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Young Writers Society



Nature Walk

by rhiasofia


I remember pressing my hand into yours

it had been a day of
wonder, teenagers hiking through
a nature we didn't know existed
when we rested, my head was
in your lap, your fingers slowly sifting
through the amber of my hair

I hadn't meant for my hand to find yours.
I had dozed, still pressed against you,
then started awake at some noise.
I sat and turned, and instinct
settled my fingers into the
soft net of yours.
&mortification
&furiously hot blushing
commenced
as I tore
mine apart from yours

but I think I left a bit of me
on the seam of you, can I
just hold your hand once more to see?

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17 Reviews

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Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:03 am
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midnightstars wrote a review...



I liked the writing in this piece you put imagery into my head and I could picture in my mind what was going on in the poem. The thing I really didn't understand was why you did the & sign instead of writing out the word.

&mortification & furiously hot blushing
I enjoyed the title Nature Walk because love is nature I personally thought that very creative. I can see the people together and falling in love but you never shared the other persons emotions and what they said or did i would have enjoyed to read what that they had said or did to make you feel that way.




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:29 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey again, Rhia!

It's a little strange to come directly from so vivid a poem as your "Signs of Summer" into a poem that promises almost the same with the title "Nature Walk", but find that it's nowhere near as vivid in terms of imagery.

I think maybe the biggest problem is that it's not clear at all what previous relationship these two people were in. I mean, I understand that I don't have to know everything about the narrative to feel the emotion you're trying to convey, but I think the previous situation is kind of necessary to understand how important this brief moment of connection is. Are they just two kids who don't really know each other and had no real interest? Is one of them longing after the other and this walk is like finally a moment of victory and happiness? Are they both kind of mutually interested and this is the peak of a bunch of shy hoping?

Otherwise, I feel like especially the end rings trite to me. Somebody touched somebody's hand and wants to touch it again "to see if there's a bit of them left". It's a little bit silly, right? It's that borderline silly that can either be graceful and poetic if we believe it fully, or just plain silly and make us falter at the last moment.

Also, if this person's head was in the other person's lap, what's up with the hand thing, then? They are already physically close, but hand holding is different?

And of course, with my personal taste, I would always rather have a specific story than a general one, but you're welcome to tackle the general story and general emotion if that's the angle you want to take! It didn't quite work for me here, though.

I hope you can understand my thoughts and that they're helpful to you. >_< I may not have been very clear?

PM me or reply to the review if you have questions about what I've said, and I'll try to explain again, haha.

Good luck, and always keep writing!

This review courtesy of
Image




rhiasofia says...


It's definitely a bit different than my usual style, and I wasn't sold on it, which is why I posted it when I didn't have to use points, haha. Mostly, it was just a little something I wanted to write to preserve a moment, so I wanted to keep it simple and less imagery-y. I wrote another one from the same day that was probably more of what you expected, but it's still in that teachers classroom, so...:/

The relationship was(is?) of close friendship, mutual interest between the two of us, and the entirity of this day kinda allowed us to come to terms with the interest. And as for the difference between the head and lap thing, it was all in my head, I totally blew it out of proportion and that's supposed to be a bit of the humor in this.



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Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:29 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Here to review!

My favorite part about this poem is how sentimental it seems. You really seem to have captured a moment, which in my opinion is successful poetry.

Some things I loved:
Although some of your line breaks were a bit odd like "it had been a day of/wonder, teenagers hiking through" I think the oddness/awkwardness doesn't take away from the piece. It makes it fast paced so the reader drops to the next line before they've completely taken in the one before.

These two lines were so perfect

"but I think I left a bit of me/ on the seam of you...
I just love this idea that the little moment that unconciously happened will tie them together on the seams! Beautiful absolutely beautiful! Ending with the question "can I just hold you hand once more to see" I think is a bit odd because she's not speaking to him in any of the first part and then suddenly she's just asking herself a question.. It just seems removed from the moment a little bit and didn't have the punch I was expecting.
Some suggestions:
The line "through the amber of my hair" is slightly odd phrasing, because there isn't literal amber, I'm not sure if I liked or disliked this line just wanted to point out that it was odd I guess.
This line "Then started awake at some noise" I think you should maybe change it to a specific noise because "some noise" is very non discript and vague.

Lastly if you're going to have the "and symbol" (&) instead of the word "and" I think that's fine because it keeps with that fast paced theme but I do think it would look neater if you put a space between & and mortification/furiously. :)

Overall I just loved the pacing of this piece! It was really sweet and seemed very genuine.

~this was a review courtesy of Knight Alliyah from "the after watch"




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:11 am
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sophomoric wrote a review...



This is so cute. I love the way you described things. It paints a vivid picture in my head.

However, the "&" parts are sort of weird for me. Seeing your diction and grammar, this doesn't seem like a mistake. At the same time though, it's an informal way of writing and in my opinion, should be changed to "and" instead.

Other than that, beautiful.





It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney