Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well..this was not quite what I was expecting with that title, but well, I was most definitely very pleasantly surprised by the premise here, and I think this could make for a pretty cool story here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Do you know how does it feel to wake up every morning, knowing that you’re going to die. I don’t mean die as in its inevitable, everyone dies. I mean die as in you know the exact date, the exact time, the exact way.

No, of course you answer back with a no. You humans are so ignorant. You travel through life knowing you’re going to die, but pay no mind to the inevitability of it. None of you realize what death really is, you think that its crossing over into paradise. It isn’t. Death is relative like time. What if I told you that time and death were linked infact they were mirror images of each other.

There's only one difference. One is recognized fondly among the living, while the other is prevented. Yet there is a group of us, those who have no choice, but to accept death simply because we are death. We are an embodiment of the thing feared by all, the thing hated by all.

We have no cool name that when announced makes someone shudders, infact there is no knowledge of our existence. We walk among people, we walk among shadows, and most importantly we walk among graves. There is just one draw back, our time on Earth is limited and there is only one that can travel back with us, become a slave themselves. So as they warned me I’ll remind you: Never get attached.

Okay so overall very good start. However, I agree with some of the other reviewers, the first sentence is off. As another reviewer suggested, lose the "does" and change feel to feels. I really did enjoy this piece, and I would love to read more. The concept is so unique, and I'm very intrigued by it. Well that's all I have to say, keep up the good work!

Do you know how does it feel to wake up every morning, knowing that you’re going to die. I don’t mean die as in its inevitable, everyone dies.

Death is relative like time. What if I told you that time and death were linked[bold][italic]?[/bold][/italic] infact they were mirror images of each other.

We have no cool name that when announced makes someone shudders, infact there is no knowledge of our existence.

wow, this is a great opening. It had me hooked from the very first line. I think this is a very interesting idea, definitely a first. This piece shows some originality and the idea is very unique. One of my favorite lines was, " Death is relative like time." It is very simple yet it is really complex at the same time. For the line, " We are an embodiment of the thing feared by all, the thing hated by all." All i suggest is to maybe replace the word 'thing' with something else, but again just a suggestion. Great job and keep up the good work!

This sounds like it will be a very interesting read. I see you are going to try developing a "theory" about time and death, and I'm curious to know what it is.

I don't know if you were actually submitting this to be improved, or just to introduce your story, but I'll review it anyway.
I noticed that you need to polish off your use of punctuation, and watch out for overly long sentences.

"No, of course you answer back with a no." I would put a period after the first "no", and capitalize "of".
"What if I told you that time and death were linked infact they were mirror images of each other." This is how I would write the sentence: "What if I told you that time and death were linked? That in fact, they were mirror images of each other?" I separated the sentences just to even it out a little.
"We have no cool name that when announced makes someone shudders, infact there is no knowledge of our existence." Here is how I would write that one: " We don't have a cool name, that, when announced, makes you shudder. There is no knowledge of our existence whatsoever." I just added punctuation here and there. I also thought you might have used "in fact" a bit too much.

Overall, you just need to polish it off a little, and go over your sentences. I can't wait to read your story!
Keep on writing!!!

Firstly, I think there may be an error in the first sentence

"Do you know how does it feel to wake up every morning"

It doesn't really make sense to me. Anyway i think this could actually be intresting if its led on correctly. the fist three pharagraphs really got me intrigued, the iea behind it was like nothing i've read before so it intrested me. The last paragraph i didn't really like i felt like it was leading the story into the direction of it being a romance. this kind of made me weary of the story. i don't think people mind reading books that are slightly romantic but i think it's better to gently lead people into it so they don't think of the story as another romance. if they do less attention would be given to the picture of the world you would paint around them and every character would be the potential romantic lead. I think it would be better if you first get your readers to understand the world you've placed your characters in and your main character(s) before hinting there could be a possible romance.
other than that I think this could shape to be a really good novel