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Young Writers Society


12+

Chasing Nightfall Chapter 2: Names.

by GreenLight24


Author's Note: Hello, YWS. Here's the second chapter of my latest novel. I'm really just playing it by ear no, so any help would be much appreciated. Enjoy! :D

P.S the first chapter is here:http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=109472 just in case you missed it. :P

Names.

The squire lifted his sleepy head from the red velvet pillow and looked out of the suite window towards the rising sun. As he gently rubbed his eyes, a giddy smile forced its way onto his face. "Today," he whispered triumphantly to himself "We enter the light." The man stood up and slipped on his golden silk bath robe before walking over to the other side of the bed. Beneath a thin veil of nearly-transparent bed sheets and trapped deep within a peaceful slumber laid Lady Kendra, the love of his life and the last being on Earth who had ever found the way to his soul. "My Lady," he chuckled excitedly as he began to shake her from her rest "The Light has come upon us. The Light has come upon mankind once more." Lady Kendra let out a low moan and rubbed her eyes as she turned wearily away from him.

"Oh, Drake," she exhaled, a slight tone of affectionate concern in her voice "You and that Light business. You ought to be happy with what you've already accomplished." The squire crossed his arms and looked at her with a smug grin.

"My Lady," he began triumphantly, pointing his finger towards the large double window, "The Light has actually come upon us today." Lady Kendra wore an expression of elated astonishment as she walked carefully towards the window. The white-haired squiress lightly touched her hand to the glass and a joyful tear began to crawl is way down her rosy cheek.

"You've actually done it." she cried "You've actually brought back the sun."

---

The light-hearted clatter of plates and the soft melodies of the string quartet danced harmoniously through the crowded ballroom. The entire room was ablaze with the low murmur of petty conversation amongst the warm scent of freshly-baked bread. "Drake, my love," whispered Lady Kendra to her husband "It seems the whole world has come piling in through our doors." The squire let out a reassuring chuckle as he took her hand in his.

"Fear not, My Lady," he began "The affection of the masses is well-deserved. I've got quite a gift to give you once this banquet is over." Lady Kendra flashed him a big smile as the couple turned to make their way down to the end of the table. The welcoming faces of awe-stricken aristocrats beckoned them to their places with noble civility. Roaring applauses lifted from the crowd as the couple took their seats.

"Welcome ," boomed the quire "To Chambers Manor! Welcome to the very first banquet in fifteen years!" The man paused and raised a polite hand to the congregation as they applauded once more. "For too long," he continued "Mankind has been living in the dark. For too long, we have been forced to live like rats within the airless confines of a lightless Earth." Drake glanced affectionately at his wife before speaking again. "For too long," he yelled "Our gardens have been empty and the Chambers family magic dormant!" The entire ballroom erupted with boisterous praises of the squire and squiress. Lady Kendra lightly bowed her head towards their guests as Drake motioned his attendant over. "Mr. Greyson," he whispered "Have the full conditions been met?" The plump attendant wore a soft smile as he began in a reassuring tone.

"Of course, My Lord. He has gotten what he asked for."

"Good." The squire rested his head upon his hand and let out a light sigh before looking across to the other end of the table. He nearly leapt from his seat upon seeing the man who stared back at him with vicious yellow eyes. Just as he started to turn back towards Mr. Greyson, Drake felt his pulse quicken and his vision begin to go blurry. The bewildered squire stood up from his seat to find that the entire ballroom had frozen in time.

"Go ahead," said the familiar voice of the caped visitor "Touch him." The squire kept his gazed fixed upon the man as he touched his trembling fingertips to the hem of Mr. Greyson's jacket. "Well," inquired the visitor "What does he feel like?" Drake licked his lips and ran his fingers through his jet black hair before responding.

"He's cold."

"Indeed he is," began the visitor with a devilish grin upon his face "Cold as the day he was born." The squire pointed an accusing finger at the man as he began in a low tone of frustration.

"Look here, Carrington," he murmured "What kind of vicious scheme are you trying to pull on mankind?" The pale visitor let out a series of cracked chuckles with a polite tip of his top hat.

"I am gentleman, Mr. Chambers and will be addressed as such." This display of disgraceful indifference made the squire's blood boil.

"I'm not playing any more of your games, demon. The deal is done."

"Ah," began Mr. Carrington "But you've been playing them all your life." Drake looked at his wife an expression of concerned empathy. "What is it, Chambers?" teased the demon "Got a little lump in the throat?" The squire let out a deafening cry of rage as lifted a wine glass from the table and flung it towards the incubus. There came a radiant flash of purple light and Mr. Carrington began to reappeared beside the red-faced mage. "There's no use in trying to fight me," whispered the demon "You made me, remember?" Drake frowned hard at the man before sitting back down in his seat. The fabric of time remained deadlocked as the two exchanged a malevolent glance.

"Why are you here?" sighed the squire.

"I'm here to take what you promised me." The squire jerked back in flustered astonishment.

"What do you mean?" he stammered "I gave you the Vigilatia." The visitor snapped his fingers and a levitating armchair appeared next to Drake's. Mr. Carrington let out an amused sigh as he took a seat next to the man.

"You did," he chuckled "But our deal stipulated that it would never stop ticking. You know what happens to my father if the Vigilatia stops ticking." The squire wore an expression of fearful shock.

"But how?" he sputtered "How could it ever stop ticking?" Mr. Carrington's lips curled into a mischievous grin.

"You know very well how, Mr. Chambers." The demon straightened his tie and sat up straight in his chair before continuing. "I always knew the last mage on Earth couldn't bring himself to conduct a deal with the Ministry. You humans are so predictable; always trying to be heroes; always trying to deliver the weak to their salvation. And even you, already with the power to do so much good, would risk the very existence of this world to satisfy your fancy." Drake brought his fist down upon the table, but not a single piece of cutlery moved.

"Listen, devil," he yelled "You can't assume that I-" Just as the squire's anger was ready to boil over, he was interrupted by the light sound of infant cries from the adjacent corridor. The man let out a panicked gasp as he quickly stood up from his seat. Mr. Chambers threw his head back in a crazed fit of laughter.

"Oh, human," laughed the demon "How you amuse me!" The caped incubus stood up from his armchair and began to float towards the sound of the cries. All the while, the squire walked alongside him with an air of conflicted cooperation. Mr. Carrington's smile bared all of his teeth as he walked into the study to find seven baby girls upon the sofa. The little black book rested fickly upon the sofa's arm. "You've outdone yourself, Mr. Chambers," he chuckled "Two miracles for the price of one. They're even impervious to magic. I see they've taken after your side of the family." The squire sat down upon a nearby stool and buried his face in his hands.

"Malcolm," he began in a tortured murmur "Take the book. But do not harm the children." The caped man rubbed his hands together in anticipation of what was to come next.

"Do you know what this means?" The squire took a deep breath in a futile attempt to keep from crying.

"Yes," he cried softly "I do."

"And yet you still chose to defy the balance?"

"Yes. I did." Mr. Carrington shook his head in disdain.

"Then you know the price for what you have done?"

"Yes," replied the squire "I do." The black-suited visitor wore a hellish grin upon his face.

"Before we get on with the proceeds," he hissed "Why don't you tell me their names?" Drake swallowed a lump in his throat before opening his mouth to speak.

"The one in the green blanket," he cried "Is Arielle. The one in the red is Ava, the one in the blue is Demetria, and the one in the yellow is Guinevere." Drake took a sorrowful pause before continuing. Mr. Carrington stared intently at him with judgmental eyes. "The one in the gold blanket is Atria." Mr. Carrington thoughtfully rubbed his chin as he studied the last two infants. They seemed to be smaller than the others and were nestled up against each other like two pieces of fruit hanging from the same stem.

"My, my, Mr. Chambers," snapped the demon "It seems you have forgotten the last two." Drake licked his lips and sat up straight on his stool before speaking in a tone that was lost somewhere in between a cry and a whisper.

"The one in the white," he muttered "Is named Kendra and the one in the black is Tiffany." Before the caped visitor could respond, Drake collapsed into his hands once again and began to cry harder than before. "Why," cried the squire "Are you doing this to me?"

"Pride." The squire looked up from his hands to find the demon skimming through the little black book. He quickly wiped his eyes and leapt up from the stool to apprehend him.

"Stop!" he yelled "The world must not be cast into darkness again because of my mistake. Take my life instead!"

"You know I can't do that," chuckled Mr. Carrington "All of mankind must pay for having disrupted the balance between light and dark; reason and morality; right and wrong; life and death. This wretched planet shall be purged of all life! It shall be freed from the decadence of the masses and returned to it's rightful state, darkness! However," he exuded "I will leave the last two of your children within this world to find what you and the rest of you cursed mages never could."

"What's that?" replied the squire in a tone of utter desperation and defeat.

"Light. For true light can only be found within the depths of utter darkness. " Within a few seconds, Mr. Carrington had begun to float off of the ground and the entire room was ablaze with purple light. The squire closed his eyes braced himself for what was to come. The sound of the infants' cries became louder and louder with each passing moment as the demon closed the book and began a spiteful chant.

"Cursed Spite, O' Cursed Spite,

That ever man was born to set it Right,

Take no heed of Heaven's might,

And put to Death this Blissful Light!"

---

"Hey," whispered Kendra as she began to shake her sister from her slumber, "It's time to go. They need us in town again." Tiffany moaned as she turned onto her back and looked up at her sister with glassy eyes.

"Why so early?" whined the girl "Just five more minutes." The white-haired mage crossed her arms in annoyed frustration as she peered up at the candle upon the holder in the wall. It's bright orange glow provided the only light in their home...and the only light on Earth.

To Be Continued???

Author's Note Continued: I paraphrased the first two lines of the chant from Shakespeare's Hamlet. *Does "Justavoidedplaigiarism fist pump* It just so happens to be one of my favorite plays! :D


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19 Reviews


Points: 938
Reviews: 19

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Sun Apr 20, 2014 10:43 pm
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Mackattack wrote a review...



This is a really good 2nd part. I'm happy that you have continued this story , and i am promising to stick with it till the nail-biting end. The one thing that is good to know is that , when you have a sentence in between dialogue like " he continued" then you should put a comma right after it. I don't know why but my teachers say it's the right thing to do. Also when there is new dialogue, then you should start a new paragraph. Overall it's a fantastic piece and I am looking forward to the next chapter. Its really fantastic to see you grow as an author, I can already see new improvements from last time. Keep up the great work!

Mackattack




GreenLight24 says...


Thanks! I really appreciate that you're gonna follow this. :)



GreenLight24 says...


Thanks! I really appreciate that you're gonna follow this. :)



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172 Reviews


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Sun Apr 20, 2014 1:04 pm
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Laure wrote a review...



Hai, Laure here again for chapter two. I actually review this as I read along the piece, and all my praise will be at the end. Don't hate me for this. >.<

"You've actually done it." she cried "You've actually brought back the sun."
O_O He brought back the SUN? How? I don't really get this, because didn't he woke up to the rising sun? Did you mean the sun in a symbolic way?

Today," he whispered triumphantly to himself "We enter the light."
New paragraph because is new dialogue.

Beneath a thin veil of nearly-transparent bed sheets and trapped deep within a peaceful slumber laid Lady Kendra,
This lady is trapped deep inside a thin veil of bed sheets? o.o I think there's some wording problem there.

"My Lady," he chuckled excitedly as he began to shake her from her rest "The Light has come upon us. The Light has come upon mankind once more." Lady Kendra let out a low moan and rubbed her eyes as she turned wearily away from him.
I really isn't meant to laugh at this, but Lady Kendra gave me the expression of me waking up on Monday morning to school. xD. So my point is, this Lady has been in a deep slumber for sometime? Since he said trapped. Well, if she wasn't trapped then reword it.

"Fear not, My Lady," he began "The affection of the masses
Comma after began, same mistake in chapter one.

the quire
-> I believe you meant squire.

"Welcome ," boomed the quire "To Chambers Manor! Welcome to the very first banquet in fifteen years!" The man paused and raised a polite hand to the congregation as they applauded once more.

"For too long," he continued "Mankind has been living in the dark. For too long, we have been forced to live like rats within the airless confines of a lightless Earth."

Drake glanced affectionately at his wife before speaking again. "For too long," he yelled "Our gardens have been empty and the Chambers family magic dormant!"

The entire ballroom erupted with boisterous praises of the squire and squiress. Lady Kendra lightly bowed her head towards their guests as Drake motioned his attendant over. "Mr. Greyson," he whispered "Have the full conditions been met?" The plump attendant wore a soft smile as he began in a reassuring tone.
-> I've separated it into paragraphs because previously, it was all jumbled into one. Making it difficult for the readers to see what was happening.

After Malcolm appeared (he is quite amusing) and Drake and him exchanged the huge dialogue between light and dark and balance, that whole conversation seemed kind of rush. As if you jumped from one character to the other without fully expanding their thoughts.

"The one in the white," he muttered "Is named Kendra and the one in the black is Tiffany." Before the caped visitor could respond, Drake collapsed into his hands once again and began to cry harder than before. "Why," cried the squire "Are you doing this to me?"

"Pride." The squire looked up from his hands to find the demon skimming through the little black book. He quickly wiped his eyes and leapt up from the stool to apprehend him.


Drake collapsed into his hands, I think you could expand Drake's emotion more and also, the same with Mr.Carrington (demon) instead of describing their actions.

"Stop!" he yelled "The world must not be cast into darkness again because of my mistake. Take my life instead!"
Wait, and then immediately after that, Drake has suddenly decided Carrington was going to throw the world into darkness again? O-O Slow down, have some tea and develop the situation.

"Yes. I did." Mr. Carrington shook his head in disdain.

"Then you know the price for what you have done?"


I think the bolded part is meant to be on the next sentence, because it sounds as if Mr.Carrington was Drake.

"Light. For true light can only be found within the depths of utter darkness."
Ooo, Mr.Carrington is being all philosophical, I agree with him.

That ending got me kicked in the face, I had no idea what was happening. o.o Is Kendra and Tiffany in some isolated place? Where's Drake? What happened? The candle light is the only glow on earth? Has the sun been eaten by a mysterious unicorn? (Ok ok, I will stop joking.) That ending, I assume was intended as a cliff hanger thought it really made me even more confused. It would have worked just fine if you ended it with the chant, and put the last two paragraphs into the third chapter. Also, I would like the point out the pacing in this chapter was not as good as the previous one. Just in one chapter, Drake found light and then suddenly the world is thrown into darkness. I understand why, but the whole process seemed rushed. My brain is processing what just happened, so slow down and develop the situation. No need to rush.

[I]Overall impression:[/b] FIRST THINGS FIRST, CONTINUE IT. YOU ARE NOT TO LEAVE ME WONDERING WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Ok, as I was saying. You ended this chapter with a killer, especially the ending. Though in all honestly, I thought the first chapter was better it wasn't as rushed. Though in this chapter, I am getting a better feel of the characters and plot and I liked the fact this chapter had depth into it. Especially with how you wrote about light and dark, good and evil.

There is some work to be done, but keep it up, because I believe this story has great potential! Keep on developing your charcters but slow down and expand the action and emotions.

(You can spam my wall with your hatred at this ridiculously long review.x.x I am sorry if I was too harsh.)

-Laure





The important thing is never to stop questioning.
— Albert Einstein