.

She clapped her hands high above her head, like a puppeteer pulling the strings on all of their united puppets, the remaining stars in the sky did fall and silence blanketed the crowds forever.


Well that leaves things open for interpretation somewhat but from what I can understand it looks like all those people were in fact exposed to something like the end of the world there or at least it doesn't look like they are alive any longer...seems like some cosmic event did happen, and was potentially caused by this lady...oh well...a bit of a scary ending on that one.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall...this was a really interesting story...its definitely talking about some pretty mysterious things and that ending was...well...very unexpected and seemed quite bad for all those poor people. Well, at any rate, that's all I've gotta say here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Jul 28, 2014 7:45 am
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Sampson wrote a review...



"The crowd of people stood behind her, her followers, seemed to solidly support her, as they chanted and cheered at her words." This is a really bad run on case. it should probably sound more like : "The crowd of people stood behind her. Her followers seemed to solidly support her, as they chanted and cheered at her words.


"She spun to face them. Barely visibly in the dark were the crowds, except for the light from their torches, but Dymphna was something of a fearsome figure; and she alone stood clear among them. Her moss green hair hung down over her calloused caramel skin. Soulless aquamarine eyes like the harsh seas." okay, so just a lot of run ons and sentences cut short. Also I'm not positive what this means. "Barely visibly in the dark crowds, except for the light from their torches..." What? Maybe just take a little time to evaluate your sentences to make sure they make sense.


"Soulless aquamarine eyes like the harsh seas." This just isn't a complete sentence. perhaps you could find a way to combine it with the previous sentence, or "Her aquamarine eyes soulless, like the harsh seas."


"if that fact makes you uncomfortable; then feel free to abandon your destiny.” that semi colon shouldn't be there.



This was incredibly interesting and I'd love to hear a story formed around this. You shouldn't abandon this thought and just leave it as is because it has a lot of potential. You're writing is incredibly good and creates a great mental picture (could be a tiny bit better) but you just have to work on sentence structure. It should have just been an easy read but those weird sentences just took away the fun.




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Thu Jul 24, 2014 7:44 pm
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thegirlwhowrites wrote a review...



Hello!

I really liked this! You chose a specific style and language to use and you kept it throughout the story and I think that's actually really effective.
I liked the story and your characters are so interesting! I know it's a short story and while that's good and it doesn't bore the reader it also leaves so many unanswered questions... I want to know more! :D Maybe you could consider lengthening it just a little bit?

Here are some nitpicks:



The crowd of people stood behind her, her followers, seemed to solidly support her, as they chanted and cheered at her words.


Something doesn't sound right here. I think you need a "who" in between "people" and "stood".

Barely visibly in the dark were the crowds, except for the light from their torches, but Dymphna was something of a fearsome figure; and she alone stood clear among them.

Again there's something off here. I would change the wording. If I understand what you mean, I would write something like this but this is just my suggestion: "The crowds were barely visible in the dark, the only light coming from their torches; but Dymphna was something of a fearsome figure; and she alone stood clear among them."

Soulless aquamarine eyes like the harsh seas.

I do this all the time too, but I think you need a "she had" at the beginning of this sentence.

Bye! :)




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Thu Jul 24, 2014 9:22 am
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wunmi wrote a review...



I really like this. It's short enough that you don't get tired of reading it, but long enough to give your readers time to get a picture of the world you're painting for them which means they have the space and enough information to imagine and continue the story themselves.
I also like Dymphna as a character. She gives a high priestess vibe which makes me think she would do anything to lead the people that follower in her beliefs and to greatness through them.
The only thing is I think this piece should be left (in it shortness and with minimal information) because if it was too long interest would be lost. Part of the fun with this story is you get to picture yourself in this world and because you don't fully understand it you get to build it up yourself using the clues left behind.




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Thu Jul 24, 2014 9:17 am
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Vari wrote a review...



Hi Emerald,

Short but sweet. A few spelling mistakes her and there 'rom' instead of 'from' and some such. A few parts of Dympha's speech seemed a bit off to me. As a charismatic leader and a puller of puppet strings shouldn't Dympha want to encourage her followers in this last moment before the star falls? To stay and face their destiny and to let go of their fear?
Also, starting her sentence with "I think" detracts some of the power her speech should have.

Hope this helped C:

~Vari





Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill