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Young Writers Society



Across Worlds - Chapter 10

by Noelle


Akia

“Think I should follow her?” Sam asked.

“Nah,” Akia responded. “If anyone should follow her it should be Zeke. He should apologize.” Zeke looked at her, eyebrows raised. Without so much as a sound, he got up and headed in the direction Falyn had gone.

Akia waited until he was out of sight. “Tell me you know him from somewhere, Sam.”

Sam shook his head. “Sorry. Haven’t met him before.” Akia groaned. There was something about him that tugged at her memory. She knew that if she didn’t figure it out soon it would keep nagging at her until she couldn’t take it anymore.

After a while, Akia sighed and stood. “Well we need to get out of here as soon as possible. If Zeke doesn’t come back soon we’ll have to go after them.”

As soon as she finished talking, Zeke walked back into the clearing. He was staring at the ground, hands stuffed in his pockets. Akia sighed with relief. He was back; they could leave.

But looking behind him, she realized that Falyn wasn’t with him.

“Where is she?”

“Who?”

“Falyn you idiot,” she retorted. “You didn’t bring her with you?”

“Didn’t know that was my job.”

“Are you stupid,” Sam snapped. “Something could happen to her! We’re not the only ones who know she’s the moonstar. And we’re not the only ones who want her on our side.”

There was a sudden cry from the woods. As everyone watched, a green light flashed through the trees.

Akia jumped up and took off running. She could hear Sam yelling at Zeke as she continued deeper into the woods. She looked around desperately, hoping for any sign of Falyn.

Suddenly a wall of air hit her from the right side and sent her flying into a tree. Her side ached, but she didn’t have time to feel pain. Picking herself up, she staggered about looking for whoever had attacked her.

Another wave of air hit her. This one wrapped around her, holding her body motionless. She struggled against the invisible bonds, but had no luck.

A familiar laugh bounced off of the trees and reached her ears. “You know you can’t escape, daughter of Kit.”

Akia’s eyes widened as she saw Rhys step out from behind a tree. He looked the same as always; short black hair, tight chin, piercing green eyes. He was even dressed in his old Lightport outfit, his all black uniform and that stupid purple sash.

“Why are you so surprised to see me? Did you really expect me to let you go?”

“Of course not,” she responded. “I just didn’t know you were smart enough to find me already.”

Rhys narrowed his eyes. “You’ve got some nerve.”

“I always have.”

“This would be a lot easier if you just came with me.” As he spoke, two Hund Warriors stepped out and stood with him. They were meant to be intimidating, Akia knew, with their pale skin and red eyes. But she wasn’t afraid of them.

What she was afraid of was losing Falyn. She had to get to the moonstar before anything happened. But she couldn’t do anything if Rhys had her in his grasp.

Her heart was pounding furiously and her mind was working overtime. Although she put up a tough exterior, she was anything but on the inside.

How had Rhys caught up with her? It had been weeks since they had last met. All hadn’t turn out well for Rhys. She hadn’t been all that easy on him. It should’ve taken him much longer to heal. But instead here he was, following her.

There has to be some kind of spell for this! She thought. She racked her brain, searching and praying for something that would help. But nothing came to mind. The air was wrapped too tight around her; she couldn’t move.

“So what do you say,” Rhys asked. “Give up your little journey and come with me? You can join Falyn.”

Akia froze. “Falyn? You have Falyn?”

“Yes I do. It’s a shame really,” he clicked his tongue and smirked. “Why did you let her go somewhere on her own? Not too smart of you, daughter of Kit.”

“Stop calling me that,” Akia growled.

Rhys raised his eyebrows. “You don’t want to be reminded of your dear father?”

“I don’t want you speaking his name ever again,” she said, barely able to hold back her anger. “You have no right to.”

“Oh, I have no right, huh?” Rhys shook his head and chuckled.

There was a sound of crunching leaves behind them. Akia twisted her head just enough to see Mina and Sam rushing over. They froze at the sight of Rhys and the Warriors. Mina had no idea what was going on, Akia was sure. But Sam knew all too well. She could see it in her eyes.

“Well would you look at that. Your sidekick is here, Akia.” Rhys snapped his fingers and a wall of air appeared. Mina furiously pushed against it, trying to get past.

Just give up! It’s not gonna work! Akia wanted to shout. But Sam took care of it. He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her back.

“You won’t get away with this, Rhys,” he shouted.

“Oh, I won’t?” He smirked and pointed his palm at Akia. There was a flash of yellow light. She shielded her eyes as it filled her vision.

