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Young Writers Society


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A War With No End Chapter 1

by ANADIR


Despair. The feeling of utter hopelessness and failure, and the knowledge that you have no power to stop what you fear most from occurring. Yes, I know that feeling well. One could almost say it was I was best friends with the dreaded thing, since it keeps coming around and I never seem to be able to escape it.

I was feeling this particular, loathsome emotion as I sat in my soft plushy swivel chair. My nonstop spinning had whipped up a powerful gale, and sent my beloved card house toppling to the ground, scattering it as if it had been hit by a hurricane.

“Blast it all! I was almost at three hundred cards! Why, God? WHY?” I screamed, causing a nosy attendant opened my door and peeked inside.

“Is everything all right in here?” He asked.

I gave him a heart stopping glare. “Everything is most definitely NOT alright. My card house was just destroyed in a more heart rending event than when I hit an annoying attendant in the head with my favorite paperweight.”

He frowned, and pushed his glasses up. “Sir, I do not recall any occasions when you threw a paperweight at one of the attendants. The Pisces Accords also have no record of this. Do you require medical assistance?”

I mentally added ‘Nobody has a sense of humor’ to my reasons why I hated working as a scientist for the Pisces Empire. And don’t even get me started on that list. If I wrote it all down, Satan would start handing out lollipops to little kids before you finished it.

I lifted my cute little Grim Reaper paperweight and looked at it sadly. “Farewell, my wonderful friend. I’ll never forget your service to me.” I whispered reverently.

The attendant tapped his glasses, and I could faintly hear the sound of a phone ringing. “Hello, medical team? I need immediate assistance in room 7A. It’s occupant appears to-”

I hurled the Grim Reaper paperweight at him, and it bounced off his forehead with a heavy thud. It smashed into a million tiny pieces on the floor, and I shook my head sadly. “What a waste.”

The attendant rubbed his head. “I will be updating the Pisces accords on this matter, Mr. Jinx.”

“The horror of it all.” I grumbled.

The attendant spun, and strode angrily out of my room. I heard him smack into someone else, probably the medical team he had called, and then muffled sounds of complaints. The attendant snapped something, and they both left. I grinned, and turned back to my flickering monitor. Just as I was about to start working again, the door opened again.

I groaned. “Buzz off, I was actually about to start working.”

“Mr. Jinx, we all know what your idea of working is. You do something mildly useful for about five minutes, and then try to beat your high score in card houses. Your current score is 603 cards high and 214 wide. It was a vague replica of a fort from an older planet our empire conquered a few hundred years ago.”

The cold metallic voice washed over me like a powerful wave, and a shiver ran down my spine.

“What do you want, Rusty?” I asked.

“Look at me when you speak.” The voice growled.

Sighing, I spun my chair around with as much distain as one possibly could, and came face to mostly-face-part-metal-face. The cyborg eyed me darkly with mismatched eyes. “You continue to refuse to obey the Pisces Empire. We cannot allow you to continue disrupting the peace, you wannabe Hephaestus.”

I snarled at him, preparing to dive from my plushy chair if he attacked me. Yes, there is a story behind that, and no, I will not be telling it to you today. The cyborg reached a clawed hand out and lifted me easily from my chair. “Listen here, little man. You’ve annoyed the council one too many times. They’ve issued a summons for you, and I’m here to make sure you don’t squirrel out of this one.”

Oh goody. Almost everyone the council summoned went missing. Everyone who didn’t go missing ended up floating face down in a river somewhere.

“Can I pack my things first?” I asked, and attempted vainly to wiggle out of his mighty grip.

The cyborg glared at me. “No.”

He begun dragging me towards the door, so I reached out and grabbed the first thing I could see- a truly deadly weapon indeed. My hands wrapped around its hilt just as I was dragged out of the door, and I looked upon my weapon. Within my hands laid a half-eaten sausage. I sighed. Why did I ever put the sausage next to where I kept my prototype energy swords?

Rusty lifted me above his head with the metal arm. He shook me around a little for good measure, and threw me on the ground. “Will you walk on your own, or do I have to carry you there like a baby?” He snarled.

In response, I hurled the sausage at him. It smacked into his human eye, and he yelled out. I scrambled away from him and sprinted down the hallway. I would have returned to my room to get a weapon or two, but he was standing in the way. I ran down the halls blindly, my eyes half closed and expecting to see the cyborg’s claws suddenly wrap around me and crush the life out of me.

I took a sudden right and burst through a pair of large, wooden, double doors. Screeching comically to a stop, I found myself staring into the eyes of twelve council members. The one directly across from me grinned, and gestured for me to sit down. “I know we summoned you here, but I didn’t expect you to be so prompt or eager to meet with us.”

I scratched my head, trying vainly to find a way to escape the council room without getting chopped into little bite sized pieces and being sold as Drake-Nuggets.Hesitantly, I lowered myself into the offered chair, and looked bleakly at the council.

Rusty suddenly burst through the doors, rage marring his features. (Or the human features anyways.) “Council, I apologize! I allowed Drake Jinx to…” He trailed off as he noticed me sitting in the middle of the room.

A council member raised her eyebrow. “To…?”

Rusty shook his head. “My apologies, Council. I have delivered Mr. Jinx as requested of me.”

I frowned at him. “That’s a pile of crap and we all know it. Don’t make me pork you in the eye again.”

“Pork him in the eye?” An amused council member asked.

I grinned. “Y’know. Like poke, but I stuck him in the eye with a pork sausage.”

There was a general silence, and I sighed. “You guys have no sense of humor.”

“We have things that must be done, Drake. There is no point wasting time with useless jibber-jabber. The reason we have called you here today is because, unfortunately, we need you. You are one of our smartest scientists, and I believe you are currently looking into advancing our knowledge of how to use the Leaps in Quantized Time, correct?”

I nodded slowly. Quantized Time was an extremely intriguing thing. A few years ago, a scientist discovered a way to ‘step’ out of the very flow of time. He found that he could travel between worlds and times by using this ability, and even bring things with him. Not too much was known about this particular topic, making it the most interesting thing in the last few hundred years. The theory the scientist finally developed was that time isn’t continuous,but actually in packets. However, there was a catch. The scientist discovered that he could only travel a certain amount of times; in his case, 10. It is different for anyone who attempts to learn the ability, and nobody knows how many times they can Leap before losing the ability.

The council member coughed. “Drake! Are you listening to me?”

I shook my head. “Nope.”

He glared at me. “I said, we are willing to give the power of Leaping to you.”

I choked my saliva, and doubled over, gasping for breath. After a few minutes of uncontrollable coughing, I managed to straighten up in my chair. If I had that power, there wouldn’t be anything I couldn’t do! I grinned. “And what do I have to do to gain this power?” I asked.

The council member grimaced. “You see, we need you to do something for us. The Pisces Empire is under attack.”

I shrugged. “So? That’s no biggie, we’ve got the strongest military force in the universe! Our army is second to none, and we have conquered hundreds of other worlds using the Leap! What do you need me for? Not that I’m complaining of course, but…”

“It’s simple. This foe is different from the others. He is slaughtering us. Our army falls before his like dominoes.”

I stared at him in surprise. Ever since the Pisces Empire had risen, no foe had ever managed to beat it because of the power of Leaping. We had have to technology trillions of years into the future. How could anybody ever threaten the Pisces Empire, much less defeat them!?

The Councilman glared at me. “Yes, yes. You can gloat later. We need you to use Leaping and get us an army. An Army so powerful that not even this new foe can stand up against us.”

I grinned. “So what you’re saying is that I get to become the Commander of what we hope to be the strongest army the universes have ever seen? What’s the catch?”

“You’re expendable. If you die, or can only get a puny army, nobody could care less. Hell, they might even be happy. So frankly, we don’t care if you get killed while doing this. You’ll probably die.” He grinned.

“And if I refuse…?”

Rusty’s claws screeched hungrily. I gulped. “I accept.”

The female council member clapped her hands. “Peeeerfect. This way please.” She drawled, and pointed to a door at the back of the chamber.

I walked shakily towards the door, my emotions swirling madly around in my head. I could finally get my hands on the one thing I could have never before, and through it, everything I could ever want. And the best part was that nobody could leash me! I was a free man again. The Pisces Empire had conquered my home world ten or so years ago, and this would be the first time I could ever escape from their rule.

I wrapped my hands around the handle of the door and twisted. There was a snap, and the handle popped off. I shrugged, too happy to care, and tossed it over my shoulder. There was a metallic ping as it bounced off of Rusty’s head, and I quickly reached through the hole in the door and pulled it open.

I stepped inside the room behind, and slammed it shut. The first thing I noticed about the new room was that it was pitch black. I looked around in confusion, but I couldn’t see anything. A dull flicker of light far off in the distance drew my attention, and I made my way towards it. I soon stood over it, and stared down at the little flame seemingly floating in the sky. Instinctively, I wrapped my hands around it. There was a searing pain in my right arm, and I was hurled across the room. The darkness faded away and the face of the female council member slowly swam into view. “Congratulations.” She whispered, and I knew nothing more.


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103 Reviews


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Sun Nov 30, 2014 3:58 am
Burrow wrote a review...



Jack here for the promised review.

Ok firstly I absolutely love the idea that you have hear, it is wonderful, and your writing takes it do the full potential! I love your character, and I love the way in which this story is going, it sounds like one heck of a sci-fi action adventure sought of story. But there is a few thinks that I would suggest that you fix.

Your grammar is perfect, as far as I can tell, but there isn't much description, I have no idea what the surroundings are like, what the character is like, what the people are like. I don't know is the empire are humans, or are they some kind of alien race, or even cyborgs. I suggest that you add some more information on the description, because you are leading the reader confused about what is happening, with he little explanation, I just imagined he was talking to some older men and women, like out of the hunger games or something.

Anyway I love this stories idea as I said before, but the way you write it just takes it so much better, it is funny and different and I don't know why, but it really appeals to me, and I find my self wanting to read more, and actually go through and review and read all the other chapter's as soon as I possible can, so that is a great thing, and you should be really proud of yourself, and as you told me already got 3 books published, which is awesome!

So overall I love your writing, I love your story idea, I love you characters. but your story needs more description. But that is easily fixed, so its a big thumbs up!! from me, and I cant wait to read more of your story, so great job!!

Jack




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Mon Aug 11, 2014 10:41 pm
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...



Hi!

This review is the first one I've done in a year, so sorry if I'm a bit rusty! I saw one of your chapters in the Green Room, so I thought I'd start from the beginning.

The other reviewers covered pretty much everything, but I thought I'd add that in a sentence like:

The council member grimaced. “You see, we need you to do something for us. The Pisces Empire is under attack.”

There should be a comma instead of a period after "grimaced".

On to the next chapter!

HopelessAbandon




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:47 am
manisha wrote a review...



Heyo Ana. I saw you chapter 5 in the green room so I decided to read the previous chapters too.
I'll review as I read.

One could almost say it was I was best friends with the dreaded thing, since it keeps coming around and I never seem to be able to escape it.
I think you meant it to be -
One could almost say I was best friends with the dreaded thing.

I screamed, causing a nosy attendant opened my door and peeked inside.
opened is 'to open'.

I gave him a heart stopping glare. “Everything is most definitely NOT alright. My card house was just destroyed in a more heart rending event than when I hit an annoying attendant in the head with my favorite paperweight.”

She sounds really childish. Was this done on purpose?

The attendant rubbed his head. “I will be updating the Pisces accords on this matter, Mr. Jinx.”

One would think he would be more hurt than just a bump.

I spun my chair around with as much distain as one possibly could
distain is disdain.

Overall,
I like the idea of Leaping. Eve though the concept of time travel is over used you have brought a new idea to the cliched concept. So, well done.

The writing however needs a bit of polish. Read through it and get rid of unwanted words. It makes the story strong and have more impact. There is great writing in some places and then not so great in other places.

Why did I ever put the sausage next to where I kept my prototype energy swords?

This made me laugh. Also the part where he is running away from the Cyborg but ends up in the place he was trying to not get there. XD

There is a lot going on here, a lot of information you throw at us. But it is done well. It doesn't seem too much to digest.

