z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Endless dreams (Chapter One)

by CatherinKanya


Ira stared into the deep blue waters of the pond that stood in the middle of the Taliban desert. The gun shots slowly faded in the distance. Ira looked down at her pistol that her mother had given to her years before she died in a shootout. She kept it inside her bag and got up to go back home. The sun was finally setting and even the talibans seemed to be heading back to their houses after some practice. Ira walked through the markets. The shops were closing for the day. She saw all the kids scurrying to their parents as the sky was getting darker and the air colder.

Taqeef came to Ira with his AK-47 and proudly gave it her. “I got this just today. Papa gave it to me as a gift. Look at it. Isn’t it just amazing?” Ira smiled and gave the rifle back to him. She continued walking while Taqeef raced to catch up with her. He started describing the design of the rifle and how it worked.

Taqeef was only fourteen but he was a strongly built boy who stood five feet eight inches tall. He barely knew what his life would be like growing up in Afghanistan, but the rifles and bullets didn’t seem to scare him or any of the kids. Ira was originally from Doncaster. She had been forced to move in with her mother in Afghanistan after her father died of cancer. Ira was only four years then. Though staying with her mother wouldn’t have been very different than staying alone in Doncaster after her father’s death, it surely had made her a stronger person. Ira’s mother had died in one of the Taliban shootouts when Ira was fifteen and that had not really affected her life as she didn’t really care about her mother. Ever since the death of her father, Mr.Davensgerb, Ira lost her interest in life but the only reason she was still alive and going was Taqeef. She somehow felt responsible for taking care of Taqeef and the thought of leaving him behind in this monstrous place was the only thing that scared her.

Ira waved at Taqeef and went inside her house. She looked out of the small window and saw Taqeef walking slowly and staring at the rifle in his hand. The AK-47 seemed to make him very happy. She made sure Taqeef made it to his house safely, and then went to bed which was a small mat spread on the bare ground. She switched off the lights and closed her eyes hoping to wake up the next day in don caster with her father sitting next to her and cuddling her in his warm arms.

***

You will find this helpful, someday and that day you will thank me.

Ira woke up. It was five a.m. It was bright already and the streets were busy with people. Ira got up from her mat, got her bag and took out the pistol. She pulled the trigger and let go, a bullet hit the ceiling hard and fell to the ground. She smiled and ran out of the house with her bag. She scanned the crowd, looking for Taqeef. Taqeef was an early riser and Ira was sure Taqeef would have gotten up pretty early that day. In the distance she spotted Taqeef's muscular body among a couple of ladies who were buying groceries for the day. She ran, pushing people away from her and finally stopped. The crowd seemed to be annoyed; they stared at her angrily like they usually did because they really didn’t seem to like her here. Ira slowly took the pistol in her hand and pointed it at Taqeef’s forehead. She caught hold of Taqeef’s hand and threw his AK-47. Though Taqeef was muscular and well built he didn’t seem to fight back. He stood without moving, and he seemed completely normal.

“Anyone try to do anything, I pull the trigger.” Ira's hands started to shiver but she tried to stay strong and calm. She frowned back at the crowd and took a few steps back.

Surprisingly the crowd of women remained silent and the men didn’t seem to show up. Now Ira was extremely scared. She didn’t want anyone to attack her and the fact that the men were missing was even more frightening. She looked around to see if anyone was going to attack her but everyone just stood there waiting for her to take the next step. Holding Taqeef tightly Ira ran as fast as she could dragging Taqeef’s heavy body along with her and making sure the gun was still in her hand. Eventually Taqeef started running along with her. Ira looked at him surprised. Then he outran her. He turned back and smiled at her. Ira not losing her speed looked around to see if anyone was following her. But nobody was. The crowd was hard to spot and Taqeef and Ira had already escaped from the village. The desert was clear and so was the sky. Ira’s mind was losing control. She wasn’t feeling confident anymore. She sprinted to catch up with Taqeef and stopped him.

“What are you doing?” She asked. Taqeef stood silently. He tried to say something but stopped himself. “Why are you running? Aren’t you angry? Why isn’t anybody reacting? You are not planning to kill me are you?”

“I loved that rifle.”

“Taqeef! What is wrong? Answer, please.”

“I knew this would happen one day and so did the others.”


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Sun May 25, 2014 12:36 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

I saw chapter 2 in the Green Room so I figured I'd stop by the first chapter so the next one will make sense!

The gun shots slowly faded in the distance.

This sentence sounded a bit strange to me when I first read it. And to be honest, it still confuses me a bit. When I think of something fading in the distance, I think of that something getting farther away. But I highly doubt that whomever is shooting these guns is running away from where Ida is, since she is indeed stationary at this point. It gives me sort of a funny picture in my head. Maybe instead of saying "faded in the distance", you could say that the gun shots lost their powerful bangs or that there was more time between shots. It'll still show that the war, or whatever is happening, is slowing down.

So after reading on, I've come to the conclusion that these gun shots were from some kind of training exercise, yes? Maybe try and make that a bit clearer because I was under the impression that there was a war going on. And then Ira just gets up and walks nonchalantly back to her house. No one would do that if a war was going on. So instead, maybe have her sitting there thinking about Taqeef and if he was faring well with the guns. That would also give her a reason to be staring into the water instead of just staring into it just to stare. Get what I'm saying? Give her a purpose for being at that pond.

She scanned the crowd, looking for Taqeef. Taqeef was an early riser and Ira was sure Taqeef would have gotten up pretty early that day.

You used Taqueef's name a lot in these two sentences. It's hard, especially writing in third person, I would know considering that's basically the only POV I write in, to balance the use of pronouns like he and she with the character's name. You don't want the reader to get confused and not know who the he/she is. But the good thing with your story so far is that there isn't another male character, so there shouldn't be anyone to mix up 'he' with just yet. You can easily replace a few Taqeefs here with the pronoun 'he'. I always make sure to use pronouns for a few paragraphs and then switch back to using names. It's a bit tricky to get the hang of, but after a while it'll become like second nature.

Alright, so to be completely honest, I'm totally confused. At the beginning I was under the impression that Ira and Taqeef were friends. But then Ira put that pistol to Taqeef's head and threatened to kill him if anyone did anything. Then they run away into the desert.

If all of this was planned from the beginning, which I feel like it was, I would've liked to see a little more foreshadowing about it. Like maybe have Ira thinking about the big event that was about to happen and how she and Taqeef were going to finally get out of the village to a better life or something. Then it wouldn't be so surprising when she holds the pistol to his forehead.

But grammar and plot aside, I think this was written very well. Ira seems like a strong girl, especially since she is living without both of her parents. That's become a bit cliche I think, but as long as you can make her situation different than all the other characters out there without parents then it's fine. Your voice as well is very strong. And by your voice, I mean the "narrator's". Since it's written in third person POV, there isn't a character that is talking, but rather a sort of narrator. That's the voice that I think is strong. There's a direction that this story is going in and you're doing a good job keeping on that track and building tension.

Alrighty then, onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sat Apr 19, 2014 2:28 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



I thought this was beautifully written and I liked the mystery behind it. The characters were believable, but they lacked a description. I can someone see Ira's traits, but they are still very unclear, which makes this somewhat confusing and makes it hard to connect with her. Mostly towards the end, I became very confused because everything was moving so quickly. I couldn't comprehend what was going on, because your slow pacing at the beginning changed instantly and without warning. Otherwise I thought it was very nice and I hope you continue, I can't wait to see more!






Thanks for the review. Well I will be describing the characters in different chapters as there is a lot to describe about them and they have a long and confusing past so I just wanted to keep from revealing everything in this chapter.



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Fri Apr 18, 2014 4:11 pm
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BlueSunset wrote a review...



It's nice, though you could add a bit more information the readers need to know. So far we get that Ira is a girl, but how old? Could you have explained what happened to her parents a bit more? There was a part where it talked about her mother, possibly some more information?

This chapter is pretty good in total. The length was nice and long, so I don't think you need to put a change to that. No spelling errors or punctuation errors either. I think this chapter is good enough to like, because there's only one thing that I needed to point out.

The idea is unique, the way I like it. Did you say this was your first novel? Impressive! I have to say I'm not a good novel writer myself. Yours, I think, are going to turn out great. You better keep on writing this.

Overall, I'd rate it probably about four and a half out of five, but maybe if you add more information, your rating will turn out to be five out of five!

I hoped my review helped!

Looking forward to reading your stories,

Sunset101






Thank you very muck. About the description of the characters, I thought I could describe the characters slowly in different chapters cause I don't want to reveal a lot in just one chapter and there is a very long story behind each and every character so I didn't want to break all the suspense in just the very first chapter. But I am glad you liked it.





*much




"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore