z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

John's Quest~Chapter Four

by r4p17


John rocked back and forth on his saddle as he splashed across the stream, spraying water in all directions. Once across he and Sawyer climbed the opposite bank and rode up to a four way intersection. John looked at Renalf for direction. He had absolutely no idea where he was going. The day before this might have bothered him a good deal, but his trust in Renalf had increased in the past half day. John didn't really know why he trusted the old haggard man, but he did nonetheless. Maybe it was that he had slept through the night unharmed, or maybe the fact that everything Renalf had told about being transported into another world and being an elf turned out to be true in the end. Yet he did trust the old man more than he did a day ago.

"Which way do we go?" John asked. "I assumed we will have to make a turn sooner or later."

"Yes, we turn here. This road leads us to the village of Trewant several miles down the road."

John pulled on the neck rein of his horse Sawyer. For the first ten minutes they trotted along the road at a good pace. For the rest morning they walked their horses except for two short rest periods. By the time the sun reached it's zenith John was as sore as could be, not to mention tired. The night before he had been on watch for four hours and lost half a night of sleep.

Renalf directed his horse, Mist, to a grove of gnarled trees growing by a rocky stream about ten feet across. John followed him on the back of Sawyer. John was just starting to sweat, after being on the back of a horse for several hours under the hot southern sun. He led Sawyer to the banks of the stream and let him drink. In the meantime John filled up his canteen. He even splashed water onto his face to relieve some of the heat and remove the sweat. He made sure he and Sawyer were fully hydrated before leading his horse back into the grove of trees.

Renalf was still busy when John broke open his bag of food. He took out the remaining roll in the bag and ate it along with an apple or two hanging from the branches of the trees. It was too sour for his taste buds, but out in the wilderness that was all he could come by until he and the wizard reached the all edged village of Trewant. When John had asked how long it was to the village Renalf had replied in typical fashion by saying that it was only a few hours away.

I suppose I should stock up on these apples in the event that we don't reach Trewant before the end of tonight.

"Are you ready to depart your majesty?" Renalf asked as he packed up his saddle bags.

"Yes, just give me a second to fill my pack up with these apples. I am sure Sawyer will want then to munch on at some point." John said as he ripped one off of a tree. Renalf rolled his eyes in annoyance. "What? It is a commonly known fact that horses love apples. They're good tasting and they are good for their health. I am sure you have a soft spot for sweets!"

"I very well may like sweet things and apples very well may be healthy, but giving apples to a horse is good for nothing but spoiling them. As a general rule I only give them a treat if they do something deserving of it." Now it was John's turn to roll his eyes. As if walking all morning is NOT enough to make the horse deserve an apple! But aloud he discreetly, remained quiet.

Once his pack was full he walked over to Sawyer, tied the saddlebags down, and mounted with a flourish. John was glad to see that Renalf was looking in the opposite direction.

Once they were across the stream they entered a large forest. Ahead, John could see for two hundred feet, but off to the side, he could only see a few yards at the most. However he could hear hundreds of noises. All around him birds were chirping greetings or flying away. Here and there a rabbit would dart in an out of a bush, or scurry of the path. There were also a good number of chipmunks and squirrels trying to find nuts.

"It is so peaceful out here." John muttered half to himself. "It's as if all these creatures didn't nothing in the world to care about. The birds are so cheerful and pleasant here!"

"Yes. I only wish that it were the same elsewhere. Then perhaps you would never been sent here. However we cannot change what has already past: only influence what will happen."

John nodded in agreement. Though he is old and a little bit queer, in the old fashioned sense of the word, he does have a certain amount of wisdom behind his odd facade.

For a while they rode on in silence with a brief exchange here and there, though in general the two odd companions rode on in silence, looking around at the greenery and swatting away the legion of Mosquitos that followed them. Renalf for his part could care less about the flies. He was protected by a grey green cloak and a long trousers. The flies had almost not chance of penetrating his thick layer of clothing. John however, was constantly being bitten by a veritable swarm of insects who could easily get to his exposed arms. Fortunately he was protected by a pair of blue jeans he happened to be wearing at the time when he fell asleep at camp.

"Could you please cast a spell on these blasted Mosquitos so that they will go away and not bother me anymore." John exclaimed after constantly swatting them away for half an hour. "I am of the opinion that they like elvish blood more than human blood since they're surrounding me."

"Ha! Of course I can cast a spell on them. But on the contrary they are not Mosquitos! These little creatures are similar to Mosquitos though they don't drink blood. They actually clean your skin.with that in mind I don't think I will be casting any spells on them your majesty."

John assented to this though inwardly he sighed at the wizard. I wish he would stop calling me that. My name is John, even if I am an elven princeling. If he keeps calling me that I think I'll force him to shut up! I am his lord in his mind anyway!

After another hour or two of traveling through the forest they finally emerged from it. A fertile, lush valley with a stream flowing through it lay before them. Here and there it was dotted with a cottage or a tall oak, though mostly it was filled with green grass and a colorful assortment of wildflowers. John and Renalf paused to admire the beauty of the scene.

"This is the called the Mylan valley." Renalf said with a flourish. "It is inhabited mostly by elves though occasionally a troll or a band of raiding humans will come here and set up a temporary base. However, the people here live in relative peace compared to the rest of the kingdom."

"Where is Trewant? Please don't tell me we have to make our way down the slope and back up the other side!" That would take us half an hour if we stop for a short break at the stream!"

"No. Trewant is just six miles to the south. We will be there in a few hours. Don't worry."

"Oh. Well that isn't so bad. It should be a relatively easy trip seeing the valley descends to it."

John and Renalf lightly touched their heels to the horses sides and the two steeds began to go forward at a walk. In les than ten minutes the two odd companions were sitting on the rocks of the stream while their horses noisily rehydrated themselves. John himself guzzled down the rest of the water in his canteen. You may not think so, but riding a horse for three hours makes one extremely thirsty and exhausted, not to mention sore.

"Well, that's a much different trail ride than I would ever get to go on at camp." John said.

Renalf chuckled softly and shook his head. "I'm sure it is; but Lustan is much different too!"

"That's true." John said thoughtfully rubbing his hands through his sweaty brown hair. "I think that I am different too." For a moment all was silent except for the noise made by the horses and the cool evening breeze. From then on, John would never be the same!


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131 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:39 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



You’ve got some repetitions. For example, in your very opening: across. Be careful with repetitions and have them in mind next time you revise.

Read dialogue outloud to make sure it’s natural. I think I mentioned this last time too.
Vary your sentence structure. You have these moments where you follow up a sentence after similar sentence and that tends to stand out and break up the flow. Having sentences start differently, with different structures and lengths makes for nice, flowing prose. Same goes for paragraphs, try not to start them the same way.

There isn’t much going on in terms of action so you need to give your descriptions and dialogue extra attention. Continuing on with that: You have some typos too. And every time you use a verb with ‘to,’ followed by another verb, stop, go back, read it again, and make sure you can’t say it differently and more directly. Don’t overdo the dialogue tags.

Also:

From then on, John would never be the same!

Why? I mean nothing exceptional happened to him in this very moment.

Overall you seem to have most things under control, but your style and flow need more work. Read a lot, write a lot, and it will improve naturally.




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Sun Jul 20, 2014 12:03 pm
windrattlestheblinds wrote a review...



Your first paragraph works as an opening for a new chapter, but it also seems kind of disconnected from the ending of the last one. I mean, dude just got turned into an elf. That’s got to be really startling; where’s the fallout from that? You don’t have to start off with a full-blown angst session or anything, but even just more emotion connected to the mention of it would serve to ground things a little better. I’d also like to see a less muddled line of reasoning for why he’s starting to trust Renalf; instead of “I don’t know why, I just do”, something like “still don’t trust him completely, but he hasn’t hurt me yet and he’s told the truth so far”. Although I’m personally not sure why “he turned me into an elf” counts as a reason to trust someone.

Minor quibble: You don’t want to rock back and forth in a saddle, ever. It’s a good way to make yourself saddle-sore and throw off your balance.

You treat the horses like actual living creatures and not robots! That pleases me. More people should do that.

The description of the forest is nice, although it does really drive home my impression of John as “ugh, city boy.” I like Renalf’s cryptic non-answer that John assumes is wisdom.

The paragraph beginning with “For a while they rode on in silence…” is weird because it switches from sitting close in John’s point of view to being an omniscient narrator for a sentence and then switching again to Renalf. Both changes are disorienting for the reader; consider rewriting that sequence in a way that is more clearly John’s point of view.

On the whole this is a decent chapter, I think. It’s a transition chapter, which isn’t as exciting as some of the ones that come before or will come after, but transition chapters are necessary, so. One thing you could do to make this less of a simple “they traveled from point A to point B” chapter is focus more on John’s feelings about what’s been going on. He’s in a strange new world with some old guy who insists he’s a prince and he’s just been turned into an elf and it’s all got to be very disorienting for him. A day of travel with not much going on would be a GREAT time for him to think through his thoughts and feelings about everything. It's a good opportunity to get in some character development and really flesh out John's personality.




r4p17 says...


Thanks so much for the review wind. I will try to work on what you pointed out. I am still trying to sort out the POV's in both my novels. Thanks for pointing that out.

You are right about this being more of a transition chapter. This one and the next one set the stage for some action. :)




Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.
— J.K. Rowling