z

Young Writers Society


12+

I long to catch the ocean

by Crimsona


Not really sure where this has sprung from. There are a lot of mistakes - probably it's main mistake is that it rhymes. I might rewrite this in free verse at some point because I'll probably like it a damn sight better in that form. Ah well, something compelled me to write this so now I feel compelled to post it.

I wish that I could stop the storm lamenting in your mind.

The thunder crash of memories that I thought you’d left behind.

I cannot stop the cascade of tears that drown your cheek,

nor can I halt the trembling that consumes your whole physique.

.

I long to catch the ocean that you weep in my two hands,

but it slips through the gaps between my fingers. I hope you understand.

I imitate the summer breeze and whisper calming words,

but I can only say so much when your mind is vague and blurred.

.

I yearn for the earthquake in your chest to ease and rest once more,

and for the creases at the corners of your lips to restore

into the beautiful valleys that always seemed to form

when your face erupted into grins, it symbolised the dawn.

.

Glorious ivory feathers do not sprout from my shoulder blades.

I cannot swoop down and save you from the perpetual brigade

of demons that never cease to haunt your, now decaying, mind.

I would. If I could. But it’s like flying against the prevailing wind.

.

I simply cannot rescue you from the tempest in your head.

I can only cradle you in my arms and wipe the tears you shed.

I can’t promise that it’ll be okay, or that the fear rescinds.

But I swear to you that I’ll love you, until your lights have dimmed.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 290
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Apr 22, 2014 12:40 am
View Likes



Hello. I actually really enjoyed reading this little poem. So good job on your part. :)




Crimsona says...


Thank you!



User avatar


Points: 290
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Apr 22, 2014 12:38 am



Hello. I actually really enjoyed reading this little poem. So good job on your part. :)




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 6395
Reviews: 60

Donate
Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:03 pm
View Likes
queerelves wrote a review...



As a person with pretty severe mental illness, this almost made me tear up. This is a very special poem, and I guarantee it would be so meaningful to anyone with depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness. It's absolutely touching, and you have a realistic view of people with mental illnesses that most people don't seem to have. Most people (specifically friends and significant others of people with mental illnesses) think that they can "cure" someone of their mental illness just by loving them, but it doesn't work like that, so sometimes the significant others of people with mental illnesses feel like they aren't loving the person enough, and they get upset because there's nothing they can do. It really makes relationships difficult--but you didn't do that. You recognize that you can't just make someone better, even if you really, really want them to get better--but you still promise that you'll love them even if they can't get better. That would mean a lot to anyone, and if you wrote this poem for someone in particular, I'm sure they'll very touched by it.

The meaning was incredible, and the writing was absolutely fantastic. I love your writing here--I really, really love your writing here. You use an extensive vocabulary without sounding like you used a thesaurus for every other word, and I actually like the rhyming scheme! I think it would be good as a free verse too, but the rhyming gives it a certain rhythm that fits the mood of the poem. I was going to quote some specific lines that I like, but they're all so great I can't pick which ones. I'll settle for just commenting on the last stanza: I think that may be the most beautiful part of your poem. It's well written, I love your wording and your use of the word tempest and the rhyming of "rescinds" and "dimmed," and actually everything else about it.

Like the review before me, the only thing I would recommend changing would be the third stanza. The second lines has too many syllables, I think; if you shortened it up just a tiny bit it would be perfect!




Crimsona says...


Your review really touched me. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my work, thank you. Your comments mean a lot to me - I'm so glad you liked it and that I did the topic justice. Thank you.



User avatar
87 Reviews


Points: 6040
Reviews: 87

Donate
Mon Apr 21, 2014 7:44 pm
Starleene wrote a review...



This is such a beautiful poem I had to read it twice. I'm not to find of rhyming poems myself because many people can't get the beats right but this was effortless. The imagery that you brought out almost brought a tear to my eye (almost ;D) There is one stanza that you might want to take into consideration:

I yearn for the earthquake in your chest to ease and rest once more,

and for the creases at the corners of your lips to restore

into the beautiful valleys that always seemed to form

when your face erupted into grins, it symbolised the dawn.


All the other lines rhymed with the one before so it threw me for a loop when I read this stanza. Form seems to rhyme more with restore and more than it does with dawn. It really pulled me out of the picture you were painting and made me question the whole thing in general. I think that if this were revised the flow would be spot on.

All in all, love it! Can't wait to read more of your work!

Keep on keeping on!

Starleene Out!




Crimsona says...


Thank you for your review, Starleene! You are completely right about that third stanza, I need to review that and try and rework it to flow a little more. Thanks again!



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 261
Reviews: 8

Donate
Mon Apr 21, 2014 7:08 pm
View Likes
JSFord97 wrote a review...



I really love this!! The imaginative imagery and descriptions are just beautiful. Especially how mend and entwine everything together. Personally, I would keep the rhyming, it adds something extra to it, and im not a fan of rhyming (mainly cause i cant do it, but oh well). The only thing i would say is that, perhaps in the second stanza ' I hope you understand' could be on a line on its own because its breaks the rhythm up slightly and to emphasise it. Also the third stanza is a bit un-punctuated, which makes it loose its rhythm, which then makes it slightly awkward to read, which then draws the attention from the beauty of the writing.
Other than that, i love it :)




Crimsona says...


Thank you for your review! You're right about the third stanza, I might have to jig that about a bit! Thanks again.



JSFord97 says...


My pleasure!! :)




it's ok, death by laughter was always how i've wanted to go out
— Carina