Young Writers Society

A small note on the prologue, I looked it over, and I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s just a bunch of exposition which you can just convey through the actual story. Still a good thing to have for yourself, but I would keep it out of the novel. (The first line was a nice hook though. Maybe you can keep it, use it in the beginning of the first or some other chapter.)

The actual beginning here is a bit dry… Not too engaging. General rule is start as late as you can, maybe with action or with a character, and everything you think you need before that you can introduce later in bits and pieces through the narrative.
In this case, maybe start with the second paragraph, but cleaner. Paragraph two opening sentence is good, then maybe add the dream after, then how she gets woken up, and from there continue with the action, cutting out all that’s not immediately necessary to the current scene. (Just a suggestion.)

“here you’re might want to see this” Typo.

The biggest issue I see is that the prose drags a bit. I think you can cut down out a lot of the exposition. Focus on the action and the scenes where something is actually happening in the “now.” Keep the backstory to the minimum. I know it might seem as if the reader needs every little detail immediately, but that’s not so, they only need as much as is necessary to set up and understand the scenes. Plus detail or two that might be relevant to explain things in the future.

I mean things like this: “I recognize it instantly as a friend that I made when I was little. Her name is Kacyleen, she is one of those people that will never play a joke on you” We don’t need. It’s good for you as a writer and to plot and develop your characters, but to the reader this is clutter. You can just say: “a voice called. It was my (old) friend Kacyleen so I rushed down the stairs, etc.”

The dialogue is a bit awkward here, perhaps revise it?

I’m confused. Kacy called, then some other chick was there? Then no explenation for a long time. Bring up her impersonating or being able to mimic voices earlier. Like instead of the whole paragraph on her being a Seller and whatever rank, and etc., go with “but it was Britney, my mentor, I hated how she impersonated people.” or something like that.

(I think I mentioned the tense swapping issue in another review… If not, straighten that up next time you revise, use the same tense throughout.)

So yeah. Focus on cleaning up the prose. Else I think you have a good grip on the story and characters.

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

To my relief and horror it was Brittany

She smiled and then slowly walked away with a swing of her hips.

Yo! I believe I caught you in chat yesterday, no?
Anyway, welcome to YWS! By the way, I will likely come off as harsh. You have now been warned.
First: nitpicks!
"abut less than the Metals."
“I’m here, I’m here"
“What, no hello to your favorite mentor?"
"she didn't give me an answer; all she did was freaking look at me!"
Okay... whew. Tiny mistakes. Sometimes I have to correct verb agreement and just... eurgh.
Now then, I noticed that you tend to switch between present and past tense a lot, so please watch out for that.
Since there wasn't much action, I can't really complain about technique, can I? I think it would be nice to get a tiny description somewhere of her surroundings, because right now I'm picturing the stereotypical white-and-disinfected-walls of the cliche sci-fi. Not sure if that's what you're going for or not.
My other issues were the overdone use of 'you', and also how much exposition there was. I know this is a beginning chapter, but sometimes it's more interesting to just let the world and its rules take shape in the reader's mind over time. Throw the ranking terms around like they're a part of the world that doesn't need to be explained. It makes everything seem much more mysterious and intriguing, as well as more thought-out.
Now then, like Youngwriter down there, I definitely want to know where and why Britney is taking Mel. You did a great job setting that up to be suspenseful.
I guess that's it from me.
Adios, Mack!

There are some minor errors, but overall I love the story. Your character is awesome so far, and your description of the dream at the beginning was really well written. I like the plot so far thou I don't know when you attend to tell the reader why things are like they are. But im dying to know. I cant wait until the next chapter.
When you get the next chapter ready you should send me a private message, or post it to my wall, I would love to review it as well.