Young Writers Society

Woah, nice story, mate.
Bol here, and I just love stories like this that flip an overused cliche or common fairytale on its head and challenges it, very nice.
Not many nitpicks for me to nitpick, quite well written and any errors have been mentioned in the reviews before me. You've got a pretty darn good story here but I'd personally suggest that you show just a tiny bit more interaction with the 'damsel' and the hero, or the one the damsel is working with, just a tiny bit, but if you don't want to then that's all good.
I'm not really sure this would make a good longer story as I like to keep mine nice and short, ending usually about where you ended here, because after a while the momentum of the story begins to slow, strange things begin to pop up and the quality of writing slowly begins to degenerate, but you might be able to pull it off somehow, I don't know.
Nice story overall and I hope you keep writing, peace.

Hi!

i really liked this short story, so orginal and written perfectly to get your message across.
I do have one thing to say though: do you plan on continuing this story? It would be great if you would expand on it, let us in more to see this different perspective on these fake damsels in distress. What is she going to do? Why does this happen?

I will get the reward that has been promised to me, and that is all that I care about.

He will fall for me soon enough, and then I will strike.

They hear pounding footsteps behind them, and they all turn to stare at the woman running towards them.

Not as a thief or bandit or some other notorious figure trying to hinder their quest, but as the damsel in distress.

hello there,

pheonixwhisper here to review

First of, I really like the concept of seeing the story from the point of view of the damsel in distress as well as the dark motivations you gave her.

"I will get the reward that has been promised to me, and that is all that I care about."

I love the potential storylines that could come from this line. What could the reward be? What has happened to her to make her act this way? I cant wait to see what you do with it.

"I was attack by bandits"

simple error, I think you meant attacked.

overall, this is a great concept and I cant wait to see more of it

Hiya Caylleen.,
Here to review ya.,

Not like I would really attack him. That would just ruin my image.

This is an interesting concept, I like it. It's taking a cliche into something more interesting. It seems like just the beginning of a much larger, equally interesting story. But it's still just find being on its own.
The only thing I feel the need to point out is, when you say, "I tear the sleeve of my shirt, pull down my shirt a bit to reveal some skin-"
When I read this, at first I assumed you might have meant to say that she was pulling UP her shirt to show her stomach or something, but shortly after, I assumed she was pulling it down to show more of her chest? If so, maybe you should specify exactly WHAT part of her skin she's trying to show? Saying "chest" or "cleavage" or something of that sort?
Other than that, I really enjoyed this short piece here. I especially like the ending line. I'm not good at ending chapters or stories without making it sound weird. So I always appreciate a good closer, you know? And yours is one of the best, I might say.

Keep up the good work!
I hope this was helpful in any way possible!

~Sylar

I love the premise! We rarely get to hear the inner thoughts of distressed damsels.

If this is part of a larger story I understand why you didn't add more descriptions of the characters, but if you intend to make this an opener, you'll probably want to build the characters.
For instance, I know that the damsel is female and the hero is male, but that's all. Are his shoulders broad and his face dreamy? Is her hair the color of ripe corn? It makes the story so much easier to read if we know what we're looking at.

Also, you don't need to tell us what you're doing if we can see it. You straight out told us about the jumping out of the tree. Maybe you could have said that you flew through the air and landed with a jarring thud. Again, it makes a story more fun.

I like how you said that it would ruin your image to attack, but what image are you going for? The helpless female or the girl who just needs a little help?

Overall, we just need to know more. That will come with time, so keep going. This could be a great story!

Hello There! Tiger here to review!

I would like to say first, before I get into the icky stuff, that though a bit cliche, I do like the story overall. That being said, there is a lot you can work on to make is great!

1. I know, I know, we've all heard it. Show don't tell. This story is full of telling and hardly any 'showing' when it should be the other way around!! For instance we will start with the following paragraph:

"I jump down from the tree, and scoop up some dirt from the soft ground and smear it on my face and arms. I give myself a couple scratches and cuts, to make it look like I have just been attacked. I tear the sleeve of my shirt, pull down my shirt a bit to reveal some skin, and start running towards them."

Now, you see how you are telling us exactly what she is doing? It's boring. Make it fun! Make the reader interested in what she is doing and WHY she is doing it without telling them! Especially the part in bold, we understand WHY she is doing it so don't tell us. Get rid of that and SHOW us what was want to say to the reader. Every little detail doesn't need to be made known to the reader. Try something similar to: "My porcelain white skin soon changed to the orange-red of mud as I plastered the dirt over my arms, quickly." etc, etc. You see? The reader can figure out what you are doing, you don't need to explain it. Your job is to make it rich and worthwhile to read!

"One from the group, a very serious looking man, pulls out a sword and stands ready to attack if needed. Not like I would really attack him. That would just ruin my image."

These next couple lines here also need to be changed. Again, you need to make the sentences fuller, but mainly the problem you have is 'telling.' Don't need to TELL the reader these things. Show them (describe how innocent and beautiful she is, etc). Basically you need to take out the lines above in bold.

Alright, I won't give you anymore examples of this, but you see the point? I'd just go through and correct these. I want to see come beautiful adjectives and lots of showing!

2. You really need to work on your main character. I understand that this is only a certain part of this story, but right now? I don't like her...though I don't dislike her either. This is dangerous ground to tread here. This character has literally nothing that makes her interesting OR relate-able to the reader. Again, this could change further into the story, but as the first glimpse into this story (the first impression the reader will have of your main character) I think you should talk about her a little bit more. Give us SOMETHING about her that will draw us in for the mean time.

That being said, this is why writing in first person is difficult. You've really got to be careful with your character because of the way you are writing this story.

And last:
3. This is going to be my recap, mostly. Overall, this story has potential, but needs some tender love and care. Be careful with how you word things, talk more about your main character (little things! I'm not saying to tell her life story in the beginning!), and most importantly SHOW don't tell.

Now, I understand this may seem a bit harsh, but I can see a lot of talent and potential. I'm saying this because I know it will make you better. I am waiting for the reviewed/revised copy as well as the continuation of this story as well!! Again, I wish you luck and I hope that I helped you!

Cheers!
Tiger