Young Writers Society

I really like this poem it really good and insightful. What I love the most about it is the imagery that you used…

“Grinding them underfoot;
Casting others in your shadow,
Covering them in darkness.”

But what I think really makes the poem is the tone. The words you used in the poem are amazing, I can clearly see the use of onomatopoeia in the poem with words such as “grinding” and “grapple”. This increases the visual effect of the poem and is one of the reasons why I like it.
As much as I like the poem I’ll have to disagree with you on the last two lines in the poem

“Hold on to what is solid and real,
Only that is True Happiness.”
I do not find this true, I agree that what is solid is must often the things that is true and the most of the time it is certain that we can trust them more, so its making me to ask: when you say hold on to things that are “solid” do you mean this figuratively? Because earlier in the poem you say that we should love each other and love isn’t exactly something you can hold in your hands. Maybe you should be a bit clearer or leave it like that. It allows people to think
-wunmi

I love this poem, and Happy Review Day!

First, is this necessary?


"Caring not if others fall"

Why not "Not caring"?


And also, you don't have to capitalize this...

"Only that is True Happiness."

Overall, this was good, and you are a natural. Just find what works best for you. I hope to see more of your poems in the Green Room! Keep writing!

I like this poem a lot! I definitely like the first stanza, same with the end stanza. The title I would agree that it is true happiness. And also, that ending line ends it perfectly! I love your poems! I will look out for more of your poems and stories. Don't give up and keep on writing, Nica!

-Unknown391625

Hello.

So I noticed that this was very well written, however I find myself inclined to disagree with the major point of the work, which is revealed in the end stanza:

Let go of your mad race,

Your dreams made of ash.

Hold on to what is solid and real,

Only that is True Happiness.

Never to be free

From care, toil, and hardship;

Always wanting more power,

Always needing something more.

Okay. Let me see if I got this right. "True Happiness" is contentment? If so, I definitely like the message. If not, please let me know what it is.
"Twisting limbs", "Earth's tangled web", "constant grapple"; you wrote great imagery!
I like it a lot!!!

I don't see anything major to be changed... I'm scouring it as closely as possible.
Okay, in the beginning you wrote, "Twisting limbs, strangled voices;". The comma needs to be changed either to an "and" or a semicolon.
You don't even have to change this, because it is correct either way. You wrote,

"Never to be free

From care, toil, and hardship;"

I would have written "care, toil, or hardship". That's probably just me, though.
Later, you wrote, "When only love and trust brings us together?". "Brings" should just be "bring".
For some strange reason, "Only that is True Happiness." sounds a bit confusing. I think. it slightly interrupts the flow of the last verse.

Overall, you did a really good job!! Notice that all my nitpicks were only the really really picky stuff. My favorite verse (strangely) is this one:

"Caring not if others fall,

Grinding them underfoot;

Casting others in your shadow,

Covering them in darkness."

Probably because of the variety of verbs and nouns.
Anyways, good job, and keep writing!!!

Hi!

Just dropping off here to say that I really liked your poem a lot! I love the message behind it and I think you carried it out excellently and effectively.
To me it almost felt like you firstly gave a background of your poem, describing the image of basically the opposite of what the message is trying to convey, "true happiness".
What I also liked is to see what you thought was True Happiness, and I think you describe it most in this stanza:

"Why the constant grapple with others,
When only love and trust brings us together?
Will you not see the misery you feel,
The pain and sorrow you cause?"

It gives the reader the answer of the poem, what the author believes to be "True Happiness" and I love how you were able to show it in your poem without specifically saying: true happiness is....

I'm not the best at poetry but to me your grammar looks right
You used beautiful imagery and metaphors so well done Jen that!!

Bye!