z

Young Writers Society



Magnolia

by Rook


She can't sleep.

---

It was April, blossoms were beginning to poke out their heads. It was the day before Easter and she colored her eggs with colored pencil. She drew the chick trapped inside the egg. She sculpted a beak out of colored paper and glued it to a cracked egg. She received worried looks and blithely dumped the rest of her eggs in the vinegar, five-color dye.

---

It was today. She had been told to do one thing too many and it was raining outside and it was too hot and she just wanted to be in the rain and out. She peeled off her socks that weren’t socially acceptable for her to wear but she wore them anyway. She ran outside on the pretense of checking the mailbox (although she had already checked it), then on checking the garden. The wet grass, newly green from the harsh winter, hugged and caressed her feet, making their soles (or souls) feel refreshed. The grass was greener than any color of green she had ever seen. She ran around to the backyard where the magnolia tree was in full bloom, and everything else (save for the diseased crabapple who was season-confused) was bare as lightning. It wasn’t quite raining. She wished it would rain harder.

She smelled every magnolia blossom she could get her nose to. Their smell was like magnolia blossoms in the rain with an after-smell of wet dirt. How unfortunate for one who does not know what this smells like. She brushed up between the magnolia tree and the rusty chain-link fence, finding the spot where she had climbed up the tree all those years ago to escape again, and to leave her mark on a being of the world. This magnolia tree was gargantuan. It had never been trimmed in her memory, and it threatened the powerline that it clutched between branches. She set her foot on the soft earth beneath the tree, and something snapped within her as the branch beneath her foot cracked in two.

---

Spent the good part of an hour outside in the rain. Climbed the magnolia tree. It was in full bloom. It was raining like crazy. Stayed on the one branch for the best part of the hour. Smelled the tree. Got dirty. Found faces in the tree. Scraped away the dirt and lichen from around the eyes of the faces. Contemplated heaven and death. What color is the bark in heaven, away from the dirt of earth? Determined it would be white and green. The eyes in the faces were old and young, and they cried with the rain. Got drenched. Couldn’t tell if own self cried or not. Got really dirty. Contemplated water droplets, and a speck of dirt and lichen tumbling together in one. Parents called. Didn’t come. Rain died down. Expected the new wave of rain from faster dripping of the gutter. Found where initials were carved from many years ago, right over a smiley face. Saw the tree had carved its own initials. Got dirtier. Realized that the branch holding weight was right over the power line. Clutched the central trunk. Feared for life. Thanked that it wasn’t a thunderstorm. Didn’t fear for life enough to move. Pondered the fact that there were so few magnolia trees. Figured tree was lucky. Pondered that the tree was broken in many places, but its bends were its branches. Didn’t get cold. Got cold. Laughed. Pondered insanity. Held the belief that might be insane. Both rejected and proved this belief with infallible evidence from both sides. Wondered if parents called the cops. Tasted the rain on the lichen on the bark of the tree. Spat out the dirt. Apologized to the tree for being rude. Climbed higher. Smelled flowers. Crushed a bud. Looked at rain drops on flowers. Got dirty. Pondered cleanliness. Jumped at noises. Stayed still for a long time. Didn’t hurt self. Wondered if the sky would get dark soon. Decided it was time to go back. Hands were red and dirty. Was wet. Left part of self nestled in the branches.

---

She went into the garage. She was ill at ease with the absolute silence. She went into the house, the dishwasher was on so it was okay. She went up to room and wrote all of this. She had nothing clean to wear, and needed to get off her wet clothes, so she put on a dress that looked like the magnolia blossoms if you imagined it just right.

---

And she has finished her story and now she can sleep.


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896 Reviews


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Sun Apr 27, 2014 5:42 am
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hey Forticuno!

The stream of consciousness paragraph about the tree and such is the best paragraph here. The three that follow are fine, nothing wrong with them essentially, but your stream of consciousness is the bees knees. It says all of the things you had been saying but it says them better, it collates all of the information and flashes them at us like sudden trees through a car window, watching an orange grove pass by, lines of trees one after the other until sometimes they look like the same tree waving. That is what that paragraph gives me and I love it.

I do not love what comes before it. That isn't true. I don't mind "It was April" and below that, those paragraphs do not grip me but they are something to be read and felt and internalised because externalising wouldn't work, not now and not for this. But before that? No. They say things but they are uninteresting things, somehow... self pitying? In a way which detracts entirely from what the rest of the piece says. The rest of the piece doesn't ask for pity and is not shamed and is not questioning the reader with it's concepts and it isn't saying "this is me this is me this is me" in the way those other paragraph do. You can do better.

I'd cut away everything that comes before "It was April". You can keep those bits and make them into something else, but they aren't the story that comes after. That story is beyond and before and after and something else. I like it. I suppose you could argue the balloons and holocaust add to the idea of what comes after but I don't think we need them to understand where your narrator is at, what feeling we are chasing and immersing ourselves in. I like that feeling, I like how you've packaged it for us without pretention and without mucking about. I like the words you use and the language you've pressed at us, through the leaves and into the egg.

Thank you for writing this.

- <3




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Wed Apr 23, 2014 5:01 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey fortis!

So I've finally gotten around to reviewing something by you. I don't think I've done that before.

I really like your poetry, how creative it often is and how you mangage to resonate so much through it. I especially love the imagery you write, which is terrific in this piece.

However, I have no idea what this is. There's not really much I feel from it, which I suppose is bad, seeing as this is written very poetic. It is you after all.

It's like a first person short story, but written from a third person point of view. It jumps around within it's own timeline, is presented in very short choppy sentences and despite it's short length, I found it struggled to hold my attention. Yet, as I said, it is written very poetic and there's extremely beautiful imagery woven into it. For me, it's what pulled me in and what I loved about it. I honestly think you could convey this much better through one of your poems.

I'll write as I go along:

---

I would understand it if you only used these whenever the days change (as 'she' is writing this at night, before she is able to sleep, right?). I initially thought you used them whenever a scene changed, but they also seperate single settings. I would love this a lot more if it looked smoother.

sitting in her hands like a hundred dead lizards.

This line is incredibly good. It's just one of many great visuals in this piece.

Suggestion
And she was right: she cried for

I guess this is just my personal preference, but I don't like capitalization after colons.

Edit
It was April; blossoms were beginning to poke out their heads.
Either throw a semicolon in here, or add an 'and'.

Suggestion
acceptable for her to wear but she wore them anyway.

acceptable for her to wear but that she wore anyway.

It had never been trimmed in her memory,

Not entirely sure what you mean by this line. In your (how come?) memory or....the tree itself? O.o

The next paragraph I really don't like. So far there has been a lot of good imagery and visuals. Some of them so good it almost affects my senses (maybe I just love rainy days too much). However, with this paragraph it all goes away. It's small, choppy, goes on too long and is filled with run on sentences which only (over)explains everything as it happens. Step. By. Step. (Hey, see what I did there? ;) )

Rain died down.

But it wasn't quite raining. Unless that wish came true.

Thanked that it wasn’t a thunderstorm.

Not sure about this one, but I might have gone with Thankfull.

Edit
Didn’t fear for her life enough to move.

Broke the POV.

Crushed a bud.

Rude. I would have apologized for this too! :D

The remainder of the short is cute I guess. But not really interesting in any way. Poetic or otherwise.

Oh, but one thing:
Rubber bands pull her teeth, moving her jaw around.

What on earth does this mean? I have no idea. Floss 'N Toss? :|

Well, this is pretty much all I would comment on. Overall, there's a lot of things I love in it. But there are also many things I'm not too fond of. Your poetry skills are definately your greaters aspects. I quite liked the magnolia tree as well as the carvings, so I'd love a poem centered around this instead. (And hey, how about throwing in some raining frogs just for the heck of it.)

---

And he has finished his review and now he can sleep.


Keep it up, fortis!


Cheers
Birkhoff




birk says...


Oh god, I'm derpy sometimes.

It had never been trimmed in her memory,


You obviously mean it has never been trimmed in as long as you can remember.

No idea what I was thinking there. :D



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46 Reviews


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Wed Apr 23, 2014 3:08 am
Astronaut says...



You sound a lot like me.





If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket