z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Requiem of God: Prologue

by NafaKitty


Prologue

"Navayah! You dare betray us?" the woman unsheathed her sword, the wind causing emerald strands to flare behind her.

"You have the nerve to raise your sword to me?" Navayah took a step forward. The rumble of thunder surrounded them as lightning illuminated the sky below them.

"It was you, was it not? You were the one who killed the Divine!" the woman flew at Navayah as the dark clouds around them released their heavy burden. She soared forward easily, despite the high winds that pulled relentlessly at jade feathers.

"Why would I do such a thing? I have no desire for more power! I would have disposed of the other three Seraphs first. I am not as foolish as you." the wind grew stronger as Navayah lifted her arm. The other woman was almost blown back by the strength of the gusts fighting her small frame.

Navayah barely lifted her arm in time to block the slash aimed at her waist. She retaliated by grabbing the dagger sheathed at her belt and aimed it at the woman's arm.

The woman pulled back and raised her arms up above her head.

"Oh great spirits of the sky, hear my cry! I summon thee forth! Mihara come to my side!" a streak of light temporarily blinded Navayah. When her vision cleared she had to drop down quickly to avoid the huge fangs of the winged lion that had been summoned.

The next attack came far quicker than Navayah had thought possible for a beast of Mihara's size. The lion twisted in midair and bit her shoulder and wing all at once, holding her there. She tried to stab the lion behind her, but not only was it an awkward position, the lion's coat was so thick no ordinary blade could pierce it.

The woman whom had summoned Mihara began chanting in the language of angels, their language. She called upon the spirits of the dead to guide her in this ritual. Tendrils of bright blue light surrounded her as she once more held her arms up and her eyes turned pure white.

Navayah began struggling anew as she watched those tendrils inch towards her. At the moment, she didn't care if she ripped her shoulder apart. She had to get away.

Too late.

One of the tendrils latched on to her arm causing white, hot pain to sear all the way up to her shoulder. It felt as though her arm was going to fall off. Then another one attached itself to her, and another, and another. Before long, she was completely covered, having long ago passed out from the pain.

Slowly the tendrils faded away, leaving behind a white statue of Navayah. Her eyes were shut, it looked as though she were merely sleeping. The wing that Mihara had bitten was at an odd angle, since it had broken when Mihara pulled away to avoid the tendrils.

The woman motioned for Mihara to grab the statue of Navayah and follow her as she flew back towards the large blanket of pure white clouds in the sky. She was one of the only two left. She was wary of the other, it was his life work to seal things away, but he was a traitor to their kind. He would pay for his sins.

She walked through the elegant pearl gates that lead to the Celestial Sky and a young child came running, her hair the same deep red as Navayah's had been not so long ago.

"Mother! No! H-How could you!" the child froze in place, her eyes wide. She seemed to lose all strength in her legs as she dropped to her knees, muttering 'mother' over and over again. The woman didn't say anything to the little girl; she just gave her a sympathetic look and continued on her way.

She went to the Great Hall, where the white statue of a male angel was. She placed Navayah next to his form. She could still see him vividly, his electrifying orange eyes and rust colored wings. He'd been the epitome of perfection. She placed her hand on his cheek and silently renewed her vow for vengeance.

Thousands of years ago, when man-kind were just creatures living in caves and surviving day to day, a great war was waged in the heavens above them. If man had paid more attention to their surroundings, they would have noticed he changes sooner. The world began to grow colder and colder each passing day, and before long the great Ice Age was upon them.

There were only four people in this war, the strongest of the angels, the Seraph. They had been the ones that the Divine had entrusted to keep the Celestial Sky afloat and hidden from prying eyes. Their in-fighting were the cause of the drastic changes on earth. Already, one of them had been bested and sealed.

Each of the Seraphs represented one of the four cardinal direction; north, east, south, and west. Each with an equal amount of power and the ability to call forth one single celestial creature. They had been the most trusted by the Divine, only for them now to be trying to defeat each other in a battle of power and betrayal.

Eventually, all four Seraphs were sealed away, three done by each other, and the last sealed by the arch angel, Michael. The four Seraphs were gone, the Divine was gone. The Celestial Skies needed a leader, and they found that in Michael. He stepped up to take control, never alerting the angels below about what had happened.

He never told anyone what had caused the war between the Seraphs, many didn't think he knew while others believed it was so traumatic he'd made himself forget. He had looked up to them, they had been his role models. They had been everyone's role models. Incorruptible, sincere, trustworthy, everything that an angel should be, they were. Or, so everyone had thought. It took centuries to recover from their shock, and by then man-kind had grown tired of waiting for them to show themselves and other religions began to appear. Religions that had nothing to do with the angels who watched them, or the Divine that had loved them so.

Michael vowed to rememdy that, and began with wriing a book, acting as though the Divine had never died. He created stories to explain how the world had begun. Humans, they latched onto this book and named it the Bible. They began to call the Divine, God. And so the era of Christianity and Judaism began.


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131 Reviews


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Wed Jul 23, 2014 2:18 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



The beginning is a bit sudden. You need at least a sentence or two of establishment before going into dialogue considering this is your first chapter. Also, does this need to be a prologue? There’s action and characters and stuff happening so why not chapter one?

raise your sword to me

Against me, you have the nerve to raise your sword against me, not to me.

The rumble of thunder surrounded them as lightning illuminated the sky below them.

Here it would have been nice to know they are in the sky and how early on. By how I mean, a winged horse? A magic carpet? Wings? Just ability to fly? I know it becomes clear later on, but you need to establish it much earlier for the sake of clarity and immersion.

The other woman

Give her a name, she is the antagonist in the scene, she needs a name.

...was almost blown back...
Navayah barely lifted her arm...
She retaliated by grabbing...


Three examples of where the flow breaks. The first I think you can use a better verb or description instead of "almost." The second, the adverb, be wary of adverbs, the majority of times you don’t need them. The third you use two verbs where one would suffice. There is no need to say she "retaliated by," just say she grabbed, becomes much more direct and engaged.

light temporarily blinded Navayah

Again. Kill the adverb.

I like the fighting scene, but the ending paragraphs are a bit dry. It’s mostly exposition and you don’t need it in such a form. Weave it in gradually throughout your future narrative and action, don’t serve it in blocks of texts. Else everything is good, just look over your language and think of how to go more hands on, close to the action by avoiding structures I pointed above. Work on that flow. Reading helps in such cases, so grab a book and read a little every day. And finally as the previous review mentioned, a detail or two here and there won't hurt the story.




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Wed Jul 23, 2014 4:24 am
windrattlestheblinds wrote a review...



The idea behind this is really interesting to me. I have a weakness for god-is-dead stories with god’s attendants carrying on as best they can, and all the problems that entails, so obviously I was excited to see this! I think you’ve got a good foundation to work from.

I’m a little unclear on some of the details of what’s going on, like who the woman who summoned Mihara is and what role she played in all this (is she a Seraph?). Some ambiguity is to be expected, because this is just a prologue after all, but I kept trying to work out who the woman was and not being able to figure it out, and that got frustrating pretty quickly. If she’s another Seraph, go ahead and identify her as one. If she’s working with Michael, or something, you could let the reader know that. And even just giving her a name at the beginning would help alleviate some of that sense of “who in heaven’s name is this lady and why do I care about her” that kind of pervades the whole prologue.

Also: You do some weird POV jumping. In the opening sequence, it seemed like the narration was half in Navayah’s head and half omniscient narrator, which was disorienting, and then it became the unnamed woman (this was the point at which it became weird to me that she didn’t have a name, btw, because it seemed like we were in her POV now and in third person writing the POV character is usually referred to be name), and then we had the flashback to what Michael did, and without a single, consistent POV for the narration, it was sort of hard to follow. If you want an omniscient narrator, really own that and give equal attention to the actors in each section. And if you want a more limited perspective—pick ONE character, and stick with them for either the whole piece, or until a clearly marked scene break. It’ll make it a lot easier for your readers to follow along.

I like the mythology you begin to build toward the end. It seems like the Seraphs might actually have been incorruptible when the Divine was around, and then rot started to creep in after the Divine died and promptly escalated out of control because there was no all-powerful force to give them guidance. Which is a fun theme to work from, and gives you all sorts of opportunities to play with angel psychology and its effects on mankind in the future.

I’m looking forward to seeing where you go with this!





Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson