There are three hundred and forty-three headstones in Saint Goswin Cemetery. There are two mausoleums. When Ian ran out of ways to say goodbye, he had started to count them. He counted one, two, three, four, all the way to three hundred and forty-three when he reached Anne’s grave. It was still covered in flowers and grief. The funeral had been over for hours, and everyone moved their grieving over to the family’s house. Ian couldn't make himself leave. He had said every prayer he knew, wished every farewell he could think of, and asked every question he had, but leaving brought on a finality he wasn't ready for.
Tired and cold in the Connecticut fall, Ian buttoned his jacket to the highest hole and leaned his weight and his worries against the granite headstone. Without looking back at it, he read the inscription in his head:
Anne Montgomery
April 6, 1995 - November 21, 2011
Not my will, but yours, be done
Luke 22:42
Her life was summed up in eighteen words; fifty-two letters, fifteen numbers, two commas, a dash, and a colon. Those eighteen words, Ian thought, couldn't describe Anne like he knew her, like her friends and her family knew her.
Everyone knew Anne was just not a name. She wasn't a date, and she wasn't a Scripture verse. She was short hair and long skirts. She was loud laughter and louder ideas. But she was more than that, too. She was every joke she told, everyone she hugged, and every day she lived.
Anne was a lot of things, but she wasn't her death. She wasn't the depression that drove her to her room, and she wasn't the anxiety that kept her there. She wasn't the pills that killed her.
Remembering Anne as her life and not her death was what the priest had said. Ian believed him, and he believed himself when he said it too, but it didn't keep him from feeling the pain from Anne's death. It didn't keep him from crying again.
High school romances were supposed to be painful, but not like this.
Wow! This is the perfect attention grabbing prologue! I'm captivated! Super job here! You managed to intrigue with a nice short intro. I can't wait to see what else I have to read with this. Are you planning on doing the cyclical plot where you begin at the end and explain up to the point where you began or are you going on from this point? Thought I would ask out of curiousity. I can't say I can think of any way to improve upon this. It's great the way it is! Again, fantastic job.
Hey there! It's MysteryMe, here for a quick review!
Let me just say... wow. Honestly, this is a 'wow' kind of prologue. I knew you were a good writer, but this surprised me by just how good it really was (considering you're new, here).
First of all, let me just say that I love your hook. It was just... awesome, to say the least.
"There are three hundred and forty-three headstones in Saint Goswin Cemetery. There are two mausoleums. When Ian ran out of ways to say goodbye, he had started to count them. He counted one, two, three, four, all the way to three hundred and forty-three when he reached Anne’s grave"
Besides these sentences being very beautiful and full of meaning, you also let the reader know that Anne died without actually explicitly TELLING us it, which is always a positive thing with writing. Show, don't tell, as they say 
.
Unlike former reviewers, I actually thought you did a great job characterizing Ian. You gave me a basic idea of his personality and how he thinks (I thought all the mentions of numbers were very interesting), and I really got to liking him. I don't think characterization anymore is necessary, or at least not in the prologue. You can focus more on him in chapter one.
My favorite lines were: "Her life was summed up in eighteen words; fifty-two letters, fifteen numbers, two commas, a dash, and a colon. Those eighteen words, Ian thought, couldn't describe Anne like he knew her."
I don't even know why, I just loved that part XD. It's so beautiful and true.
In complete honestly, you're a very talented writer, and my only nitpick would have to be that the description of Anne... "She was short hair and long skirts. She was loud laughter and louder ideas. But she was more than that, too. She was every joke she told, everyone she hugged, and every day she lived" ... was a bit of a teenage-girl generic. We don't really get to love her yet, considering she doesn't seem very unique. Hopefully, though, you can fix that in later chapters.
Well, I think that's all I have to say. Please keep writing!!! I'll be sure to follow this awesome story
Hey~
Here as requested. I'm sorry for the wait. That seems to be my "thing." My, that was really beautiful, and it's a really wonderful beginning. It's a fantastic hook. I think you get to see a little bit into how Ian thinks here without you saying THIS IS HOW IAN THINKS.
Like all things, there are a few issues.
Your sentences seem very similar. Especially in the first paragraph which is dangerous because that's what makes you or breaks you. The structure seems very stiff. Shake it up a little.
I wish I could give you more advice, but I'm finding it hard to put into words. If you don't know what I mean, chat me up later, and I'll see if I can explain it better in real time. >.< I apologize.
Everyone knew Anne was just not a name. She wasn't a date, and she wasn't a Scripture verse. She was short hair and long skirts. She was loud laughter and louder ideas. But she was more than that, too. She was every joke she told, everyone she hugged, and every day she lived.
I really appreciate the advice, because it was helpful and specific enough that I now know what to work on. I'm going to go back and edit this chapter based on what everyone has said, and then I'm going to work on the next!I feel so jealous reading this >.< You're so good!
Well, this is, in fact, very realistic. I'm baffled by the way you described Anne. Her bubbly character when she was alive, and Ian's struggle with her lost. Well, Ian's sadness was indirectly explained when you described Anne.
'Remembering Anne as her life and not her death was what the priest had said.'
Those powerful words. It really touched me inside. I feel so bad for Ian when he broke down. 
I wish the chapter was longer Sorry I couldn't say more, because the chapter was quite short although it was a really good start to a great novel.
I look forward to the next chapter :3
I seem to be finding you everywhere, I might as well give this a try:
I'm also not sure whether this is or isn't a prologue, but I think I'll reserve judgement until the first chapter.
I'm not great at grammar, school is a while back and the details have gone fuzzy, so here are a few words on the content itself.
I'm quite impressed with the way you handled one part of it, the obsession, to a degree avoiding it and sticking to the facts. It left a somber, yet desperate impression. We subtly learn more about Ian and where he lives as well, without being subjected to suffocating amounts of exposition.
Now on to the nitpicking and questions.
I wonder though... does the scripture verse chosen suit her?
Does it describe her in some way?
Does he blame himself at all for what happened? From experience suicide is harsh and you just keep thinking whether there is anything that could be done. This has a certain sense of detachment and finality without the anguish one might expect, the questions, the self doubt and the blame. Something to consider.
Still a very well written piece though.
I think this works very well as a prologue. At the moment, I haven't got the faintest clue what the story will be about, but I'm interested and a little invested in one character, so that's about as much as you could want from a prologue.
I'll start at the beginning, since it's a very good place to start. The first line is fantastic, but I feel that you're not doing justice to the power it should have by using numerals for 343.
Normally I would use numerals for a number this long, but in this context I thing it would be more powerful to write' three hundred and forty-three.' Especially considering you wrote out fifty-two later. For the same purpose, I would make 'there are two mausoleums a separate sentence.
"Ian couldn’t make himself leave. He had said every prayer he knew, every goodbye he could think of, and every question he had, but leaving brought on a finality he wasn’t ready for."
I think the second part of this would flow more smoothly if it were: "He had said every prayer he knew, wished every farewell he could think of, and asked every question that he had."
"Her life was summed up in eighteen words; fifty-two letters, fifteen numbers, two commas, a dash, and a colon."
I think this would be more grammatically correct as: "Her life was summed up in eighteen words, fifty-two letters, fifteen numbers, two commas, a dash, and a colon." The semi-colon is unnecessary.
"But she was more than that, too. She was every joke she told and everyone she hugged and every day she lived."
The comma in the first sentence here is definitely necessary. It's possible to argue that the extra 'and' is stylistic, but in the second sentence I think it would work better as "She was every joke she told, every person she hugged and every day that she lived."
"Remembering Anne as her life and not her death was what the priest had said. Ian believed him, and he believed himself when he said it, too, but it didn't keep him from feeling the pain from Anne's death; it didn't keep him from crying again."
Here, again, the comma before the 'too' is unnecessary, and the semi-colon might as well be replaced by a period I think.
I hope you don't think all the grammar nit-picking is an insult. In terms of content, I really like it, and I'll definitely read the first chapter.
Viva la reviewlution!
I actually appreciate all the grammar criticism, because I always have trouble with grammar in my own writing, and I tend to be a little too liberal with commas and semi-colons. Your criticism was specific, which I appreciate a lot, because I can go back and fix the mistakes I made now!Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review, as requested.
Oh my Lord, this was amazing. I have no nitpicks—none. This was just... perfect.
I'm not sure I can put into words exactly why I loved this, but I'll try. Firstly, the emotion. It was very realistic, very intense and palpable. I could feel Ian's pain.
Then there's your amazing imagery. Not too overwhelming or too much, but just enough to paint a clear and stunning image in the reader's mind. Fantastic.
The pacing was solid. Word choice was wonderful, and everything flowed together beautifully. This is one of the best prologues I've read—it doesn't reveal too much, and it leaves the reader desperately wanting more. Just as a prologue should.
We know little of the characters (which is good, since this is a prologue), but they seem quite interesting. Particularly Anne.
This drew me in from the first line and my interest never waned... and not because it was short, either. This is just such an exceptional piece and in so many ways.
It's hard to pick a favorite part, though if I had to, it would probably be this:
Her life was summed up in eighteen words; fifty-two letters, fifteen numbers, two commas, a dash, and a colon. Those eighteen words, Ian thought, couldn't describe Anne like he knew her, like her friends and her family knew her.
Everyone knew Anne was just not a name. She wasn't a date, and she wasn't a Scripture verse. She was short hair and long skirts. She was loud laughter and louder ideas. But she was more than that, too. She was every joke she told and everyone she hugged and every day she lived.
I'm glad you liked it, and this gives me motivation to continue with the story!Hai queerelves, Laure here as requested and happy review day!!! So, I'm going to start right off the bat with the first and most important nitpick. This is not a prologue, and You should use one with great caution, here is why.
First of all, this is not a prologue. Do not misuse prologues as an introduction to chapter one or an event that preceded chapter one, which in this case seems to be the situation here. Now I will warn you against the cautions of using a prologue, as most readers skip them in a real life situation unless they are incredibly intriguing or provides an essential back story (that cannot be written anywhere else in the book.)
Secondly, if you want to use the prologue as some kind world-building platform, and provide a gripping opening for the story. DON'T. That is not what a prologue is about.
Now, I've see very few prologues, and even fewer that has been written well. So, I strongly advise you against it. You could simply made this chapter one and it would have been perfectly fine.
So, if you don't know how I review. I usually point out all the technical details and my opinion on the plot and style. Then I will give you a summarise of the story and tell you the things I liked. So, let's get on with it.
[I]Spelling and grammar-wise:[I] As you can see, I'm no grammar Gandalf, as far as I can see there are no spelling mistakes in this chapter and the grammar seemed as perfect as it can get. So, I'm going to move over to the content.
Question. Is the two mausoleums needed there, because it wasn't mentioned again in the chapter so I see no point in mentioning it because it made your sentence seem choppy. In fact,There are 343 headstones in Saint Goswin Cemetery; there are two mausoleums.
Would have worked better and it would connect directly with the next line.There are 343 headstones in Saint Goswin Cemetery
I liked this sentence, in flowers and grief. Though I wish you could've gone onto how the grief and flower have covered it, remember the show don't tell.It was still covered in flowers and grief.
Closed doesn't quite give the right imagery, I think perhaps, 'buttoned' might be a better word? But, I know that feeling when you just can't think of a single word to describe what you want.Ian closed his jacket to the highest buttonhole
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