Heya there sugar, pretzelsing here for another review of you beautifully written novel.
Let's begin,shall we?
"We've been hearing whispers that the little people of the world are becoming unhappy. They've taken the warnings [/s]we've[/s] made, and while we've (we have) had very little problems from them since the… executions, the nobles are starting to act up.
So in these sentences you have repeated "we've" three times. I have a question: Who is "we"? Rofulo and Kamaria? Everyone in the palace? Anyways, I think that you can cut out one of those "we've". I suggest the second one,so it would look like: "They've taken the warnings made" And then maybe for the third one you could actually write it out and say: "we have". Just some suggestions.
A large percentage of them hadn't deserved death,
Instead of percents or numbers, maybe let Qui think about the precious lives that were lost to family members/friends/the whole world. Keep that in mind,sugar.
Lekan was one of several nobles who had been arrested at the wrong time.
Did I miss something before?Lekan was a noble,like in the king's court or just the nephew of a noble? I was pretty shocked with this statement <,< (pssst,maybe you should make this a little bit more clear before)
Acting like the friend Qui loved as she threw her head back and gifted the room with a full throated, alluring laugh, Kamaria nodded
Okay so I didn't really understand this sentence, even after reading it for like four times. So is this Qui or Kamaria laughing? And Qui is acting differently? <.< If so,then why is she wearing a mask/veil on her emotions
it was good to know when to let people think they could see through it.
I love this character development in Qui. Masterful job, and I totally think that Kamaria could see her smile through that ^_^
The whore queen waved, her persona a mix between the wise friendly prostitute Qui had worshipped(worshiped)[,] and the tyrant queen Qui wanted to hate.
Okay so you need a comma after worshiped, since the conjunction and is connecting two sentences.Also typo in worshiped (with only one p)
Qui hesitated, split between asking her "Do you remember being one of those people?" and keeping her safe silence. [b]Sighing, she nodded.[/b[
Who nodded, Kamaria or Qui? You made this sentence(the bold one)short-which is okay but I still don't know who is performing that action.
She walked out into the dry heat that was already hovering above the stones,
How could heat hover? I thought that outside that is an equally displaced temperature everywhere in the town. And what stones are you talking about? Do they hold any special significance?
Anyways, that it from the nitpicks. Now onto the general. Qui and Kamaria have a very interesting love-hate relationship. It seems like queen is puffed up with pride that she is another person and like to manipulate Qui by saying "dear" and pretending to be her very close friend while Qui doesn't really agree with her a lot of the times.I wonder how this will play out.Perhaps if Qui feels sssoo uncomfortable, maybe she could just visit less often and more rarely? Just a suggestion for further chapters(when you go back to editing them) xD
Why does she care about people seeing her by Lekan's home? Does Qui really have that much of a reputation?How would other people react if they saw her there? I mean Qui is really trying to be careful and I am very curious as to how the meeting might go ^_^
Anyways, that's it from me, with this chapter. I feel like I am slooooowly catching up with your one per week chapter (which is a fast-pace).I don't think that I have said this, but I truly admire your ability to stick in with the Last Man Standing contest and be persistent with the novel. Great job!
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
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