Young Writers Society

A very interesting concept here. Normally, it's a school of superheroes where a few of them end up becoming super villains. But here, it's reversed. The school of villains ends up churning out a few heroes as well as villains. I could easily see this being expanded upon in the form of a novel or book series. I do hope for a sequel to this.

Hey General, I thought I'd drop by to deliver a review.

First off, I feel this piece is an improvement compared to your earlier works. Good job on that. However, there's still room for improvement. You've already received a fairly comprehensive grammar review, but I'd like to stress that, if you're going to show this to a professor, you might want to spell-check it five times, then re-read it another ten. If I showed something like this to my literature professor, I'd probably be expelled from life (via punches). The grammar is really the most jarring element here, as it makes my enjoyment of this otherwise quite fine chapter rather more difficult. I will, however, forego critiquing it and focus on some other aspects.

Oh, a side note, I really liked the intro, how the hero is the one kicking the villain's ass, and we see the villain helpless. And on a broader, yet related -- albeit less relevant note -- do villains really call themselves such? And heroes, for that matter? I find it a bit silly, to be honest. They might style themselves as villains, but I doubt they truly consider themselves evil. I bet they think of themselves as classy, elegant gentlemen who aren't bothered by such silly things as laws or morals. But not villains, not villains. I'm willing to summon my suspension of disbelief and pretend such an organization could exist legally, but it would be very nice if you could mention something to shed light on that later on. This is less than relevant for the chapter at hand, however; maybe something to keep in mind for later.

I didn't like the middle chunk, where the main character describes her friends in great detail. I realize a way was needed to introduce them to the readers, however, I feel someone who is well-acquainted with an individual will not spend much time thinking about them. Perhaps a more indirect approach could be used, for example, have them perform actions, perhaps joke around, a casual jab. I don't know, for example, Abyss Knight could be 'casually tossing his greatsword around, and catching it with ease', and maybe have another guy punch him on the shoulder and joke around about him being 'a cocky bastard'. Or instead of telling us that the chick is the medic and strategic, she should be reading, say, a book on medicine, or I don't know, the Art of War. It's indirect, but the effect is much the same, and it also provides a more vivid and colorful narration.

I sat next to him and he immediately draped his arm around my body and I kissed him on the lips he moaned at the taste of my lips cherry red.

Hey there! Isha here for a review

Now, you've got a really neat piece here. I love the story line, and the female heroine, and all of that jazz, and I can't wait to read more of it. However, there's a lot that I wanted to talk about, grammar-wise. I hate quoting large chunks of material, but I'm going to quote your entire first piece here, to let you know what I'm talking about. All of my comments will be in bolded letters within the quote, and corrections will be underlined.

He held me by my neck and he stared into my eyes with a burning fury in his, he threw me across the room. This entire sentence makes no sense.

Everyone was gone. We were alone. I pushed myself to my feet, blood pouring from the gash on my arm. Here, I'd suggest starting a new sentence. Ray Bird was snapped and destroyed, laying on the ground not far from me. He slowly walked toward me in a predatory-like walk This is just plain awkward. I'd change 'in a predatory-like walk' to 'He stalked towards me'. It gets rid of unnecessary adjectives, and stalking towards someone implies that the walk is slow and predatory. knowing full well there was nothing I could do to fight back against him. I'd get rid of 'against him'. We know what you mean by the end of 'fight back,' so the rest just messes with the flow. He wound up his hand get rid of 'his hand.' Obviously, if he back-hands her, the thing he's winding up is going to be his hand. Don't add totally unnecessary details like that, because it messes up the flow and back hands me across the face, my body already at its limits.

"You said you would sooner die than become a Hero, and now, I'll put you out of your misery now here you already said 'and now' before, so you don't need to add it here," he said.

He slowly drew his sword from his sheath. comma-splice I try to crawl away, but I'm too weak. comma splice He raises the blade above his head. comma-splice I look to see in horror that I was going to die. comma-splice He plunged the sword down and my life flashed before my eyes.