Young Writers Society

I really like this story, it was the title that drew me in, it seemed like a name to me but the name was unusual enough to set my curiosity flaring. I think it’s an unusual piece and it certainly does match its name in that sense. It a bit to short, usually when a story is short it adds to its mystery and though the reader didn’t get every bit of information they wanted they still like the story because it lets their mind to explore all the different possibilities there is, this applies especially for writers I think. What I said above applies to this story, its short length gives the story a sense of mystery and allows other people to take the story further in their minds but I think it’s just a bit too short, it feels like a prologue to a book rather than a short story. There are some thing that are vital in the story that you should have given information about, like who are the rakes, what are they etc. and maybe what being a bearer of the mark suggest though this point isn’t as necessary as explaining the rakes.
If it is a book chapter or prologue then you’ve left it of with a very good amount of tension and mystery.
I really like this story and I would really like to see a continuation.
Keep the writing spirit alive- wunmi.

Hello! Zontafer to review your work!

I really liked this short! It reminded me of Norse Mythology/Middle Earth (Tolkien).

One thing I don't get is why this is written in italics. Is it because it is a memory, dream, flashback, someone telling a story, or perhaps just because you like it? You're the author.

The story felt pretty mystic throughout the writing, the italics may be a part of it. I also kept wondering of what Ehléwin had done towards the attacker, also how it possibly could have shocked the audience.

Some nitpicks:

She gathered few strength that was left in her body...

She gathered what was left of the strength in her body...

Thank you Cricket . It will surely continue Vivian(i'm glad you liked it) but for the next couple of weeks i'm really busy at work

Now this has to continue, you left us hanging off a cliff. I love the story, it's great. Your idea seems so original and I just want to know where you got it from. Is the rake thing part of some old legends? Where is the name Ewlewin from, it's beautiful?

Hi! Cricket here for a review as requested! Thanks for asking! Always a pleasure to help someone out. (Also, I apologize for taking so long to get to this)


Well it seems that somebody already helped you out with your tenses, so I'll just focus on other things.

Number 1.

Description

He approached the woman only now realizing that she was beautiful. She had pale skin, dark hair, yellow cat-like eyes and her lips were blood red. Her skin was velvet soft and there were no features that one could tell her age by. She was wearing a blue satin cloak, black leather boots and on her left hand index finger a silver ring with a black pyramid shaped rock.

"It is not my intent to harm any of you and it is not in your interest to put yourself in harm's way. What you saw was an act of self-defense and just a taste of what I am capable of. All I want is a hot meal and a warm bed to rest as most of you so please, leave me be."

You are a ráke, i knew it

Thank you both for the reviews

The murder at the beginning was surprising because I thought that the mc was talking about singing at first. I was going to mention the passive voice, but windrattlestheblinds has already spoken about it. I don't think the entire piece should be written in italics. It is especially difficult for some people to read. I am one of those people. I am glad that it was short, or I would not have been able to make it through all of the italics. This is fantasy, but some of the dialogue was over dramatic. You might tone it down just a notch. I also found that the descriptions tended to the too much side. Is it needed to know right away every detail about the lady's looks? I would slip a detail in here and there instead of putting the description in in a big chunk if that makes sense. The story was fun. I liked it over all. What is the picture at the bottom of the document?

Murder is always a great way to open a story, especially with such an interesting murder weapon! However, right now, you’ve got it all phrased in passive voice (ie “[to be/is/was/were] [other verb]”), which can get boring to read really fast, especially with something as intense as Narrator singing a guy to death. And that’s a trend that continues throughout the story. Go to town with more active verbs—a good activity is to try rewriting the whole story without a single instance of was or were. Obviously, these words have their uses and they’re not bad in and of themselves, but banning yourself from using them at all for a little while really helps if you’re overusing them.

I like that murder-singing appears to have wiped Narrator out. Or else that she’s just shy and making speeches terrifies her. Either way, it’s a nice immediate flaw to see after the shock of “this lady can kill things WITH HER VOICE.” Balance like that, especially in the beginning of a story, is really important for preventing characters from coming off like unrelatable gods.

The description of Dalomir is another example of good imagery and description that just gets bogged down with passive voice—instead of “was wearing,” try “wore,” and so on. It’s a good passage and really conveys this sense of an old, respectable warrior who is nonetheless going to try keeping the peace, now you just need to make it feel more immediate by slashing out the passive voice.

I want to know what a bearer of the Mark is/does/means! You don’t have to jump into a big exposition about it—that would just slow the narrative to a crawl and be annoying—but a hint would not go amiss. Is it a religious thing? Rare? Some kind of warrior sect? Readers are like puppies in a way—if you don’t give us anything, we’re liable to get frustrated, but if you give us some nice crumbs, we’ll be hanging on your every word waiting for the actual treat.

Anyway. As an introduction to a longer story, I think this works really well! It doesn’t try to give us ALL the information at once, which is a mistake a lot of fantasy tends to make, but it also isn’t so stingy with details that it feels like we’re being cheated. And of course, it ends with a lot of stuff coming out very quickly at the end, which gives you ample places to go if/when you continue writing.