z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Last Day Of School (Refurbished)

by VersatileJames23


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The Last Day of School

The bell ringed as usual, I was already sitting down. Lot of other kids came rushing in. “Mirvana did you do your homework” I heard a voice say? Turning around with a big smile “yes I did”. It was Teressa, she was my best friend since forever. Teressa never does her homework always warn her she needs to do her work. “What would you do without me” I said. ”I really don’t know” she said while rushing to copy the answers down. Mrs. Harrylance walked in, she was wearing a daisy flower dress, with blue cloud flats. ”You look nice today Mrs. Harrylance said .Others agreed and complemented too. ”Thank you class” Mrs. Harrylance said. “Now for roll call Arthur, Michael, Will, Betty, Lessa, Teresa,” she said. Before Mrs. Harrylance could finish Boom! He came busting threw the door. The usual it was Joey, he is late all the time. Joey walked in smiling as usual, “Sorry Mrs. Harrylance got caught in traffic” he said. Joey was a typical class clown, he never did his work, he made people laugh, and he was very clumsy.

“Okay Joey, sit down please” she said. Mrs. Harrylance always puts up with joey, he never gets in real trouble. I have to sit by joey all the time. Joey usually chooses to sit by me. Joey also always tries to talk to me, I hate it. ”Hey Mirvana, how is it going” Joey said with a big grin. ”Leave me alone Joey, you always try to talk to me, can’t you take a hint “I said in my meanest voice. But as usual he ignored it and still kept going. ”Joey be quit and stop talking” Mrs. Harrylance said. Class finally started, we turned in our homework. Most of the kids did not do the homework. ”Thank you Mirvana, that’s why you are my student of the month” Mrs. Harrylance said .Mrs. Harrylance begin to teach social studies I love social studies. I always wanted to be a part of history .My goal in life is to be the first Female president, ”I will make that happen” I whispered to myself. But today was different the lesson was extremely boring just could not pay attention.

Thirty minutes into class I can’t stop starring at the window. The snow is feathering the ground, the sky is lightly gray I cannot wait for today to end. Once I go home I’m going to play in the snow with my brother Jerry. We always make big snow men with a huge carrot noses. Jerry and I always knock them down after .We make big snow angels with it after that .Then I might stay on the phone with Teresa all night ,I mean probably until 9pm.But in the snow I see a man with black boots, brown jacket, and a Philly’s hat. He is taking things out of the truck, more candy and snacks. Why we already got candy and snacks this week. ”Mirvana, Mirvana”! ”What”? “Let me use your phone to text Jacob” Teresa said. Jacobs got suspended for a fight, lucky him. Teresa’s mom took her phone away, Teresa hates her mom.” “Okay “Teresa said.

Fifteen minutes left, then I will be home free. ”It was Lewis and Clark said. “Your right Mirvana, that’s why you have all A’s” Mrs. Harrylance said. Ten minutes left my legs were shaking ready for the great things ahead. Everybody started to walk around and talk to each other. I was too anxious talk or walk around. Mrs. Harrylance walked up to me and said “Mirvana your award ceremony is tomorrow”. ”Yes Mrs. Harrylance and thank you for choosing me” I said politely. ”You’re so cool and smart “Joey said. “Leave me alone Joey, Gosh can’t believe I have six months left with you” I said. ”You are the most annoying person I have met in my life “I screamed.

Then He walked in, black boots, brown jacket, and a Philly’s hat. What is he doing here?” Can I help you” Mrs. Harrylance asked. Right before my own eyes Mrs. Harrylance fell, the sound broke my ears. Everybody in class was in shock .Mrs. Harrylance was dead with blood leaking out of her head. The man looked at us, he had a big gun .I don’t know the name of the gun, but it was big. ”Bye kids” he screamed .Everybody scrambled around like rats being chased by cats. Arthur tried to run to the door, he dropped. My legs could not move, I was still in shock. When you’re about to die everything slows down. It felt like it took him three hour just to gun down three kids.

Everybody ran screaming and begging for mercy. ”Please, stop” Teresa screamed, the man aimed it at her .He fired more bullets than I could count, my best friend was gone .Tears ran down my cheeks, I could not even move my hands to wipe it. I never seen something like this before. My brother jerry played games like this all the time. But when it’s right in your face, it’s more than fear it’s not sane. I tried to close my eyes and imagine myself playing in the snow with my brother jerry, with mom making hot chocolate for us after. ”Hey girl “he screamed! I opened my eyes no one was standing. It was only me and him. ”This is just a dream “he said .I stopped for a minute, “A dream, when will it end” I said with a weak stuttering voice. “Right Now “he screamed with a bullets rushing to my face .I knew it was over for my life. In a blink of a eye someone jumped in front of the desk I was in. Blood blasted out of the body, the body fell on my desk. I looked at the face. It was Joey, without a word he smiled at me and touched my face.

Everyone was gone, I was the only real human left. The man smiled and said “what’s your name “.”Mir Mirvana “I cried.”Well Mirvana good bye “he said .Click, Click! He was out of bullets. Am I safe? Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pistol. Aiming it at my face, time slowed down again .The class looked like the red painting I made yesterday. He walked up to me, stepping on dead bodies on the ground. He was a monster,” any last words” he said .I was the first in the classroom today, but I am also the last to leave.” No” I cried .He clicked the pistol” hoped you enjoyed your last day of school”.


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User avatar
933 Reviews


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Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:55 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello. ^^

Okay, so. Wow. This needs a lot of work.

1. Slow down. You are blowing by everything so fast. Boom! The narrator enters the story. Boom! His best friend comes in. Boom! The teacher takes roll call at the speed of lightning, not even waiting for people to say "here!" Boom boom boom. Everything is happening way too fast. Your writing is rushed. You need to slow down and take things one step at a time.

2. Dialogue always starts a new paragraph. So when person A is talking and person B starts to talk as well, then they get their own special paragraph until they stop talking and either person A or person C starts. Go through and fix your dialogue.

3. You've a lot of errors, spelling and punctuation-wise. A lot of them were already pointed out, so do fix those so this is a lot easier to read. Also, you say you ran this through a spell checker? Well it sucks, so consider switching to a different one next time. ;)

On the plot itself, I'm not too skippy on it. I mean, a school shooting is so... commonly done. Unfortunately. I'm a bit disappointed that the shooter didn't have any sort of special villain speech or significant reason for doing all of this.

Moreover, I felt this lacked emotion. All I'm seeing is Mirvana (I think that's his name?) shouting "No!" over and over. I understand he doesn't want this to happen. But how does it make him feel? Despair? Angst? Helplessness? What are his inner thoughts? How can I connect to him if I can't understand his inner personality?

Overall, this needs a lot of work. There's so many errors. It was hard to focus. This has potential, but needs to be cleaned up before it can reach that potential.

Hope that helps.

~Iggy




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Sat Apr 19, 2014 2:29 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hello! WillowPaw1 here to review.

I read the description and I see you have edited this, no? There are still many errors in here.

Let's take a little chunk out of the first paragraph. Anything in red is the edits I've made.

The bell rang as usual, and I was already sitting down.A lot of other kids came rushing in.
“Mirvana did you do your homework?” I heard a voice say.
Turning around with a big smileI said, “Yes I did." It was Teressa, she was my best friend since forever. Teressa never does her homework even though Ialways warn her she needs to do her work. “What would you do without me?” I said. ”I really don’t know.” she said while rushing to copy the answers down.


Remember, that wasn't even a whole chunk of your work!

Okay, I'm going to be honest.

This piece seems verrrryy chunky. The paragraphs are way to big, y'know? Try to even them out. Also, when/after someone speaks, click enter (or return if you are on mobile).

I think you could've added more description. What does this main character feel? It needs emotion. Spark this up for me, will you?


Recap:

- Work on grammar
- Work on dialogue (punctuation)
- Make your paragraphs spaced out more.
- Add more description and emotion.

Okay, despite all my criticism, this is pretty good. Again, if you wrote it a year ago (right?) then it's probably not as good as your writing is now. A year is a long time, which means a long time to enhance your writing ability.

Hope this helps!

WillowPaw1~






well I kinda just put it in spell check and corrected everything red, which was lazy on my part. I appreciate the review though!



WillowPaw1 says...


:)



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Sat Apr 19, 2014 2:02 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, I will be your reviewer today! I will start off with a few nitpicks and errors. In the first paragraph, I believe it should be rang, instead of ringed. In the second sentence there should be an 'A' before lot or and 's' after it. Also, I think when there is dialogue, a new paragraph should be started. Between actual dialogue and the narration there should be commas. For example: “Mirvana did you do your homework,” I heard a voice say. (I think there shouldn't be a question mark in this sentence). The bold is where the comma was added. Also when there is dialogue usually there is an action of speaking word along with it, such as murmur, scream, say, etc. Also in the line, "It was Teressa, she was my best friend since forever," I think it should be for forever, instead of since forever. I believe adding to the next sentence the bold parts will help it sound better, "Teressa never does her homework, but I always warn her she needs to do her work it." In the dialogue after Mrs. Harrylance walks in is a bit confusing to tell where is stops and starts and there is an seemingly unnecessary period there.

Before Mrs. Harrylance could finish Boom! He came busting threw the door.

I think here you should move the "Boom!" to the beginning and not interrupt the sentence, to help the flow.

The usual it was Joey, he is late all the time.

Here "the" should be replaced with "As".

Other tips, please try to remember to capitalize proper nouns, and try to be as clear as possible. Even if it makes sense to you, it may not make sense to others when they try to read it. I understand that there are many other grammatical errors here, but I hope you can use my advice I have given now, to try to fix those in the future. I wish I had better comments to say, but I don't feel it was as good as it could have been. I would like to see that you improve it once more. Good Luck!
~Wolfare






thanks for the review bro




Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
— Helen Keller