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Young Writers Society


12+

Golden Bird, Red Fox: Chapter eight

by Ventomology


Randall must have been running slower than usual that day, because Braxton felt impatient for all of the five minutes they spent getting to the Royal Palace. He almost felt like the journey would have been faster on horse, especially when he could see the skyline of the city drifting lazily across the horizon.

“We’re here,” Randall announced, thumping his tail on the ground. His ears twitched restlessly with the whinnying of horses. “Your horses stink. Don’t you have stable boys to muck this place out?”

Though Braxton wanted to clock Randall on the head, that would require the effort to turn at least partway solid. “Of course we have stable boys. They’re just bad at their jobs.” He strolled down the aisle to make sure his horse at least had clean straw, thankful that his sense of smell had been dulled by the absence of a real body. He leaned over the gate of his mare and frowned. It could be cleaner.

“Randall,” he called, “Let’s go find my brother. This stable won’t get any cleaner unless he yells at the stable boys for me.”

“Thought you’d never suggest it,” the fox said, “Now let’s scram before someone catches me here. It won’t do for anyone other than a valiant and vengeful hero to skin me.”

They set off towards the palace, taking the stable boys’ path for privacy’s sake. Randall avoided every piece of straw strewn on the ground and kept quiet. Soon enough, they reached the servants’ quarters. This part of the palace looked perfectly fine on the outside, but the moment Braxton opened the door, the fox gasped.

“What in the world is this?” he hissed, running a paw through Braxton’s leg.

The second prince wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking at either. His shock was enough to make him ignore the feeling of Randall touching his soul. All around the room, wooden dolls dressed in palace uniforms were hung up on hooks. No wonder Braxton had never seen accounts regarding the payment of servants.

“This is madness,” the fox whispered, “What exactly are you paying for mannequin servants?”

Braxton didn’t know; he was mostly surprised that he’d never noticed this before. He swallowed hard, racking his brain for anything about servants, but all he could remember was the odd receipt for the golden apple fertilizer. “I think we pay in wood,” he said finally.

“No way. It takes a lot more than just wood to make those things.” The fox bared his canines and a deep, guttural sound escaped his throat. “You have to use souls to make mannequins that seem real.” Suddenly, Randall stuck his nose in Braxton’s leg and sniffed. He pulled away and sighed. “I am so glad I took you to the Trador gardens.”

Though that didn’t make much sense, Braxton ignored the fox and strolled across the room. He was glad that none of them seemed alive at the moment, however creepy it was. Poking his intangible head through the door, Braxton looked both ways to check for other people. There was no one at the moment. He opened the door for Randall and led the fox towards the stairwell at the end of the hallway.

The most trying thing about walking through the palace with a fox was not the amount of caution taken to make sure neither of them was seen. It was actually the part where Randall needed to sniff every single decoration in the hallway. Whether it be the edge of an Eastern rug or the base of a giant vase, the fox took his time to get a whiff of everything in sight.

“Can’t you be quicker?” Braxton asked after checking the hallway with the Princes’ bedrooms. Randall was prodding an antique set of armor with his nose.

“Your whole palace reeks of the grossest magic I have ever smelled,” the fox complained, “is the coast clear?”

“Yes. Now let’s go already.” Braxton crept along the edge of the hallway, keeping his steps light in case he accidentally turned hard. He felt Randall trotting behind him, and was glad for the fox’s ability to walk quietly even when casual.

Since Ferrell was the youngest prince, his room came up first along the hall. Braxton turned the handles of the double doors and cracked them open just enough for Randall to slip in. Then he closed them quietly and floated through. Immediately, he looked to his brother’s four poster bed and smirked.

“I feel like it would be fun to get revenge on him today,” Braxton whispered.

“No doubt you’d like to play a prank on your idiot brother, Prince, but we can’t have him alerting the palace to my presence, can we?” Randall’s tail swished in the air. “To be totally honest, I’d jump on him right now if it weren’t for that. Wake him up, will you?”

Before he did that, Braxton took a moment to glance around his brother’s room. He hadn’t felt the need to come in before, and was surprised by its simplicity. The furniture was mostly white, and the walls were still covered by a mural of ocean waves from Ferrell’s sailor obsession eight years ago.

Braxton bent over his brother’s bed and jabbed his cheek. Ferrell’s eyes shot open, and he sat up like someone had sprung a mousetrap on his face. “Who’s there?” he asked, looking around frantically.

“Hello,” Braxton said, “I’m right here.” He waved in front of Ferrell’s face, but didn’t get a reaction. Frustrated, he went semi-solid and pinched his brother’s nose. “In front of you, dumbo.”

Ferrell flinched and put a hand to his nose. His eyebrows furrowed and he glanced around the room. “Where are you? If this is a servant using the invisibility cloak I bought, I’ll have you fired right this second!” Throwing back the covers, he leapt from the bed and nearly landed on Randall’s tail. Braxton was surprised to see that his younger brother wore an actual nightshirt with lace around the collar.

“Watch it,” the fox snapped, “or I won’t give you a hint for the next thing.”

“The next thing?” Ferrell asked. If he was surprised to see Randall, he didn’t show it. Instead, the third prince’s eyes gleamed with anticipation.

“Yes, yes, whatever. Both your brothers sort of got caught in this weird inn, one because he was stupid and the other because he was also stupid, just nicer and kinder, and they’re stuck there and can’t get the golden bird back,” Randall explained. Braxton glared at the fox; calling him stupid had been unnecessary. “And you know, you’re kind of the last prince here, and I’d like it if you got this right. I’ll lead you to the bird, got it?”

Ferrell nodded dumbly as Braxton opened the doors for the fox.

“Meet me by the stables with your horse, and make sure your stable boys do a better job with their cleaning!” Randall said. He flounced through the open doors and marched left, leaving Braxton no time to think as he caught up.

Together, the second prince and the fox snuck back through the palace, taking a different exit. Neither one really wanted to see the hanging mannequins again.

It took a good thirty minutes for Ferrell to arrive at the stables. When he finally did, the he was dressed strangely plainly, wearing commoner’s trousers instead of his usual white hose and black boots. He stopped in front of Randall and crossed his arms. “Don’t look at me like that, fox. We can’t all just wear furs.” Then, he strode into the stables to ready his horse.

“Was I looking at him funny?” Randall wanted to know.

Braxton shrugged and changed the subject. “So, why is Ferrell going to ride his horse while I had to hold onto your tail like an undignified fool?”

“Because I didn’t find you until it was almost sunset, and also because I feel obliged to stay with you. It’s not like you can keep up with a horse.”

Though he didn’t like being told that, Braxton agreed that the fox had a point. They waited in silence a few more minutes until Ferrell rode back with his palomino saddled and ready to go. By then, it must have been almost noon, but Braxton couldn’t tell since he didn’t have a stomach as a ghost.

“What now, fox?” Ferrell asked. He shook his head to get a stray hair from his face and avoided looking at Randall.

“You know the road that leads north out of town, right?” the fox said, his tail flicking impatiently, “well you’re gonna take that one until you reach two inns, one of them is very nice and looks inviting, and the other one is practically invisible because it’s so run-down.”

Ferrell nodded, staring blankly into the trees near the stable.

“It’ll probably be dark when you get there, so you’ll have to stay the night, but don’t go into the nice inn. Stay at the decrepit one, and then meet me outside in the morning. You got that?”

“Yes.”

“Then get going already! There’s no time to lose!” If Randall hadn’t been a fox, Braxton bet he would have slapped the horse’s butt to get it moving. The second prince watched as his brother sped away, and listened to Randall hacking and coughing in the dust the palomino had kicked up.

When the fox seemed to have cleared his throat, Braxton asked what they would do next.

Randall crinkled his nose. “We’re going to the Avondale estate. That’s where the bird is, and I want to make sure everything is in place. That includes your brother. Got to make sure he’s with Lady Avondale and not stuck in some magic contract.” Whapping his tail on the ground, he signaled for Braxton to grab on.

“What do you mean, magic contract?” Braxton tried to ask, but he was too late. His fox friend had forgotten to count to three, and the landscape blurred beneath Braxton’s feet.


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Mon Jun 16, 2014 4:33 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, once more.

Okay, the mannequin-servants is, to put it plainly, weird and totally unexpected. I have harboured the suspicion that Braxton's family is too dependant on the wizard for some time now, but this definitely proves it. I also noticed that you mentioned "the second/third prince" quite a lot in this chapter. I understand that you wish to avoid confusion, but repeating it so often makes it rather tedious. I'm just saying...


“Your horses stink. Don’t you have stable boys to muck this place out?”

Is this slang, because I have never heard of muck being used as a verb before. Personally, I'd have preferred clean up, but you know why you use certain words, so I trust if you use slang, it is for a good reason.

Also, I don't think it's the horses, per se, that stink, but rather their dirty stables.

Though Braxton wanted to clock Randall on the head, that would require the effort to turn at least partway solid.

Isn't over the preposition which is generally used along with hit/conk/clock etc.?

It won’t do for anyone other than a valiant and vengeful hero to skin me.”

What on earth? :s

The second prince wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking at either.

As I have said earlier, I understand your using "the second/third prince" for clarification, but here, where Ferrell isn't mentioned at all, it is redundant. Why not simply say Braxton or even he?

“No way. It takes a lot more than just wood to make those things.” The fox bared his canines and a deep, guttural sound escaped his throat. “You have to use souls to make mannequins that seem real.”

Like simply turning people into animals (such as without using curses), soul-trapping elements of a story are ones I do not much fancy. That is not the point though; how does Randall know so much about magic if he's cursed? If it is a side-effect of the curse, the wizard who cast it is just plain stupid.

The most trying thing about walking through the palace with a fox was not the amount of caution taken to make sure neither of them was seen. It was actually the part where Randall needed to sniff every single decoration in the hallway.

I advise joining these two sentences with a semi-colon.

“Your whole palace reeks of the grossest magic I have ever smelled,” the fox complained, “is the coast clear?”

Aha! Another confirmation of the suspicion of which I told you earlier.

“Yes. Now let’s go already.”

Doesn't Braxton find Randall's words odd?

“To be totally honest, I’d jump on him right now if it weren’t for that.

Because Randall is mischievous, or because he doesn't like Ferrell? Probably both.

His eyebrows furrowed and he glanced around the room. “Where are you? If this is a servant using the invisibility cloak I bought, I’ll have you fired right this second!”

I think Randall can see Braxton only because 1. he is a fox, and therefore an animal, and 2. because he is an enchanted fox. Also, it is common knowledge that animals are more in tune with the spectral plane than most humans. Ferrell does not strike me as the enlightened/necromantic kind (take note, the / does not mean enlightened and necromantic are the same, but rather that both can sense spectres), hence his inability to see Braxton.

Both your brothers sort of got caught in this weird inn, one because he was stupid and the other because he was also stupid just nicer and kinder...

Either the just should be a but, or it should be preceded by a comma.

“Meet me by the stables with your horse, and make sure your stable boys do a better job with their mucking!”

In this context, mucking would more likely mean making dirty than cleaning up.

Together, the second prince and fox snuck back through the palace, taking a different exit.

Once again, a he would be more appropriate.

“So, why is Ferrell going to ride his horse while I got to hold onto your tail like an undignified fool?”

The best way to write this would be "I have to", but if you must write colloquially, write "I've got to", lest it be grammatically incorrect.

They waited in silence a few more minutes until Ferrell rode back with his palomino saddled and ready to go.

The preposition for is missing here.

By then, it must have been almost noon, but Braxton couldn’t tell since he didn’t have a stomach as a ghost.

That's a good point, but can he not look at the position of the sun? Even if he can't see colours (can he?), he should be able to distinguish from where the light is coming.

“It’ll probably be nighttime when you get there, so you’ll have to stay the night, but don’t go into the nice inn. Stay at the decrepit one for the night and then meet me outside in the morning.

You used night three times in one sentence! That is far too unnecessary, so I propose changing your sentences to: " “It’ll probably be dark when you get there, so you’ll have to stay the night, but don’t go into the nice inn. Stay at the decrepit one and then meet me outside in the morning."

If Randall hadn’t been a fox, Braxton bet he would have slapped the horse’s butt to get it moving.

It's not a mistake, I merely think hindquarters would sound more professional.

The second prince watched as his brother sped away...

Once again, rather write Braxton.

His fox friend had forgotten to count to three, and the landscape blurred beneath Braxton’s feet.

fox friend should preferably be hyphenated, and I recommend replacing Braxton's with the preposition his.


This was quite an eerie and disturbing chapter, but not a poorly-written one. My only recommendation is that you consider using more appropriate pronouns. Other than that, nicely done.




Ventomology says...


Ah... and to think I just corrected someone the other day for their overuse of replacement nouns! *cries* Anywho, I will get to these nitpicks right away.
Also, the part about being slain by a valiant hero is important. Remember it well! *evil laughter*
Thanks as always for the awesome review!



BrumalHunter says...


You're welcome!



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:21 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Oh, so that's what you showed me. Well, I'm here to review buggie.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
Yay! Buggie, I didn't see any!


Ok, so ghost boy is here. La, la, la, dee, do. I wonder which Prince he is. The first, or perhaps the second (I think first because he is not as nice as the fox says one was). Why couldn't Braxton grab the horse's tail? Then it would've been easier to go with his brother.

Mannequin servants?! Yikes! Just imagine those mannequins at your local clothes store moving, and doing your chores. Well, that would be sweet, but what if they get mad at you and one night try to assassinate you? Well, hopefully they don't get mad.

Keep writing,

-lost




Ventomology says...


Thanks, Losty! And by the way, Braxton is the second prince.



lostthought says...


Really? He doesn't seem all that nice at all.



Ventomology says...


He only pretends he's not. In one of the earlier chapters, Braxton tries to save his older brother from an enchanted inn. He kind of fails.
Also... it's in the text after the comment about Randall slapping the horse's butt.



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:15 pm
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'm mostly just going to write positive things, so this review will be extremely short.

The thing I like most about this is just, well, your plot. I like how it's about animals (which not many people write about), but these animals are princes. Also, there is magic/fantasy incorporated in here, and a whole bunch of other genres (which yes, can get confusing, but sometimes really cool).

I also like your characters, Braxton and Randall. The names are pretty unique (I've never heard of anyone named Braxton and Randall) and their character personalities seem really built up and strong.

The only thing I (emphasis on I) don't like is the title. I'm not exactly sure why, but it doesn't seem to pull me in, and it's not, let's say "interesting". I don't know if that makes sense...?

Well, I hope this quick review helps, even though there was hardly any criticism! :)

WillowPaw1 ~ The Royal Navy




Ventomology says...


Thanks! And... as for the title, it is what it is because the story is loosely based on the fairy tale "The Golden Bird". I wonder what a better name would be....



WillowPaw1 says...


Ah, that's cool then. ;) Anyways, your welcome



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 5:49 pm
rawrafied wrote a review...



Hola! Rawrafied here, representing Royal Navy, to enjoy this lovely piece of work you've provided. Warning, I have not enjoyed you previous segments, so ignore anything that might have been answered previously. I'm gonna go line by line and pick out things that catch my eye.

Randall must have been running slower than usual that day, because Braxton felt impatient for all of the five minutes they spent getting to the Royal Palace.
Commas around 'for all of the five minutes they spent' because it's a preposition of more than three words and it can be omitted without disturbing logic and flow of the sentence.

...especially when he could see the skyline of the city drifting lazily across the horizon.
Like the use of this to demonstrate how slow time was going. Any hippy-dippy who's spent time sitting back and cloud watching would get this.

“Randall,” he called, “let’s go find my brother...
Even though it's a continuation of 'Randall', the speech tag it's attach to prevails. So, 'let's' must be capitalized.

“Thought you’d never suggest it,” the fox said, “now let’s scram before someone catches me here. It won’t do for anyone other than a valiant and vengeful hero to skin me."
These are two separate sentences, so the speech tag only applies to the first. Therefore, the comma after 'fox' should be a period. Regardless, 'now' should be capitalize regardless. Also, commas around 'other than a valiant and vengeful hero' because it's extra information.

“This is madness,” the fox whispered, “what exactly are you paying for mannequin servants?”
Same quote issue as above.

I'm gonna stop here. Hope this was helpful. Happy Review Day and fahrvergnugen!




Ventomology says...


Oh. Thanks for catching those grammar errors!




“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell