z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Blind - Chapter 12

by WillowPaw1


Mother or Father didn't hear me screaming when Jason pushed me, and the thought kept tugging at my head. Maybe they were in the backyard. I didn't hear them go out grocery shopping or clothes shopping. I wonder why.

One more week passed, and Sheila and Jason were out of school. I ignored Jason for the longest time, but at dinner one night Father asked me, "Why are you so quiet, lately, Ember?"

"Um," I said, and forced my head down.

Sheila spoke up for me, and she actually told the truth. "Jason scared her about a month ago. Hasn't been talking since."

When she said that I heard Jason grunt. I think he was looking at his lap too.

"You did what?" Mother said her voice rising. "Jason Andrews! Up to your room now!"

I noticed that Mother didn't say our last nameā€”his last name. Just his first and middle. That seemed kind of strange to me.

Later that evening Mother went up to talk to Jason. We never really got grounded. Jason and Sheila have, both about once or twice, but that was when they were younger. I wonder if Jason would get grounded now. He deserved it.

The next day, Father announced, "We're going to Disneyland tommorrow." Mother said, "We'll need to pack."

Sheila and Jason screamed and shouted excitedly, but my heart sunk. I hated rides.

I asked Father if he could get my suitcase for me. It had this rough texture to it that felt good. I randomly chose three t-shirts that were suitable for my comfort, some shorts, underwear, and sandals and sneakers. My suitcase was big, and there was a lot of room left. I threw in my toiletries.

Early in the morning we drove to the airport. My heart was thumping two times too loud the whole time, and when we approached our gate I felt as if I might be sick. I've never been on a plane before, but they have sounded awful. What if the plane crashes?

I tried to leave the thought away as the attendant at the gate said, "Gate 39 is boarding."


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Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:12 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Ah! Now you've mentioned the parents. I guess I just had to be more patient.

"Jason scared her about a month ago. Hasn't been talking since."

You just said it was a week after the push. Now it's a month...

Alright, well to be honest, I was a bit disappointed with this chapter.

It's nice how you add in the part with her parents and Jason being reprimanded. I think you should definitely keep her parents in the story. I know that they're there, but maybe you can try to have them do something in each chapter. It makes them seem like a "real" family. Not that they weren't real before, but you know what I mean.

And then all of the sudden, they're going on vacation. Why wasn't this mentioned before? Where was the foreshadowing where the parents slipped and said something about the trip? I guess they could just be really, really good at keeping a secret. And then all of the sudden they're at the airport and boarding the plane. But what about Mousse? Is he coming too? Can he come on the plane? Were people staring at her in the airport? These are all things that I'd love to find out answers to. Slow down and give us some more details. You've done a good job with that in previous chapters, but this one seems a bit rushed.

On to the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Thu Apr 17, 2014 1:21 am
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Em101cats wrote a review...



Oh my! That was unexpected. Again!

Hi, it's Em101cats here with a review that has a delayed intro... Oh well :P


First of all, I just want to say, I love the mention of Disneyland! Lots of times people are too afraid to put in actual real things from the real world. They think they would seem "uncreative," if that's a word. But the way I think of it, the more real things you put in there, the more connected your story is to the outside world, AKA the readers! And that's a great thing!


Love the suspense. Man, if there is one thing I love about chapters, it's gotta be suspense. And your stories always have tons! The best kind of suspense is the kind that leaves lots of questions to be answered in the next chapter or next chapters. And can you guess if you got that kind of suspense by this?: Will Ember be able to take Mousse with her? Will Ember be able to ride the rides? Will people make fun of her at Disneyland because of her blindness that makes her so different? What will happen or what has happened to Jason in the zone of punishment? Why in the world was Jason such a jerk? (Lol, that last question. I'm sorry... XD) And why does Ember's mom call Jason by his first and middle name instead of his first and last name? I think you can figure out now: You got the best kind of suspense!

Nothing more to say here, given that I didn't see any mistakes. Way to be improving so much, Willow! Keep up the good work!
~Em101cats~




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks Em! :)



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Wed Apr 16, 2014 3:18 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Okay so I'll admit, I'm a bit disappointed that Jason never got to say what he wanted to say whenever he knocked on Ember's door. I assume it was to apologize? Either way, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth (metaphorically), as if I'm missing something here. Did he seriously never attempt to apologize?! What a jerky brother.

Also, I find it really odd that Jason gets in trouble and, I assume, grounded and then they all go off to Disneyland? Doesn't seem like a very strong punishment. Also, I don't like that his mom never knows exactly what he did to Ember.

Make sure you're tying up all of these loose lines so the reader isn't confused and left in the dark, and also, so things are realistic and make sense.

But other than that, this is off to a good start! I like the steady pace of this, with the time line and the fact that they are going to Disneyland for the summer. I wonder how it will affect blind Ember? Will she be able to take her dog? How will the rides make her feel? Do let me know when you post more. :)

Hope that helps~




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks!

I'll add a punishment to Jason somehwere in there... xP




I like anchovies~ but nobody calls me that.
— alliyah