Young Writers Society

Hello!
This was a beautifully descriptive poem, filled with emotion!
Because I read your little thing about what this poem was about, I know what it is about. But if I hadn't read that I think I might have ended up a bit confused.

Your images were just so descriptive, I could picture every one. I especially liked

Together, we’re better
even than the sky as it
stumbles behind, caught
in our blur of past and future.

The third stanza I'm not so sure about.

for lunch, but not just;

I feel like that second little part there is a bit awkward. But it also kind of feels like you're trying to catch up to yourself, which fits with the speed that you're trying to convey. I also don't know what to think about "console." I'm just not sure at the meaning of the word. I googled it, and there's about a million meanings for it. But since you talked about a car earlier, I imagine that's the one you're talking about. The part surrounding that word just reads as a little strange too. But I like the end of that stanza.

I absolutely adore the last two lines of the poem. It's so beautiful.

Anything that I didn't mention, I love.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis

Hey there, rhia. I'm Lumi. Let's talk about poetry.

You have a talent for fluidity. I'm uncertain as to the relevance of your opening line in conjunction to the remainder of your poem. I can see it relating to driving fast / risking life and limb / taking full advantage of youth, but the general phrasing of God-Games makes me believe that there's going to be more risk and, in a way, danger in the remainder of the piece. Like I said, it relates to the line of thought that travels the thread of the more surreal images you present. Regardless, the term God-Games ran through my head the wrong way, I guess.

In stanza two, I'm ill-content with the phrasing of

The open windows tell us all we need, the
innocent blue stretches out over us

for the simple fact that the two active verbs (tell, plural; stretches, singular) do not line up and cause flow issues because I am maddeningly picky. It's nothing but a technical flaw, but it's easily remedied. I would prefer it as

The open windows tell us all we need, the
innocent blue stretched out over us
constant, feverishly following our trail,
but never quite catching up.

In that setup, you save a bit of mouth-space and change an action of the sky to a descriptor, which I feel works more fluidly. Your choice, though.

Stanza three is just good. You may reconsider the line break between "over table, over / hot summer air" as it fumbles a bit. The duo of lines would work as one if you don't mind the aesthetic length.

To remain consistent with your grammar, throw a comma behind "so I keep it". The pronoun "they" could be referring to a number of things: the smiles, the eyes, etc. It's not a major flaw, but the sequence of phrasing assigns the pronoun to the smiling eyes. If that's not correct, specify. I'm a fan of the ending lines mostly because of the possibly unintentional use of The Red String of Fate, which further develops your God-Games.

I usually have more to say about poetry. You're good.

Lumi