Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I saw chapter 2 in the Green Room so I figured I'd stop by the first chapter so the next one will make sense!
The gun shots slowly faded in the distance.
This sentence sounded a bit strange to me when I first read it. And to be honest, it still confuses me a bit. When I think of something fading in the distance, I think of that something getting farther away. But I highly doubt that whomever is shooting these guns is running away from where Ida is, since she is indeed stationary at this point. It gives me sort of a funny picture in my head. Maybe instead of saying "faded in the distance", you could say that the gun shots lost their powerful bangs or that there was more time between shots. It'll still show that the war, or whatever is happening, is slowing down.
So after reading on, I've come to the conclusion that these gun shots were from some kind of training exercise, yes? Maybe try and make that a bit clearer because I was under the impression that there was a war going on. And then Ira just gets up and walks nonchalantly back to her house. No one would do that if a war was going on. So instead, maybe have her sitting there thinking about Taqeef and if he was faring well with the guns. That would also give her a reason to be staring into the water instead of just staring into it just to stare. Get what I'm saying? Give her a purpose for being at that pond.
She scanned the crowd, looking for Taqeef. Taqeef was an early riser and Ira was sure Taqeef would have gotten up pretty early that day.
You used Taqueef's name a lot in these two sentences. It's hard, especially writing in third person, I would know considering that's basically the only POV I write in, to balance the use of pronouns like he and she with the character's name. You don't want the reader to get confused and not know who the he/she is. But the good thing with your story so far is that there isn't another male character, so there shouldn't be anyone to mix up 'he' with just yet. You can easily replace a few Taqeefs here with the pronoun 'he'. I always make sure to use pronouns for a few paragraphs and then switch back to using names. It's a bit tricky to get the hang of, but after a while it'll become like second nature.
Alright, so to be completely honest, I'm totally confused. At the beginning I was under the impression that Ira and Taqeef were friends. But then Ira put that pistol to Taqeef's head and threatened to kill him if anyone did anything. Then they run away into the desert.
If all of this was planned from the beginning, which I feel like it was, I would've liked to see a little more foreshadowing about it. Like maybe have Ira thinking about the big event that was about to happen and how she and Taqeef were going to finally get out of the village to a better life or something. Then it wouldn't be so surprising when she holds the pistol to his forehead.
But grammar and plot aside, I think this was written very well. Ira seems like a strong girl, especially since she is living without both of her parents. That's become a bit cliche I think, but as long as you can make her situation different than all the other characters out there without parents then it's fine. Your voice as well is very strong. And by your voice, I mean the "narrator's". Since it's written in third person POV, there isn't a character that is talking, but rather a sort of narrator. That's the voice that I think is strong. There's a direction that this story is going in and you're doing a good job keeping on that track and building tension.
Alrighty then, onto the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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