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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

The Veil - Chapter 11 Part 2

by megsug


Baring a forced smile, Qui stood for her friend. "Yes?" she asked softly.

"We've been hearing whispers that the little people of the world are becoming unhappy. They've taken the warnings we've made, and while we've had very little problems from them since the… executions, the nobles are starting to act up. It only takes a little spirit from people with money to spread to people who don't." Kamaria sat in her overly plush chair, still in her night clothes. They were surprisingly modest, thick and high necked.

Crossing her arms slowly, Qui merely listened, forcing her body to remain relaxed as she perched on the edge of her seat which was normal for her. The monarch's 'warnings' had been a slew of harsh executions of peasants on the temple steps. Most of the thirty men and women had been criminals, but their crimes had been varied from small theft to murder. A large percentage of them hadn't deserved death, but crime had been spiraling out of control, and there had been grumblings about the taxes which, Qui had to admit, were getting outrageous. The monarchy's paranoia had reached into the nobility as well. Lekan was one of several nobles who had been arrested at the wrong time. Compared to some of the others, his sentence was relatively easy. Most had been given immediate death. Something scarily close to anger tightened in her stomach. She knew it was dangerous to be angry at Kamaria.

Linking her fingers delicately in her lap, she smiled, reminding Qui of those days when the older woman was teaching her how to reel men in with a well-timed glance. As horrified as "Well, we need someone to spread the idea that the monarchy is for the people, that the lower nobility are the ones ruining everyone's lives."

Quietly picking and choosing her words, Qui took a deep, cleansing breath. She tried to ignore the tapestry behind her friend that was worth ten yearly wages of the normal commoner and the several candles that she'd seen commoners save religiously. "So you know how the lives of citizens without titles are?" she breathed, keeping her voice even and unaffected.

"Of course. I'm not stupid. If we have any hope of controlling these people we have to know what their mindset is." Shrugging, she regarded Qui carefully, a hint of disdain evident in the tilt of her lips and the angle of her eyebrows. "Don't tell me you consider yourself one of them? You've got more money than any of them could ever dream of. You're practically a noble compared to them. I can assure you that they don't consider you one of their own. Commoners are pawns. They're good for nothing. They're easy to control and easy to rob." She leaned forward, her eyes searching Qui's veil for the hint of eyes, attempting to make eye contact.

Qui shifted, purposefully tugging her veil, so the corner of her mouth, curved up in an easy smile, was visible. "I suppose you're right. Is that all?" While the veil was always a good defense, it was good to know when to let people think they could see through it.

Leaning back, she seemed to believe Qui was supporting her. "Yes. In a hurry to leave me?" she asked, her voice hard and slick with suspicion.

She laughed as naturally as she could, sounding a bit sheepish. "I'm afraid so. I have a client who insisted on an early appointment. I want to make sure I'm ready."

Acting like the friend Qui loved as she threw her head back and gifted the room with a full throated, alluring laugh, Kamaria nodded. "Those men who think that no one spies before nine are a pain in the ass. You better be charging him double." She rose, a signal for Qui to stand too, and yawned. "I have to catch some more sleep anyways. Rofi has been keeping me up today." She winked knowingly. "I always told you our skills would take you places if you did them right."

Rolling her eyes, Qui moved to the door, opening it and glancing back at Kamaria.

The whore queen waved, her persona a mix between the wise friendly prostitute Qui had worshipped and the tyrant queen Qui wanted to hate. "You're dismissed, dear. Please try to spread your opinion around your circles. I understand you're quite popular with those people."

Qui hesitated, split between asking her "Do you remember being one of those people?" and keeping her safe silence. Sighing, she nodded. "I'll try my best. Perhaps… You could do something for them, just a little something, so they'll believe what I say a little easier."

Kamaria was curling up in her chair again, looking like she was about to drop off to sleep. "Perhaps I will… That's an interesting thought at least."

Closing the door quietly, Qui walked through the maze that was the interior palace. She walked out into the dry heat that was already hovering above the stones, nodding at the guard who blinked in reply. Now that others would be walking around, granted only workmen who had a job to attend to, he was following the protocol much closer. She sighed heavily. It would be hard to slip around Lekan's home now without being seen.


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Mon Mar 30, 2015 10:42 pm
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Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya there sugar, pretzelsing here for another review of you beautifully written novel.
Let's begin,shall we?

"We've been hearing whispers that the little people of the world are becoming unhappy. They've taken the warnings [/s]we've[/s] made, and while we've (we have) had very little problems from them since the… executions, the nobles are starting to act up.


So in these sentences you have repeated "we've" three times. I have a question: Who is "we"? Rofulo and Kamaria? Everyone in the palace? Anyways, I think that you can cut out one of those "we've". I suggest the second one,so it would look like: "They've taken the warnings made" And then maybe for the third one you could actually write it out and say: "we have". Just some suggestions.

A large percentage of them hadn't deserved death,


Instead of percents or numbers, maybe let Qui think about the precious lives that were lost to family members/friends/the whole world. Keep that in mind,sugar.

Lekan was one of several nobles who had been arrested at the wrong time.


Did I miss something before?Lekan was a noble,like in the king's court or just the nephew of a noble? I was pretty shocked with this statement <,< (pssst,maybe you should make this a little bit more clear before)

Acting like the friend Qui loved as she threw her head back and gifted the room with a full throated, alluring laugh, Kamaria nodded


Okay so I didn't really understand this sentence, even after reading it for like four times. So is this Qui or Kamaria laughing? And Qui is acting differently? <.< If so,then why is she wearing a mask/veil on her emotions :D

it was good to know when to let people think they could see through it.


I love this character development in Qui. Masterful job, and I totally think that Kamaria could see her smile through that ^_^

The whore queen waved, her persona a mix between the wise friendly prostitute Qui had worshipped(worshiped)[,] and the tyrant queen Qui wanted to hate.


Okay so you need a comma after worshiped, since the conjunction and is connecting two sentences.Also typo in worshiped (with only one p)

Qui hesitated, split between asking her "Do you remember being one of those people?" and keeping her safe silence. [b]Sighing, she nodded.[/b[


Who nodded, Kamaria or Qui? You made this sentence(the bold one)short-which is okay but I still don't know who is performing that action.

She walked out into the dry heat that was already hovering above the stones,


How could heat hover? I thought that outside that is an equally displaced temperature everywhere in the town. And what stones are you talking about? Do they hold any special significance?

Anyways, that it from the nitpicks. Now onto the general. Qui and Kamaria have a very interesting love-hate relationship. It seems like queen is puffed up with pride that she is another person and like to manipulate Qui by saying "dear" and pretending to be her very close friend while Qui doesn't really agree with her a lot of the times.I wonder how this will play out.Perhaps if Qui feels sssoo uncomfortable, maybe she could just visit less often and more rarely? Just a suggestion for further chapters(when you go back to editing them) xD

Why does she care about people seeing her by Lekan's home? Does Qui really have that much of a reputation?How would other people react if they saw her there? I mean Qui is really trying to be careful and I am very curious as to how the meeting might go ^_^

Anyways, that's it from me, with this chapter. I feel like I am slooooowly catching up with your one per week chapter (which is a fast-pace).I don't think that I have said this, but I truly admire your ability to stick in with the Last Man Standing contest and be persistent with the novel. Great job!

KEEP ON WRITING!
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Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:17 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm back again.

She knew it was dangerous to be angry at Kamaria.

I think this is something you could expand. I'm not really sure if Qui means it's dangerous for her personally, as in she'll end up letting her anger slip out into her words or something, or if it's dangerous for anyone to be mad at Kamaria. What makes it so dangerous? If you answer that question it'll make much more sense.

It's very interesting to see the way Kamaria's mind works in this chapter. Sure she's only a minor character, well, maybe a bit more than just a minor character, but she is still very important. She's the queen for heavens sake. We get a good inside look at what the nobility thinks of the commoners. The commoners are just another piece in the game that the nobles are playing. The government truly is ridiculous and corrupt. It's nice that we get this information as well because we get a few of our questions answered.

I have to say, I'm really enjoying this world that you've created. Despite not coming out specifically and telling us about what it's like in this world, we get a good idea of what it's like. That's the beauty of showing instead of telling. We are learning more about the world through those who live in it. Good job with that!

Alrighty then, onto the next chapter so I can catch up. Hopefully I'll be able to give you a better review on the next chapter.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:22 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Megsug! I'm back and all ready to catch up with your novel :D

I'm afraid this first review is going to be incredibly short. Simply because this was an almost perfect chapter. Apart from a single nitpick, I couldn't pull a single thing out! I loved the conversation between the queen and Qui. We got to see a bit of her old self and how she might've been Qui's very good friend, once upon a time. But it's hard to imagine someone could change so dramatically, and that she doesn't even care for the people so much like how she used to be, which is kind of saddening.

There was one point the conversation where Qui is listening to the queen speak and trying to ignore the riches around them. But because of the focus shift onto the objects we don't get to hear much of their initial conversation at all except for the concluding request the queen gives. Although we do get to hear their parting words, I would've liked to hear a bit more at the beginning. Just a little bit! ^.^

As horrified as "Well, we need someone to spread the idea that the monarchy is for the people, that the lower nobility are the ones ruining everyone's lives."


As horrified as what? Maybe you mean: as horrifying as "bla bla bla" sounded, Qui... etc. I don't know what Qui would do after hearing that news. But we're just missing out an essential part of that dialogue tag, so I wanted to point it out. This was the only nitpick I could find.

Other than those two minor points, I have nothing to say. This was close to perfection, and I can't believe more people aren't reading this marvelous story and are missing out ;) Keep up the glorious writing, and I'll keep reading. I hope I can be more helpful next time :3

Deanie x




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Tue Jul 22, 2014 9:33 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Heya Megs! Silver back again! :D

Main Points

The monarch's 'warnings'


This whole paragraph was great! We're finally understanding why we should be mad at the government and also why the people were mad at the government. They seem pretty ruthless and sure of themselves to me, because usually royalty will protect the nobility because they don't want trouble from them. However here we don't see that, instead the nobility are being arrested and even executed, which then makes total sense why they would risk a rebellion. Rufulo is either extremely confident or extremely short sighted. I'm looking forward to seeing how this will play out.

Well, we learnt a lot in that chapter didn't we? The queen seems to want Qui to go around and spy for her, but she feels like she' one of the people that she's been sent to spy on. Poor Qui, she's almost caught between two worlds at the moment and two jobs aswell, the queen's and training Lekan. I really like her personality, I think that you've portrayed her inner struggles well and we can see how much she wants to rebel but can't.

I think that the information in this chapter was dropped really well and didn't feel like a dump at all, so I hope to see more of it :) Another great chapter! Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock




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Wed Jul 16, 2014 5:44 pm
GeoCha wrote a review...



Hey there, I saw your story didn't have a review so I decided to try it out. It's a good story and this is my first time reading it so I am alittle lost but based on what I saw, I like it, it has a nice political mix into it. It's a shame many stories aren't being given the recognition they deserve. Anyway, keep it up.

Favorite part:
"The whore queen waved, her persona a mix between the wise friendly prostitute Qui had worshipped and the tyrant queen Qui wanted to hate. "You're dismissed, dear. Please try to spread your opinion around your circles. I understand you're quite popular with those people."





how can i live laugh love in these conditions
— Orion42