Young Writers Society

Hello there,
This is a wonderful poem! You do a great job with the words you use! The rhyming is amazingly done! The imagery is very well done as well. I'm not the first to say this, but it was very hard to read. It was a very deep and emotional poem. You expressed your feelings well in this!
I don't see any mistakes in this, but just a few grammar corrections and suggestions. First of all, you might want to put these in stanzas.
Finnish a stanza after the line

"A vain, oblivious douche and poseur."
and
"Bejeweled red dew revealing woes."

Also, in the line
"So now, tonight, a peace ill keep"
You would want to write I'll instead of ill.

Overall, this was a wonderful piece! Very beautiful and well done! Keep up the wonderful work!

-Aqua

I hope that this wasn't written about a personal experience. I really hope not, because this poem is really painful to read and understand, especially after we're introduced to the guy as a "douche" and then, and only AFTER that, do we realize what the poem is describing.

I think it was powerful to order your revelations that way, because it also probably matched with the way the character realized that, no, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Not because of the act itself, but because of the person who it was done with.

As for the form of the poem, I think all your rhymes work pretty well and not many of them seemed forced by the rhyme, more enhanced by the rhyme. There were some weak points that I think you could pay attention to, though, so let's take a look at them:

From the rose I humbly gave to a lover,

A vain, oblivious douche and poseur.

My legs are stained by its crimson juice,

feelings on which my body I let loose,

Well, I'll be the first (or second) to admit that it was hard to read. But from what I gathered, it's a very deep poem. The imagery is strong here. Yet, I know what you're talking about. You're heartbroken over the ending of a relationship with some you... ummm... yeah.
Good job! Keep it up!

Hey it's Neverland here to review your piece!

Okay first off congrats on posting something when you're so new to the site! Quite impressive.
Also I'd like to point out that it would read a lot better if it was written in stanzas, maybe you could fix it?

Other then that I love it! The imagery, and the uniqueness of it.

'Released in words and cuts so deep,
in velvet debt to a rose bouquet,
One given; and the rest thrown away.'

^^ Love those lines!!! They're so beautiful and expressive and a nice way to finish the poem.

Overall quiet a exquisite piece.

Good luck writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work in the Greenroom.
~Neverland.