The only thing I have a problem will be Jinx. He looks like a kid. How old is he really? Maybe you are trying to create an image of a mad scientist? It actually reminds me of House lol.

Over to the next chapter.




ANADIR says...


Hey, thanks for the review! First, Jinx is actually a guy! XD lol. And I did intend for him to come off as extremely childish. Much of the story is showing that you don't have to be perfect, (And being crazy doesn't hurt) To get something accomplished.



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Wed Jul 09, 2014 1:45 am
turtlethatroars wrote a review...



Hey you! :D

Suggestions

One could almost say it was I was best friends with the dreaded thing, since it keeps coming around and I never seem to be able to escape it.
Your wording is a tad bit confusing here.
I sat in my soft plushy swivel chair
I feel like this would sound better if you just said "my soft, plush swivel chair".
I screamed, causing a nosy attendant opened my door and peeked inside.
Your tenses seem mixed up here. I think it would be better if you worded it like this: I screamed, which caused a nosy attendant to open my door and peek inside.
Just as I was about to start working again, the door opened again.
You are a bit repetitive here. It would be better if you too out the first "again".
from my plushy chair
I still think it should be plush not plushy.
The cyborg reached a clawed hand out and lifted me easily from my chair.
You should say how he lifted you. Like: lifted me easily by my neck from the chair.
Drake-Nuggets.Hesitantly
You forgot to put a space after the period, but that's not really that big of a deal. :)
(Or the human features anyways.)
I think you could get rid of the parenthesis here and still be fine.
continuous,but actually in packets
You need a space after the comma but that's another thing that's not really that major.
I choked my saliva
I believe you meant "choked on my saliva", not choked my saliva. The way you have it now makes me think your saliva is a living thing you can choke.
We had have to technology trillions of years into the future.
The wording of this is a little bit confusing.
You’ll probably die.” He grinned.
I think this would sound better if you say: In fact, you'll probably die. It just sounds better to me.

So that was all the suggestions I had for this chapter. And that is all they are, suggestions. You don't have to do anything I said, in fact you could say it was all rubbish and not do any of it. I do think these suggestions will improve your writing though. So do as you wish, it is your writing after all.

Lovely Things
You definitely got me laughing when he chucked his paper weight at the attendant. xD
The cold metallic voice washed over me like a powerful wave, and a shiver ran down my spine.
Nice description!
Why did I ever put the sausage next to where I kept my prototype energy swords?
Really? Why would anyone do that? xD Hahaha.
Screeching comically to a stop, I found myself staring into the eyes of twelve council members.
Nice way to make him end up right where he was trying to avoid!!
The jokes you placed in here are all wasted on them, they have no funny bone in their body! But it still get's the reader laughing.
She whispered, and I knew nothing more.
I loved the way you ended this!!! :D

Overall
My overall impression of this chapter was awesome. It was very interesting and kept my attention throughout the whole thing! You had nice descriptions and jokes. You were able to keep it light and carefree yet important and dramatic all at the same time. I was quite impressed by your writing. I can't wait to read more! :D ^_^
Keep being awesome,
tkpejb




ANADIR says...


Thanks! :P Your review was very helpful. I'll be sure to implement everything you told me. :)



tkpejb says...


No problem! :D



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Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:38 pm
Roundsquare wrote a review...



You certainly have potential. I like your story, but too many times you started your sentences with “I”, after a while I got a little annoyed by it. Perhaps you can find a few creative ways to start your sentences rather than with “I” all the time.

There were also a few typos, but nothing too bad, a read though will solve that for you.

I really liked your story though, I like star wars and this reminded me quite a bit of it. This is a good start, if you sort out those things I mentioned it will be even better.




ANADIR says...


Awesome, thanks! I guess I need to get rid of the 'I' Sentences. I'll make sure to do that. :P I'm going to go work on it right now, so thanks for the review! XD
(And yes, I purposely started nearly every sentence in this response with "I")



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Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:49 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



I like the feeling of your opening paragraph but there are some word choice and language issues to be addressed.

First:

“The feeling of utter hopelessness and failure, and the knowledge that you have no power to stop what you fear most from occurring.” A bit of a redundancy since helplessness is already the knowledge one has no power over events.

