z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Princess~Part 4

by Pinkiegirl13


Lisa

As I walked in the forest to find the old man, I always looked back to check on Ana who was slowly walking behind me. I could see purple lights appeared on the ground when she stepped on them. She kept on looked down at them with her arms folded and fear in her eyes. She looked so scared. I know that I have to get there fast. I have to!

Ana

I can't control it. They are getting stronger than ever. They covered the ground when I stepped. I worried for Lisa that I might hurt her so I started to walk slowly behind her. My voices are getting louder in my mind. They kept on calling me a murderous monster. As Princess of Burlin(That's what the city called), I ordered Lisa to hurry up before it spreads.

After stepping two more steps, I heard Lisa yelling.

"Ana, I found it!"

I looked up at her and saw a huge campsite ahead. Lisa turned at me with a smile on her face. I gave her weak smile because I was half-glad and half-scared about this. What happens if the old man and the people knows about me killing my sister? What happens if they takes me back to the castle for some award?

I slowly took a step back, hide back the brushes, and looked away from Lisa. "I'm sorry, Lisa, but I can't go in there," I said.

Lisa sighed, grabbed my waist, and walked up to the campsite. She was waving to people as she walked along. The people stared at me and then waved at me. I am trying to calm down when I am around people and not kill Lisa. Maybe these people didn't know who I was.

Lisa

While dragging Ana through the The old man opened the door. He has a long, gray beard and gray eyes. He was wearing a white, long shirt and green pants. He was very tall so I have to look up at him as he looked down at me.

"Oh, Lisa...and Princess Ana who killed her sister," said the old man. I can't believe he know about her. I could see Ana's face, looking scared than ever.

"What do you need, my highness...and Lisa," he added.

"Well, sir, she has powers when she was born. She don't how to control it. Can you give her something for her?" I asked.

The old man nodded and moved into the side. I helped Ana went inside the tent because she is shaking uncontrollable. I sat her down on the floor before I sat next to her. I saw purple lights appeared on the ground, but my main theory is why he is not scared of Ana. I stared at her who staring at me.

"Why he wasn't scared of me? Why is he helping me after he knows what I did?" Ana whispered.

I shrugged and said, "I don't know. That's why I am asking myself."

"I am doing it to protect her and help her to control her powers. Everyone in this camp knows that and they don't think she is evil," said the old man when he came in with purple gloves. He knelt in front of Ana.

"Here you go. These will help you control it." He put the gloves on her one by one. He checked the gloves which it is on her hand, and the powers didn't hurt him. Ana smiled and looked at me. She mouthed 'Thank you', and I nodded. The old man got up and looked down at us.

"Lisa, Ana will stay here with us as long as she like. Do you want to, Princess?" he asked.

"Yes, I love to," Ana said in a calm tone. I gave her a gently smiled.

"Good, you will sleep in my tent while I go outside." He left us in the tent alone. We were happy to be free and began our friendship together.

A/N: Maybe I will add a character on here. Well, see you next time. Oh, yeah..the three one is with my ideas on my stories. Here is the link:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=113611


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102 Reviews


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Tue Jul 22, 2014 7:13 pm
BellaRoma wrote a review...



Good to see that you've persevered with this Pinkiegirl.
As was said before, by Kelpies, you have a couple of errors with syntax. Those are easy enough to spot, just look for the sentences that don't look right. If you like, you could always get someone you trust to proofread for you (and make sure you spend plenty of time on proofreading yourself). Believe me, it makes such a difference.
This should also help you with your tenses. Your writing is good right now and it will be absolutely amazing when you look into these little issues.
Also, I will mention that you need to add in a few commas, like here:

While dragging Ana through the The old man opened the door.

You need a comma after 'through' and you may also notice that you've put 'the' twice.
Another thing is, with dialogue, make a new paragraph for every new speaker to break it up. We'll know who's speaking and it will be much easier to follow. I've been picked up on this many times.
Okay, so, nitpicks aside, this has a very strong storyline to it that keeps me engaged. That has to be the foundation for every novel ever written, so you have a great grasp of the basics. The finer points of grammar (which I do not know very well myself) can be learned from others and by yourself so don't get yourself down about that.
Your characters are developing very well and I feel for them a lot, especially Ana. Part 5 is sure to be a great read. I'm interested to see what goes on now they are staying in the camp and I can't wait to find out a bit more about the old man.
See you at Part 5.
Bella




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223 Reviews


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Reviews: 223

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Tue Jul 15, 2014 9:30 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello Pinkiegirl13!

It's a great story! Quite a few errors though, mostly words in the wrong order, nothing too bad. I can't wait to read more! And if there are already some others out then can you please tell me! These are awesome! It's almost like a script, but then again, not. Almost sounds a bit like Frozen.

~Kelpies.





Ogres are like onions.
— Shrek