Young Writers Society

Hello, It is review day and I, PonyzandPokez am here to review this um... poem (kinda long one if you ask me :p) Here is what I thought of it:
Great poem! Okay, the ONE thing confusing was this:

chasing butterfly feathers

Hey hey Aleycat,

Here to review your poem as requested. You're a strong young woman and so I'm not going to begin with a review sandwich here, I'll get to the good but right now the most important thing is:

This is too long.

I like the idea of the rooms and I like what you're doing with repetition and with the idea of description. But it lacks imagery and it is too much, even considering it being "extreme". Bleeding visceral organs? No to that, that doesn't say anything or do anything for me. What does that even mean? Bleeding organs, visuals, and sights. Where are the smells? This poem is about the extreme and about the ripping out and the healing, show me your heart and I'll show you mine. But that isn't here, it's line after line of empty words.

"Visceral organs fall to the floor
getting fags and stones stuck in
throbbing hearts and seething lungs."

This is almost there. The coarse, base emotional organs? The base, coarse organs. The coarse organs fall to the floor. Visceral can be used the way you're using it but it TELLS us what these are rather than showing us. We know this is visceral because someone has just sliced us open to check our insides. Look at your language choices, they are just words right now, we don't have the visceral language like slice and cut and congeal and combust. Where are they in this poem which is all about over the top? This idea of locking away everything bad in one place (rip the heart out and fill the cavity with sawdust and newspaper clippings, becomes more than a scarecrow, be up to the minute with ink in your bones) and the narrator having sewed up that cavity, pushed through, done all this and moved past it? That's all good stuff, but you need the language to back it up. Also, I'd lose "getting" just because it's ugly and clunky as a word, try a semicolon after "floor". Your last two stanzas are probably fine compared with the rest (they are a little awkward/stiff but nothing is actually wrong with them at all) so I'd leave them be.

my suggestion right now is to cut this back, remove any repetitive imagery and remove anything which says what it is, rather than being what it is, if that makes sense. You've got such a good concept and you have a good sense of language and position, but this poem is drowning in the excess.

- Pen

I liked it
It was kind of hard to fallow though.
Lots of descriptions. it was almost like a short story.
I don't really know what it was about. was it about being in surgery or is it a virus.
thanks for the opportunity to read your work. look forward to reading more.

Hey fallen here to review.
First off your diction is incredible, the way you describe and use imagery made this poem even more better I believe and I think you handled it flawlessly. First off judging by the title " rooms" I thought it would be a remembrance of some sort but half way through with the organs and the kills, clearly a dark poem with a hidden meaning somewhere. From what I see your grammar is spot on with no mistakes which is helps the poem feel more meaningful in a way. Next your last line " and turn back to the sunshine
chasing butterfly feathers. " I find this line the most insightful and above all brilliant the way you say your like the speaker is turning the cheek to the rain once again and going back to a time or palce of complete joy. I may be completely wrong though. But over all well done and keep writing