z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Intimacy

by joshuapaul


“Look,” Tuck said, “I’m just saying some women, some women, need it. That’s all I’m saying, okay?”

“Which women?” Mac said.

“Hell, I don’t know.”

“You mean if it’s a life or death kind of thing?”

It was a little after nine and Tony, the barman stood with his arms crossed, watching the greyhounds on the big screen beside the pool table. He shuffled a little closer to Mack and Tuck, keeping his gaze on the screen.

“Well, what do you do? Huh, where do you draw the line?” Tuck said, resting his blue-veined forearms on the bar.

“What do you mean?” Mac said.

“Well, if a woman came at you with a knife? Then what?”

“Well, I don’t know, Tuck. That’s diff-“

“Ah ha,” Tuck said, then he sucked in a mouthful of beer from the top of his glass so as not to spill it.

Tony stepped closer, taking his eyes from the greyhounds. “Well, Tuck, let’s go the other way,” he said. “What’s the least a woman has to do for it to be okay?”

“What?”

“Tell me what’s the least a woman would have to do before you had to act.”

Tony leaned on his elbows over the bar.

“Come on we are being stupid now,” Tuck said.

“Well?” Tony said.

Tuck looked into Mac’s tired alcoholic eyes. He shrugged. He looked back over one shoulder than the other.

He lowered his voice. “Well I don’t know, who’s the girl?”

Tony smiled and took up his rag to wipe down the bar top. Mack laughed in a lifeless flat whopping. Hoo-hoo-hoo. Tuck smiling, picked up a beer coaster and slapped it down again. “You know, screw you guys.” He took a swig of his beer, moved away from the bar and said, “Come on Mack, let’s have a game of pool.”

There was no one left by Midnight. Tony cashed up, locked the doors and put the bins out back, then he left.

The light was on when he got home. Jan slept in her nightgown on the couch, she stirred when the door closed, kneading the lids of her eyes.

“I’ll heat your dinner,” she said.

“No stay there,” he said. “I’ll get it.”

He sat on the carpet with his plate of beef casserole and mashed potato propped on his thighs. Jan sat up watching the television.

“Busy tonight?” she said too casually. Her pupils sliding as she said it.

“Not so much,” he said.

She let out a small cough into her fist, then turned the television off and rose. Her plate pasted with dry casserole and her coffee cup were still beside the couch from before she had fallen asleep. She took these with her to the kitchen.

The quiet clink of knife and fork was the only sound left. Then came the knock of Jan’s slippered feet up the staircase. Alone, he ate, staring up into the corner of the room. He eyed the bare wall where the wallpaper had peeled away in the corner, like witnessing a patch of skin through a tear in a stranger’s clothes.


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382 Reviews


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Sun May 25, 2014 12:11 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey there!

Dreamy here to review your short story. This was a very simple story. Men talking about what the women want in sex. A typical guy talk. Though, I thought you could have added more into the story line. But, this was cool as it is. It was like taking a sneak-peak into your characters life style.
I got a few nitpicks for you, let me point in out.

“Which women?” Mac said asked.


You seem to have used said in many places instead of asked And I do agree with the other reviewers, you can't mis-spell your character's name. It's okay if it happens within the dialogue. That's all I got for you. And

like witnessing a patch of skin through a tear in a stranger’s clothes.


That was a good end. ;)

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




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60 Reviews


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Sun May 25, 2014 1:50 am
queerelves wrote a review...



Hello ^^ Seb here for a review

I really enjoyed reading your piece. It was short and simple, but it was... I'm having trouble finding the right word, but it was... realistic, I want to say.

The interactions between characters were realistic. They talked and acted like real people would; a lot of writers seem to struggle with making their characters seem like people.

I like the way you began this piece. You started it off with dialogue from the middle of the conversation; doing something like that is a bit difficult to pull off, but you did it well.

Like thebrightestfell said, I'm not 100% clear on what Tuck and Mac were talking about. They were talking about when you "needed" to have sex with a woman, correct? In a rape type of way? I think that's what they were talking about, but it still left me a little confused about whether or not I was right. I'm essentially trying to say this: what they were talking about wasn't obvious, so I doubted what I thought.

I really enjoy your writing style, especially with this piece. I like how you included little actions, little casual descriptions. This was very well written, and your writing is mature.

The interactions between Tony and Jan were a highlight of the piece. I enjoyed reading that part, and once again, it was well written.

I don't really have many criticisms with this. You had a few mess ups with where commas should/shouldn't be? Really, that's the only bad thing I have to say.

Sorry if this review wasn't terribly helpful :/




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Sun May 11, 2014 6:50 am
thebrightestfell wrote a review...



Hi! So I'd like to start by saying how interesting I found this little short story. I thought it was simplistic yet earnest if that makes sense.

Now for the hard part. The majority of the story I thought worked and flowed well. I only have a few pointers or nitpicks that may or may not be beneficial to you. Of course use them as you may; they are only suggestions after all. :)

1.) In the beginning I'm a little unsure of what they are talking about concerning women. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not (or maybe I'm just blind) but it was a tad awkward because I was stuck on trying to figure out what they were talking about which held me back a little as I started the story.

2.) Mack/Mac was spelled two different ways throughout (once again not sure if intentional or not) and that confused me, as a reader, slightly. I thought at first there might be two characters that were named Mac but in the end settled on the idea that it was one Mac with two different spellings. Still I think settling with one would better improve the reader's connection to that character. Along the thought-process of names and such, with a story this small it might be easier on the reader to change either Tuck or Tony's name since a four-letter name starting with a T also threw me off in the beginning. I caught on but it may be something you want to consider.

3.) I only found one small sentence/grammar thing that stood out (everything else seemed great). "Jan slept in her nightgown on the couch; she stirred when the door closed, kneading the lids of her eyes." Either a semicolon or a separate sentence should start there but as I mentioned before other than that grammar and everything seemed pretty good to me.

Once again everything in this review is a suggestion. To me the most important thing is that the author feels happy with the piece so yeah. Thank you very much for sharing this and as I said before it was a really nice short story! :)

-Bright





Nothing is impossible, for the word itself says, 'I'm possible!'
— Audrey Hepburn