When the light disappeared, she looked around. She was in a small room that had wooden walls and a single light hanging from the ceiling. It didn’t give the room much light. The center was completely lit while the edges and the walls were covered in shadows.

The air that had been holding her captive suddenly released her. She collapsed to the ground. Freedom had never felt so good. She moved her arms and legs just to move them.

As if she suddenly remembered what was going on, she pushed herself up and hurried across the room. The door was made of the same wood that the walls were made of. It blended in, but she was able to find the doorknob. She tugged at it furiously, trying to yank the door open. It was a futile movement. Of course the door wouldn’t open.

She sank to the floor and buried her head in her hands. How could she have let this happen? Her plan had been flawless: go to Agathi, find the moonstar, bring her to Lightport. But then the Force got involved and Mina had to come along. Not to mention Zeke…

“Where is that bastard?” she suddenly cried out. Zeke was there with them in the clearing, but then he disappeared all of the sudden. Why hadn’t he come to help them?

There was a loud rumble that rang out through the room. Akia looked around frantically, waiting for the room to start collapsing in on itself. But all she saw was the walls lowering slowly. She looked from the left to the right. There were other rooms as far as she could see. They were all empty except for the one to her right.

There was a little girl held to the ground with chains, the same way her father had been many years before. The girl didn’t seem to be in any immediate danger though, so Akia relaxed. But she tensed up again just a few seconds later when she realized who it was.

Her voice failed her. All she could do was stumble over her own feet as she raced towards the other room. Just as she reached it, she ran into something and fell backward. When she looked up, she realized that the rooms were still separated by walls, just not the kind that could be seen.

“More air walls,” she muttered.

“Why do you always underestimate me?” Rhys asked.

Akia searched the room for him, but she couldn’t see him.

“Do you really think I would let you get to Falyn that easily?”

“I know exactly what you’re capable of, Rhys,” she retorted. “Stop acting like I’m an idiot.”

“If you insist,” he replied. “I’ll leave you here to figure a way out by yourself. In the meantime I’ll pay a visit to your friend next door.”

Akia watched as the door opened to Falyn’s room and Rhys walked in. Falyn looked up at him, but didn’t shrink back in fear. Rhys said something to her and she said something back. Akia had no idea what they were saying.

She turned away as the screams started. It wasn’t something that she wanted to see. There had been enough times that Rhys had forced her to watch someone be tortured. She didn’t want to watch another one.

It was quiet again after a while. Aki counted to ten before turning to look into the other room. Falyn was lying on her back, staring at the ceiling. Her chest was moving up and down quickly. Her eyes were empty, as if there wasn’t much life left in them.

“Do you see what you do to the people around you?” Rhys’s voice filled the room once again. Akia couldn’t tear her eyes away from Falyn. They had only known each other for a few days, but she felt like she was responsible for her. She didn’t want anything to happen to her.

“If you weren’t so stubborn, things like these wouldn’t happen.”

Akia glowered, her hands shaking in tight fists. “I’m not telling you anything, Rhys!”

A yellow cloud circled in the middle of the room. Rhys appeared when it dissipated. He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.

“You will tell me where that locket is.”

“No,” Akia responded. “The locket is somewhere you can never get to it. And I will never give it up.”

Rhys flexed his fingers and Akia twisted in pain. Taking a deep breath, she focused on the muscles in her core. She imagined herself somewhere else, trying to ignore the pain. Slowly, the feeling spread from her stomach to the rest of her body. She froze her nerves, successfully keeping the pain from taking over.

She stood and stared at Rhys, daring him to attack again. He simply glared at her.

“I will find that locket. You think you’re high and mighty because you’re part of the chosen few in Lightport. But you’ll never be good enough to defeat me.”

Akia kept her eye contact with Rhys, not daring to look away.

“And don’t think I’ll stop looking,” Rhys said, his face now inches away from her. “I will never give up even when your pathetic little life is over, I will continue my search and get revenge on the mages and seers and all the magical people of this land.”

The yellow cloud appeared again and swallowed up Rhys. He was gone. She was alone.

She made her way over to the air wall separating her and Falyn. She dropped to her knees and watched as Falyn’s chest rose and fell with every breath. As long as the moonstar was alive, everything would be fine. They could escape and reach Lightport in less than a day.

They just had to get Rhys and his Hund Warriors off of their tail. Easier said than done.

----------------------------------

For the LMS contest. Word cont: 1,882


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Thu May 14, 2015 3:26 am
CorruptedRoseJen wrote a review...



Hello! Sorry, I know this is a little late, but I just wanted to drop a few comments in.

1. Sometimes, you repeat words a little too much. Just randomly bringing this up, in case you would like to rewrite your past chappies. For example, you tend to use 'pain' a lot. Try some variety. Though, I'm sure you've improves miles since you first began writing, so I'm not very concerned with the diction and the syntax.

2. Please add some more descriptions! Like a baby bird, the reader stretches his neck outwards desperately, constantly trying to absorb more and more details. Fulfill this desire! Include small sentences mixed in about the setting, the characters, etc. E.g. in the forest, maybe you can add a line about 'an occasional birdsong', or maybe the completely lack of. This adds dimension, and provides a sense of realism.

3. Er, is it bad that I like Rhys more than I like the protagonist/deuteragonist/other various sidekicks? Um, maybe it's just me. I think I might have to have my head checked, or something. But yeah, AWESOME VILLAIN GOTZ! *achievement unlock!* Hopefully he doesn't die/get gruesomely maimed. Oh, look at what I'm saying. ._. But I do like him a lot.

4. Okay, I can seriously stop the list thing now. I don't have a lot of other comments to make. Good job on your chappies~ :D I will now go on to read more....

Happy writing~




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Mon Mar 02, 2015 1:47 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here! (I found this genius way that I can read and review this at the same time by putting the story in a different window so I can see what I am typing and what I am reviewing at the same time! Are you proud of me Noelle? ARE YOU? WHY DONT YOU EVER REPLY TO MY REVIEWS? Are they not good enough for you? :( I just wanna help... and yell at the story...)

I keep reading a lot of pronouns and I think that there needs to be a little bit less of a supply of them. Replace pronouns with proper nouns and you will be fine. Sentence structure(If you read my previous reviews, that is all that i need to say).

OH MY GOSH RHYS IS HERE! That dang jerk! I don't like him one bit! Poor Akia with that jerk on the loose! Why is Rhys still alive? GOSH DARN IT! Also who are the Hunds? What do they want out of the moonstar? Why do they want to stop time for a little bit? Does she have the key to controlling time or something? I do like Rhys as a villian. He is very villain-like. He will be one of the top villains that I have seen on YWS(if Wolf hasn't beat you at that yet). The action scenes are remarkable. I can see everything in here that you have written about. Oh my gosh. More mysterious things! What is this locket? Is it magical? Why does anybody need a locket except for memories?

I think that you do amazingly in your writing as always. Though you have your usual grammatical mistakes, you still manage to make up for them. Great job!

Keep calm and keep writing
~KatyaElefant




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Fri Jan 30, 2015 1:04 am
Evander wrote a review...



Hey, Noelle! Never fear, Adrian is here for a review. Let's just forget that I haven't reviewed this in a long while.

Aww, poor Akia. Her past is being brought up and we have another bad guy. I do like where this is going. Falyn has been located, and they have a goal. To get to Lightport. (wasn't Rhys wearing Lightport clothing? Was he kicked out?) I am still wondering what exact importance does the moonstar have, she is important... but how much? :P

Zeke seems like a jerk, but there has to be something else behind that. Like that's his mask or something. It would be too obvious if he was a double agent or something, but then again, since it's too obvious I wouldn't expect it. There isn't anything that says, 'Hi, I'm a misunderstood good guy. Be my friend.' It seems like, 'Arg, I am a sarcastic jerk. This may be my mask, but I haven't given anything that says that.'

There is something between Rhys and Akia, I'm just not sure what. Their scene felt like the comical movie scene, actually. With all the taunting, and the generic "You won't get away with this!" He takes Falyn, tortures her, then taunts Akia with the idea of her. It's all for some sort of locket too, which is a little weird. Because, Rhys shouldn't have it, and Akia seems very insistent that he will never ever have it. (Which leads me to believe that he will pop up, always closer to the locket. Then he will finally get his hands on it, and then at the last minute he will be stopped.)

“You won’t get away with this, Rhys,” he shouted.

I believe there was something about Akia and Sam earlier, then they separated paths for something. However, does Sam actually know who Rhys is? Because I'm just a little confused. Because I don't believe his name was said in any of the dialogue, so there must be something with them both as well.

I would say that he resents magic, but it appears like he uses it himself. So, something must have happened to him to make him hate other users and mages. Though, Rhys is a good bad guy, I guess. He seems like someone that you would see in an action movie, with horrible motives and always using torture to get his way. (However, I do like him, and hopefully we'll find more about him.)

Anyways, that's what I have to say about this chapter. I do hope that you keep on writing!

~Adri




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Thu Sep 25, 2014 1:27 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

I don't have much to say, really. The other reviewers have done an amazing job snatching everything I would have wanted to say on this. But, nevertheless, I shall see what I can dig up. Ready? Set? Go.

My first thought when I got to the part with Akia and Zeke and Sam: If Akia doesn't like Zeke and distrusts him that much, and knows that if they don't return, the reason would be Zeke being a problem... why does she let him go away with her or to find her without someone watching him? Without her keeping an eye on Falyn? She is the moonstar, after all. I would be keeping a very close eye on her, since she is kind of priceless - even if you discount her person, and just her power... one we haven't seen anything of so far. I wonder what we will see of the moonstar in the future chapters...

There seems to be a constant connection with anything concerning Akia.... Her father seems to be mentioned with anyone talking to her, and especially with people who are looking for a negative reaction. It truly makes me wonder what is the deal with her father and Akia, if she truly killed him, and why. If she did kill him, I can only assume it was because he turned evil (Luke Skywalker hehe), and she had to kill him to save lives, or something - very hard thing to do. But I guess I will just have to find out as I go through, but it would make sense is she had killed her father because of something he was doing, or some such. I will just have to read up on the next chapters.

I shall just hit a few technical things while I am here, but mostly tough on adverbs. This is something one of my mentors has been cracking down on hard lately. Adverbs - we use them all the time in talking, but in writing... in writing, they can be very distracting and too "lightweight", especially when you could use a much stronger word to say what needs to be said. You use "suddenly" quite a bit in your work, and while suddenly isn't a bad word to use in certain situations, it can become one. So, like this adverb/verb pairing: slowly walked could be shortened and strengthened with words like crept (not saying you did that, but just giving you an example to show you what I mean).

“Are you stupid,” Sam


Now I am not actually certain about this, but I think you should have a question mark after stupid - because I read it as a statement, not a question.

Reading through the entire part with Rhys, I was so happy. Most people create some cliché character based off a baddy they saw in a movie or read in a book - some stereotypical villain who either wants to take over the entire world and dominate it (thanks, Sauron), or is mucho suave and always brushes his hair. I think you have encaptured the ideal villain just perfectly, especially with his brutality and his amazing power - something all villains should have. Only the Megaminds of the villains in the world shouldn't be more powerful than their good opponents, because if good was more powerful... where would be the struggle? So I really liked how you did your villain, and how everything seemed to be connected to some unknown dot in the past was really neat, too. Just thinking about it, how Rhys knows Akia's past and everything about her - or so it seems - makes me cringe, but jump up in down in excitement at the same time. I love how you have created your villain. Super job.

I don't think I can say anything else here... :D
~Darth Timmyjake




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Wed Jun 04, 2014 5:16 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Zeke's a sneaky one... but I think I know what he's up to. ;)
Pretty much all I have is praise for this chapter! I loved everything that happened, it was insightful, and entertaining.

I especially liked the way you described Akia seeing Falyn through the 'air walls'. You couldn't use sound, and I found how you worked it was very well done ( also something I can learn from that myself ).

There was one thing I thought would greatly improve your descriptions. When you are describing pain, you just say: The pain was too much... Or something along those lines. But really, why was the pain too much? How does it feel? Not all pain feels the same. Was it sharp and cool, like a knife? Was there a sensation of hot blood draining from her brain? Did it feel as though her bones were breaking under Rhys cruel magic?
That's what I would like to know. It would help me be more sympathetic towards your characters. :-P

Other than that though, I really enjoyed this chapter! I'm super excited to see what's going to happen next!!! :-D

-Socks




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Tue Jun 03, 2014 10:21 pm
Alchemist wrote a review...



Hi there, finally reached the last one!

I have an assumption, Zekke being Rhys, or one of those Hund Warriors. Since we have no idea about their abilities, but they are quite powerful, and Zekke himself is an exceptional Mage, that would seem to come together. If he is, some of the lines he had said to Falyn in previous chapters wouldn't really make sense. like when he said he doesn't want her to get hurt; why would he care? Though we have not much info about Rhys.

There was an scene here, when the walls lowered. It's so confusing, and also, why didn't Falyn notice it since you gave us her POV thats overalping with this one. It makes no sense to me. Also, what held the ceiling? Where was the corner of that larger room created when the walls lowered?

I was also a bit confused since you said here that Akia was able to confront Rhys pretty easily before, but now you give feeling as if she was absolutely not on his level.

Your storyline and plot are amazing, but I think you just ran over the small things in the process. I mean, your story really amazed me, and I can go on with praise for hours I guess, but i'd rather focus on what you need to improve.

One more confusing thing; after Falyin being tortured, she never noticed Akia or anyone else comming near her, she had only noticed the door blasting away, and it still didn't happen. What's happening? :D

Since I reached the end, I'm really eager for the next chapter. I surely wouldn't go through all of this (and re-reading it to be certain) if I didn't like it really really much. So this is what I have to say: I guess I could work on your chapters even more into the details, you just have to ask me. If you found any of the reviews helpful that is. :)

-Alchemist




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Thu May 29, 2014 7:27 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Noelle!

Wow, this was a brilliant chapter! I was not expecting that twist in the story, what with Rhys being the one out of this set to get some kind of locket? I was surprised he wasn't after the moonstar, but after this object instead. I am looking forwards to getting to know why this particular locket is so important. He seems like the perfect, powerful villain and I love it. Now that Zeke, Sam and Mina are on their own, I wonder what they are going to do. I guess I just have to sit tight and wait for the next chapter to be released :D

As if she suddenly remembered what was going on, she pushed herself up and hurried across the room. The door was made of the same wood that the walls were made of. It blended in, but she was able to find the doorknob. She tugged at it furiously, trying to yank the door open. It was a futile movement. Of course the door wouldn’t open.


This is my sole nitpick for this chapter! Which probably shows how well this has been read through and everything ;) You just mentioned 'door' and 'doorknob' quite a lot in this chapter. If I were you I would change the last sentences so it doesn't repeat it so much. Like this: trying to yank it open. It was a futile movement. Of course it would be locked. (Or of course that wouldn't work.)

Speaking of things working, I am puzzled as to how these air walls work. Other than Rhys obviously being able to control the element air, I have a feeling Akia can see and hear Falyn, but Falyn can't see or hear Akia? How does that work? I was a bit confused, but if this isn't the case then do let me know.

Lastly, when Falyn is screaming because she is being tortured, all Akia does is turn away! Even though she feels responsible for her, she doesn't show any emotion at all while Falyn is in complete pain, which I found a bit unrealistic. People can be strong, but no one is unbreakable. Maybe as she hears the screams she can imagine what is happened and her the twisted expression on what usually is a gentle, innocent face. (Even though she isn't watching, sometimes imagination can be worse that what you see.) And then yes, this will hurt Akia, but then she can harden herself and steel her way into blocking out an images and being as unfeeling as possible. But there should be a vulnerable moment in there to show that she does actually care at some point.

I also thought it was a wonderful idea to go back in time as you did, and show us things from another perspective. It was also not too confusing even though you didn't give a warning that time was being jumped, so it just flowed smoothly. Nice ;)

Keep up the great writing. The plot and story is really coming together in a suspenseful way now :D Let me stay updated!

Deanie x




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Thu May 29, 2014 3:33 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Noelle, I am here for a review just as I vowed I would :D (I am on a phone as of now, so please ignore any typos or grammatical mistakes in this review)

Some random comments: Oh the irony in the beginning, that was just beautiful. So beautiful I started crying with laughter. I've noticed a pattern in a few of your novels, having someone call the character "Daughter/Son of (Father's Name)." It's quite interesting.

One teensy little nit-pick:

She could see it in her eyes.

Is this supposed to be his eyes? You were talking about Sam right before, or did you switch back to Mina? Too confused.

This is getting really good, really fast. I am very interested as to why the villian (Rhys is it?) wants to destroy all magical beings, practicing magic himself. Does he want world domination? Did he world do him wrong *gasp*, I have no idea. I always love how you always leave us, me, the readers guessing. I want to know more!!

Also, I think it was very smart of you to go back a few minutes in time and show what the others were doing leading up to Fayln's (and eventually Akai's) capture. I was slightly confused when Rhys went and tortured Fayln 'again'. I didn't get at the time (not until about twenty minutes later) that she was watching what we had already saw. I think though, don't quote me on this, that when Fayln woke up in the previous chapter, she was not chained down, and Rhys was already in the room, but this time Rhys walked in and Fayln was already chained to the floor. Was this what we saw before or wasn't it? Ia m so confused.

Otherwise, this was great. Everything is slowly coming together, the flashbacks from the beginning, soon we'll know what this moonstar is, hopefully. I need to know more! Well Kepl Writing,
~Wolfare





The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz