Young Writers Society

That. Was. Awesome.

I really like this poem. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but I really like how it's almost rambling--like someone who didn't sleep would do. The lack of punctuation obviously makes it difficult to know where to stop, and I may be wrong here, but it seems intentional since you did put punctuation occasionally. I absolutely love poems that don't follow proper grammar rules, because breaking grammar rules shows an intentional stylistic choice, so I really love what you did with this. Again, I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but I also like the way you didn't divide it into stanzas. Like I said, it makes the poem sounds like you're rambling just like a sleep deprived person would be rambling. (And now I'm rambling )

In some places I really enjoyed your word choice and phrasing, but in other places it just didn't flow right. "Sinfully awful" seemed a little redundant, and it just didn't seem to flow right. For some reason, I really like "There are some who not only don't sleep/But also keep the city awake." I'm not sure what about it I like, but I really like how it sounds! Another part I really liked: "So should I go to window and ask them to stop?/Should I scream, scold, and rant?/They really would deserve it though/If I went with the brick-throwing plan." It flows nicely, and it just barely rhymes--enough for it to sound good. (Actually, I think those lines are my favorite in the whole poem). However, there was another part I didn't think flowed to well: "Yeah, I'll just open the window wide/And fling my weapon with careful aim/I'll hit that bloody stereo/And I won't have to suffer again." It seemed "chunky" almost, and it didn't flow as smoothly as the rest of the poem. Finally, I don't really like your use of ellipses. I think there are other ways you could have added the pause, and the ellipses, once again, keep it from flowing well.

Hello there! Crim here to review your poem.

Ah, your poem reminds me of some of my early stuff! (Although it's a lot better than what I used to write)

I like it! It was quite amusing. I like some of the wording:

'ghastly melodies' <- I loved that!

However I do have quite a few problems with it. Firstly, the lack of punctuation made it very difficult to read - it completely destroyed the flow because I had to idea where I was supposed to pause, what rhythm to read it or if there was a rhyme scheme or not. So firstly I would punctuate this poem and it would instantly make it about ten times better!

Secondly - it's more prose like that poetic to me, maybe that's because of the heavy narration and little description. I'm not quite sure how you could change that other than rewriting some of it to add in more imagery, description, maybe metaphors and similes etc etc. Or you could possibly make the lines a tad longer?

Thirdly, the semi colon you've used after 'And the music' is misplaced. I would replace it with a dash or a colon instead.

The ending was funny. I enjoyed this poem, however because it's a humor poem I feel that it would benefit hugely from a rhythm, because that's half of why humorous poems are so funny! (And if this was from an experience that you personally had then I'm so sorry! It's such a nightmare when people are inconsiderate and play loud music... grr!)

If you have any questions about my review, please don't hesitate to shoot a message my way! Keep writing,

Crim