Hey WritingWolf,
I love this. It feels like a trip through time, if that is what you intended. You start off with a very archaic style and then, as the poem gets choppier and you start utilizing 'you' and 'your' instead of 'thou', I feel like we're transported through modern times. Perhaps an implication that the theme you deal with is eternal? Perhaps something else?
The form of the poem seems to be very important in this piece. It goes from more or less uniform stanzas to smaller and smaller, choppier stanzas. However, the uniformity at the very beginning is ruined by this line:
Who is trying only to grasp why I find you in all words.
Beautiful line, by the way
Like most of the rest of the poem, really. I just felt like you ought to really try and stick to the uniform structure of the poem at that stage, as it seems to be important to the overall message of your poem. On the other hand, I fully understand why you would not want to butcher this line. Perhaps, you could work on it to by shortening it, but still retaining its original beautiful meaning. Would taking 'only' out work? That's just one suggestion, though maybe after some thought you'll come up with something better. There was also one stanza I did not particularly care for:
I shalt not turn away,
No, not this day.
I want you now
But I cannot find you,
It sounded almost like a whiny, teen pop song in the top 40 chart. It does not fit at all with the rest of the poem. I think from 'No, not this day' is where the problems begin. I particularly dislike 'I want you know, but I can't find you'. It sounds a little simple and shallow and not very well thought out. You probably know this, but with poems, you ought to make all of it count. None of it should feel rushed or not thought out, and I thought this did and it detracted a little from the poem for me.
But, other than that, I thought it was a beautiful poem
Keep writing,
Hecate
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Reviews: 100
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