Young Writers Society

Hello! So I haven't reviewed lyrics in a while but how could I say no when you asked so nicely? Let's take a look...

Verse One - Good rhythm and the message is very simple and clear. You outline that there are two parties in the song right from the start and I've got no trouble following you so far.

Verse Two -

Hoplesslysly in tireless fate

You need to fix a word there! The first line is strong and a great follow on from the previous stanza, but I'd like to see a stronger image brought in now. All we can picture at the moment is that the speaker is lying in their bed but other than that, there's no sense of scenery. Even the action of falling is very abstract because we don't know where they're falling from or too. Are they falling through galaxies? Falling through gaps in the fence? I'd like you to give us something to picture at this point - something concrete.

Verse Three - It may be nice to have some concrete images here as well. At the moment, this could be anyone's story and you need to make it personal to the speaker. Instead of 'the past' you could have a snap-shot which sums up the part of the past they are thinking of. For example: 'Then I have to remember/ the icicles hanging in your hair/ the day you turned your back on me' or 'Then I have to remember/ all the things you said to me/ sitting beneath our chestnut tree'. Try to give us more rather than less because it's those substance lines which make a person fall in love with a song.

Chorus -

I wanna stay with you until torrow

You need to proof read before you post

Okay so the chorus doesn't do much for me. It's something we've heard a million times before and there's nothing to distinguish their love from anybody else's. There's something catchy about 'All night, alright' but the words before that need to be much stronger. They need to be unique.

Here's a chorus that really gives you something different:

"So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out"

That first line in particular is really punchy and prints an image in your head. Then it's followed by a list of commands - step outside; stand up; take that - which are really strong and help to build a really consistent and firm voice.

Verse Four - If you put the second line into google, it will bring back a whole string of songs and you don't want that. You want lines which nobody has ever used before so if someone takes any line from your song which they remember and types it into google, it brings back your song and not someone else's.

Verse Five - Again, it's a little too vague - 'plight' is such a wide scoping word as is 'what I've done'. There are no specifics and that means there's no storyline to follow. If you think of this in terms of a music video, anything could be playing on screen behind this.

Verse Six - I was hoping broke was going to be in terms of having no money as that would give us a detail about the characters. We don't know if they're rich or poor, kind or mean. At the moment your lyrics sound pretty but there's no story and that's the most important element of a song.

Toward the end of the song you get better with the story telling because we have a few details like 'missing my groom' - that's the first time we even know the singer is female and 'four years'. It needs to come much sooner though and there are too many blanks. What might work is if you write down the framework of the story first and then turn it into lyrics.

You're very good at getting the rhythm right and making it sound nice, but the story is what will make your listeners want to hear it a second time.

Best of luck!

Heather xx