Young Writers Society

I like the question marks. For me, when I read it quickened the pace of the piece. It did make the person who seemed to ask the question sound nervous, kind of spinless maybe( but that isnt the word im looking for). If this was intended i think it gave the person more depth, making me feel as if I as part of the emotional journey the person made to the final decision of leaving. I think the last two lines especially make you feel this way. i dont think the rhyme was nescessary, it think it draws attention from the poem and the emotions found in it.

In the first line, is should be if, I think. Also, I don't really that many question marks are needed. Here:

And what if I told you I was leaving today
Would you try and stop me?

And in "Oh and I'll already be gone", it should be "Oh, and I'll already be gone".

Also, the title should be, "I'll Be Gone".

This was good, though, and if I knew you, I would say yes. This was a review from wisegirl22. End of critique. Byezeez!

Hey, Chips here with a review and welcome to YWS!

I liked how you maintained a focus on being gone and the questions for the reader to think about as thoughts.

Your title should have an apostrophe, e.g. *I'll* so just double check that.


"What is I just ran away?
If i just decided to get up and leave?"

I think you meant to write, *if* instead of "is" in your first line here. You also needed to capitalize "i" to *I* in your second line, so remember to proof read your work.

"Would you even notice?
Would you even miss me?
What if I told you where I would stay?
Would you tell anybody?
Would you come visit one day?
Or what if I never spoke to you again?
Would you try and text me?
Would you try and be a friend?"

Here, the questions became far too overbearing. The phrasing of the questions was also the same, so it became redundant and the questions lost their effectiveness. I think you also could have used imagery which can lead to many questions without directly asking them too. The question in referencing to, "texting" etc.. could be cut out as they don't add much poetic meaning to your poem.


Overall good job and keep writing! I hope this review helped.


--Chippy

Hey there. I'll be writing you a review. This will be just quick.
Grammar check first:
"What is I just ran away?"
The word "is" should be "if". Maybe it was just a typographical error but "if" because that was the only grammar error in the poem and I see that you have good grammar though.

Writing a poem is not just about ranting your thoughts while it pops up in your head but sometimes you just have to let the words flow accordingly in a smooth order and you have portrayed that method well.

Actually, I really like your poem. It's not over-dramatic and it sounded playful yet sad. Another thing is that when I read it, it was like a song playing in my head. You know how songs linger and create an impression to you especially when you can relate to it? It was like that and I felt the subtle emotion that was gradually increasing as I read your work. It was cute since I'm a teen and I know how you feel. You picked a wonderful theme.

You have a lot of potential. Keep it up!