Then:

“Yes, I know that feeling well.” Why is it in present? Your narration is mostly in past. Stick to the same type of tense.

And finally:

“One could almost say it was I was best friends with the dreaded thing, since it keeps coming around and I never seem to be able to escape it.” too wordy. I am sure you can convey this just as well with less words.

The beginning of every chapter, and especially the opening of the very first one need to be licked to perfection. It’s what first catches the eye of the reader so really make that extra effort to make sure it not only sounds good but is also lingually and stylistically sound.
Why does he scream out of the sudden? You need a better build-up of his tension before such an outburst. Also people are usually quiet before they explode when it’s due to some internal tension or feeling of helplessness. You know kind of like a trapped animal before it tries to make a run for it one last time. (Weird imagery, I know.)

“I screamed, causing a nosy attendant opened my door and peeked inside” Something’s happening here. Look it over.

I have a feeling you wrote this out in one go and didn’t really revise. That’s good when you’re doing the very first draft and want to get it over with as fast as possible, but before you offer it to the people to read, you should at least re-read it once, get rid of typos and things like up above.

So yeah, either that or you revised one too many times. In both cases it leads to silly errors. So either leave it alone for a while or look it over according to your case.
“I gave him a heart stopping glare.” Just glare.

He’s too “bitchy.” The attendant didn’t really do anything. Same about the reaction of the attendant, too over the top. Also, paperweight? Really? You do realize that’s kind of heavy? If he did hit someone in the forehead it would drop him. If he was a cyborg or whatever make sure to establish it earlier and avoid the whole “wtf just happened” reaction from the attack earlier.

Do cyborgs have feelings? Because they acted kind of… emotionless at the start, and by the end they glare and all that stuff? Make sure you have a good idea of what your cyborgs are like and keep them coherent.

He really likes to hurl things at random people doesn’t he? That’s not really sane behaviour, no matter how frustrated. (Reminds me of monkeys throwing poop when they are angry. Too much Big Bang Theory for me.)

Too many I glared, he glared, I grinned, etc. Vary your emotes or the way they are said.

I never did get why the utter feeling of despair. You begin with a passage of urgency and then the character is shown just sitting there, and hurling random things at people for no apparent reason from time to time… Yeah it’s a bit incoherent. I’d suggest you go back to the drawing board and make sure all those plot and story trends are nice and clear and don’t entangle at all the wrong places. If you have such a nice build up of tension and despair it's all really a waste if you do nothing with it, plunging back down into even leveled narrative.

So final words: read more, write more, revise more, and think on your plot and characters a bit more.




ANADIR says...


Thanks for the review! This is a first draft, so you were right about that. I'll definitely take your advice to make it a little less wordy. However, the main character is supposed to seem a little bit nutty. I think I might have overdone it though... XD. And the part about the tension and despair is all mostly for the joke when his card castle falls down. But I figure I should tone that down too. :P



MaryEvans says...


Ah. Welp, poor castle. And yeah a little bit over the top.



ANADIR says...


XD. It was supposed to add to the feeling of him being slightly crazy. I'm going to go fix that now.



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Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:29 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi!

Firstly: very dramatic title. :)
Second of all : Ooh.
This was intriguing :P
I feel like the opening was really dramatic:

Despair. The feeling of utter hopelessness and failure, and the knowledge that you have no power to stop what you fear most from occurring. Yes, I know that feeling well. One could almost say it was I was best friends with the dreaded thing, since it keeps coming around and I never seem to be able to escape it.

Maybe more so than it needed to be? XD Not quite sure.

You certainly have a very distinctive writing style. It depends on how you view it, but it's certainly apt for a teenage audience.

Although, this was REALLLLLLLLY LONG! :P
I prefer reading shorter chapters. Deffo. But, your writing did make me want to finish reading this. So you have hooked a reader. Kudos.
And roll on with the next chapter. :)




ANADIR says...


Thanks! And the beginning was supposed to do that :P. That was an 8 page chapter. Isn't that normally about the size for a chapter? I'm not sure, lol. I took that straight out from my book, which is currently at 100 pages. I'm going to post the next chapter in a few days so I can get some ways to improve it from this one. :)




It's funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief