Hey there Laure!
Yeah, it's your adoptive parent again! I am much liking this new-found title actually. Maybe I should add to my collection of adoptive children...
As for this chapter, it opens up a lot of mysterious and questions I am looking forwards to having answered. For example, what are the titles Keeper, Changer and Weaver all about? Was that woman Lady Glass? I am looking forwards to knowing more about her. You did also give us a very nice description of Fael and Sirce when it came to their appearance as well, which was something nice to have on there. It was a bit of a sudden point of view change, but I am okay with it. Just as long as you mention the people approaching are actually Sirce and Fael earlier so we know it isn't told from their point of view beforehand, and can adapt to it being someone else.
One thing I also wanted to have was a character description of whoever (I'm going to refer to her as Lady Glass) is! I feel like although it was handy to have that of the friends, it's also important to know what this mysterious lady looks like as well! All we have to go on is that standing up is difficult for her, which leads me to believe she is a bit elderly? I wonder what this plan is she seems to be following as well. Again, something I think I will find out more about in future chapters!
A bigger problem though is you and commas. Although sometimes you use them right, sometimes you use commas a replacement for a word that should be there, or join two sentences together that really shouldn't be. I know this can't apply to chapters you've already posted, but in future chapters and more writing you'll do, make sure you watch out for this! Reading it through out loud can show you where pauses are unnecessary, or necessary or just don't really fit. Now let's tackle some of these situations and other nitpicks...
She rubbed the petals of the black and white posy between her forefingers and her thumb, black and white was her winter colour.
I think this comma should really be this mark ; I have no clue what it's called
Tendrils of heat snaked up her cheek with alarming speed, she shifted her gaze from the candle and lifted up to the two youngsters she had awaited for many amoons.
I think a typo of adding an 'a' to moons was done here. Also, the comma here is an example of what I mentioned before. This is replaced a full stop. Really this should be two separate sentences because one is focus on the heat, and the other is about the candle and the youngsters coming. (Wait, does this mean she had been sitting in that shack waiting for them to approach for a few days? Because that would be weird D: Maybe say something like, the two youngsters she had awaited to meet for many moons? Because than it makes it clear she wasn't just in that shack... waiting... like a stalker O.O)
A weary sigh escaped her lips as she watched the pair took agonizing slow steps towards their hut.
I think you mean 'take' instead of 'took'.
The boy was a familiar sight to her, much like his grandfather the blood runs strong.
Hm, I wonder how she knows Fael's grandfather? More questions to be answered... As well as this, I think the comma was used wrongly. I would make it two separate sentences and word it a bit different. Like so: The boy was a familiar sight to her. He looked much like his grandfather which made it evident the family blood run strong.
as she took the girl’s flaming hair and inquisitive eyes.
I don't think she really takes the girls hair and eyes from her? xD I think you mean 'took in'.
she saw in those emerald gems, they was something not quite right.
I would remove the comma from here and correct a misspell. Something like: she saw in those emerald gems that there was something not quite right.
She kept her gaze as the pair finally turned the door knob and stepped inside.
Wait, where did she keep her gaze? To the ground, on the approaching couple or where?
Shock, confusion, and yes anger.
A comma is needed after the yes.
a flame within a flame that burns
Because this is all in past tense, the that should be 'burned' instead.
As to why I’m, you will see in time.”
I think you're missing the word 'here' after the I'm in this sentence.
We have our own names you know, is Sirce and Fael.”
I think you mean it's instead of is.
“As aforementioned, changer.”
Watch out! Make sure you keep consistent with the capitalization.
And finally for nitpicks, I am not going to quote a whole paragraph. But every time a new speaker speaks (as you've done all the times before this) make sure you start a new paragraph! For some reason its all jam packed into two paragraphs, but I don't know if that is you or just YWS acting weird like it does every now and again :/
I actually like Sirce more in this chapter, but there is no significant reason
Maybe it's because she hasn't really said much and we get to see her from a distance. As for everything else, I think you've done a good job. I get to see more of the setting here too, and unlike what Squall said, I did like the descriptions you used. Also, I really how you're describing Sirce, with her hair the colour of blazing fire and her eyes alight to match. (Ooh I figured out why I like her more!) You've described her as a very passionate, burning person, although perhaps a bit impulsive because of all this energy in her?I guess I will find out in the next chapter. Also, aside from the review... maybe I ask why you had the title change? I am just wondering?
Deanie x
I am happy to see another piece in 3rd person as I prefer it better than 1st. Anyway, that's beside the point! Excellent presentation. The only thing I was wondering, is why you text in the end, ended up as a whole block of text with know space between dialogue and what have you.
Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634
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