z

Young Writers Society



He took my breath away.

by SecreteJournalist


He took my breath away.

Bright eyes that shone
even in the darkest of days.
A smile that left a 
cold room feeling warmer.

He took my breath away.

Laughter that shook the
room that once stood silent.
Words wrapped in excitement
each and every time he spoke.

He took my breath away.

A warm embrace with
a body made up of confidence.
Blood pulsing through his 
veins with a true meaning.

He took my breath away.

When his laugh fell silent
on a joke he once loved.
With eyes that kept staring
yet never saw a thing.

He took my breath away.

Whispering of thoughts that
bounced wildly in his mind.
He was breathing yet inside
he felt completely dead.

He took my breath away.

A smile that wasn't complete
across his saddened face.
Tears for all the years he
held his sorrow in closed fists.

He took my breath away.

Lifting up his sleeve
to reveal a scarlet line.
The first of many to appear
across his slender body.

He took my breath away.

Leaving goodbye notes in
shaky cursive as he cried.
Grabbing the metal gun
and pressing it against his temple.

He took my breath away.

Hiding secrets behind saddened 
eyes as he whispered his last goodbye.
Letting his finger pull the trigger and
slumping against the polished wood floor.

He took my breath away.

The sound of a bullet piercing the
silence and alarming those who heard.
Blood spilling onto the floor
in a red velvet puddle.

He took my breath away.

Tears sliding down my eyes
as his own stared off into paradise.
Looking at a crumpled body of a
boy who once stood tall and proud.

He took his own breath away.




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10 Reviews


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Reviews: 10

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Tue Jul 22, 2014 6:04 am
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Jessheeran wrote a review...



This is literally the saddest poem I have ever read, be it books, websites, whatever. I can connect to this in so many levels, being that my ex fiancé was suicidal, and I had to live with the constant fear that someday I'd write a poem like this. [Hopefully, I never will.]
I could feel my own breath being taken away from me, as I got closer and closer to the end, and I have to say this is my favorite poem I've read in this website so far. It is brilliantly written and wonderfully thought out.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us! Keep up the amazing work!






Thank you, I appreciate it immensely! c:



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Points: 296
Reviews: 7

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Tue Jul 22, 2014 5:54 am
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EgTucks wrote a review...



Wow, this was very well written. I had no idea what direction you were going to take this, you completely through me in for a loop. I was falling in love with the character and it broke my heart to see his tragic ending. " Hiding secrets behind saddened eyes as he whispered his last goodbye. Letting his finger pull the trigger and slumping against the polished wood floor." This line sent chills throughout my body, it honestly could even be song lyrics. Nice job, keep up the good work!






Thanks so much, I appreciate it (:



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Tue Jul 22, 2014 5:01 am
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BriRob2k14 says...



Oh my goodness this is the best thin I have ever read!






Thank you!



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52 Reviews


Points: 308
Reviews: 52

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Tue Jul 22, 2014 3:34 am
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Sillia wrote a review...



Hi, Sillia here!

this is a really well written poem and i really really like it! :3 There is possibly only a few things that I would suggest you change.


A smile that left a
cold room feeling warmer.


I like where you were going with this, but it dosen't seem to fully flow. Try a synonym for warmer. i would have said bright but you already said that soo....

a body made up of confidence.
Blood pulsing through his
veins with a true meaning.


I like the first part, a body made up of confidence, but it dosen't really seem to fit with the flow of the poem, especially the more intement mood that the words are setting at the start.

Hiding secrets behind saddened
eyes as he whispered his last goodbye.


if i could suggest, I would just add the word 'eyes' on to the first line so it would read,

"hiding secrets behind saddened eyes,
as he whispered his last goodbye."

But thats just me.

Other wise i really like it. i like the emotion put into it and i could sorta picture what was happening. it told a story and thats hard to do in a story. let me know if you write anything more. Keep writing for sure!

<Sillia>






Thanks for the review (:




I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara