Your lips.

by retrodisco666

You used to give me the softest kisses.

Like pillows stuffed

with candyfloss gliding

across my lips.

That rush like adrenaline

coursing through my veins,

being pumped into me by

those lips.

When did your lips become cracked?

Shattered like the rose tinted glass.

Broken into a million pieces,

barb wire pressing into

my lips causing pain

and blood and leaving

me scarred and broken.

Your lips belonged to me.

Like an artist sculpting

their Venus Di Milo ,

your lips were my muse.

I stared and knew every contour,

that fine ridge,

those faint freckles

frittered across those lips.

They used to be a map I could

follow with such ease;

now it is uncharted territory.

I know what happened to your lips.

They were tainted by him.

He kissed you and pumped

his venom into you.

Swimming through you is the poison

which turned you against me.

That turned you into that fiend.

Your lips were once dreams,

now nightmares of

betrayal, deceit and lust.

And you just smile.

You smile when denying it.

You show me your teeth

like a shark, me being a

foolish prey that you would

just pick off.

You tell me I am corrupted,

poisoned,

un-trusting.

You go to kiss me.

And I break those lips.

Comments

Points: 11295
Reviews: 663

Donate

Sun Apr 27, 2014 10:58 pm

Messenger wrote a review...

Hi Retro, it's me again! I have too say that even before I read this, I'm looking forward to it The title gives just enough info to make me want to read it, so props to you for that! So, shall we read?

Like pillows stuffed

with candyfloss gliding

Gaah, so much amazing detail! And adding the word "candy" makes me think of sweet, which goes with the idea of a kiss. I don't know if that international or not, but it worked either way.

That rush like adrenaline

Should "rush" be rushed, seeing as this was in the past?

OK so I finished, and if you asked me to give you my favorite part, I'd copy+paste the entire poem. You have this way with metaphors and detail, and description. It is so beautiful. You definitely have some true talent. I don't see a lot of poems with this much depth to them. This is something that I think people will/can relate to.

So yes, I basically can't say anything negative about it. I loved it. You write romantic poems that I actually enjoy (I'm no romance fan) so you must be doing something right! Really good job overall, I'm going to give you a like!

Points: 2179
Reviews: 43

Donate

Sun Apr 20, 2014 5:33 am

AlmondEyes wrote a review...

Hi! Here to do a review! Or try xD:

Ok. Let's start with an over view of the entire poem. I thought you did a great job on the poem. I liked the description you used and the emotions you put into them. The poem flowed for the most part, but there were quite a few grammatical errors I noticed, which can also hinder your poem if you're not careful.

That rush like adrenaline

coursing through my veins,

being pumped into me by

those lips.

I liked this line in the first stanza because it reminded of that feeling you get when you kiss someone for the first.

Broken into a million pieces,

barb wire pressing into

my lips, causing pain

and blood and leaving

me scarred and broken.

I liked this part, but i'm pointing it out because it's a run-on sentence. Since i'm always honest, I pretty good with grammar myself, but I've never been able to correct another person's grammar very well. Also, another way to go about this sentence could be:

Broken into a million pieces,

barb wire pressing into

my lips, causing pain

and blood, ~~and~~ leaving

me scarred and broken.

But that's just a suggestion.

I stared and knew every contour,

that fine ridge,

those faint freckles

frittered across those lips.

I liked the imagery I got from this sentence. I also happen to like freckles xD

Your lips were once dreams,

now nightmares of

betrayal, deceit and lust.

This was the sentence I liked from this stanza. When I read this sentence, I see it as the turning point where light turns to dark.

You tell me I am corrupted,

poisoned,

un-trusting.

When I read this, I think you're saying he ruined you, but I could be wrong ^^

You go to kiss me.

And I break those lips.

When I read this the first time, it threw me for a loop, xD but now that I go back and read it, I got the meaning a bit better; When you said that, did you mean that you literally broke them?

Over all, the poem was very nicely done, but the only thing I believe you need to work on is punctuation and Grammar. Keep writing though!! I enjoyed this poem, and I hope this helped!!

Points: 3742
Reviews: 274

Donate

Sat Apr 19, 2014 11:15 pm

cleverclogs wrote a review...

Wow, powerful writing! The emotions in your poem are so real and raw! I felt terrible for the narrator. I like how you tied everything in with the lips as a recurring theme. This poem speaks so truly about betrayal, it's amazing. You should definitely keep writing poetry. Nicely done!

Points: 669
Reviews: 132

Donate

Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:53 am

Legibletext wrote a review...

Hmmmmmm, very poetic. But I guess that is the idea. I like the description in this piece, it flowed quite nicely most of the time, however, there were grammatical and punctuation errors. But I trust you'll pick up on those when you read this over again.

My favourite line; "your lips were my muse.

I stared and knew every contour,

that fine ridge,

those faint freckles

frittered across those lips."

This was mighty detailed, and eloquent. You have a very romantic way of expressing yourself, that's unique. Some of the greatest writers are like that, like Shakespeare hehe. But this is better than Shakespeare, less gooey.

Young Writers Society

Your lips.

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources