z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Blind - Chapter 10

by WillowPaw1


Several weeks passed. Once a day, Mother would teach me a little more Braille. I was getting good at reading it now, and I felt proud. Except whenever Mother told me I could leave, I would run right to Mousse and start training with him as well. He knew where my room was now. All I had to tell him was, "Go to my room, Mousse," and he could help guide me.

Elizabeth and Anna came over for my party—but it really wasn't the same as it was years before. We talked and Anna painted our nails, but that was about all. Our friendship was breaking, and it was clear to all three of us.

Sheila and Jason would come home at 3:00 p.m. every weekday. Sheila was feeling better now, and she played with Mousse a lot more.

"It's a perfect name for him, Ember," she said one day.

"Thanks." I mumble, then scratch under Mousse's ear. I hear him scratching, and I grin. He loved this spot.

"Well, I'll be doing homework. Last week of it, then school is out." Sheila said, patted my head, then she walked off.

I sighed. Jason always complained about homework: "I have too much!" or "This problem is so hard!" It didn't really sound like the best thing on earth.

Mother cut my school by a couple hours, since it was becoming summer soon. Summer was my favorite season, I loved the hot and humid air and the sun that shined everywhere. The one thing I hated was water. It scared me. The thought of drowning was creepy—lungs in your chest burning as you hold your last breath, then the water filling them, and there you are, dying slowly.

I've dreamed of drowning before. I didn't see anything, though. My chest hurt and when I inhaled I suddenly woke up, gasping. I think drowning is my worst fear.

"Mousse, to the backyard," I tested, but his feet didn't pad on the floor, so I knew he was still here.

"Uhh. Come on, Mousse," I said. I made my way to the backyard. I didn't go there often, so I tripped over a doll and stubbed my toe on a chair, but I made it to the glass door that led to the backyard. My hands fumbled for the handle, and I managed to open the door and step outside.

I took a big sniff of the air, and the smell of BBQ filled my nostrils. Someone was grilling, most likely the neighbors.

"Mmm," I said to myself, and Mousse agreed with a loud, quick bark. I giggled to myself, happy my dog agreed.

I walked across our lawn and plopped down on a soft patch of grass, wiggling my toes freely. I set my head on the ground, and raised my head so it pointed upwards. The mysterious, hot, color came to my eyes. I still wondered what it was called. I thought it was white, but maybe it was blue or green or yellow or purple.

I sighed, for about the tenth time that day. "Summer, I can't wait for you to come." I said, and Mousse whined softly. Maybe he understood me.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Fri Apr 25, 2014 12:12 am
View Likes
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

This is a nice little chapter. It seems like a filler chapter in the beginning, but then I found the real content later on. I like that you're continuing the relationship between Ember and Mousse. It's nice to see her build a relationship with this dog seeing as they're going to have to be really close and trust each other. And I can really see the child in Ember. She expects Mousse to just know where everything in her house is. But she'll have to train him for a while before he can really be a true, good, sight seeing dog.

There's really only one thing I have to say about this chapter, and about previous chapter too really. Whenever Ember goes outside or "looks" at the sun, she describes it as a hot color that comes to her eyes. But if she can't see colors, how does she know the color is there? Maybe you're trying to say that she knows the sun is a certain color and it's hot against her skin. In that case, I'd suggest writing it differently. Just say something about the heat on her skin that she knew came from the sun.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




WillowPaw1 says...


Thank you so much for the reviews!

(I didn't comment on all of them%u2014I was too lazy :P)



User avatar
55 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 55

Donate
Mon Apr 14, 2014 1:02 pm
View Likes
puppys3117 wrote a review...



HALLO! puppys3117 here again to review :P first of all I really liked this piece! its getting better and better every chapter! ^-^ (I say that every time don't I? XD)

Spelling: Iggy stole my thunder -.- so now its perfect!
Grammar: also perfect!
Suspence: not a whole lot, but the drowning thing did catch me off guard a bit.
Rating: (even though its the same as always) 5 stars and 10 out of 10.

Good work!
~puppys3117~




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks! I fixed the spelling ;)



User avatar
933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Donate
Mon Apr 14, 2014 4:30 am
View Likes
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello again!

As usual, some minor nitpicks:

One time a day Mother would help me with Braille and teach me it.


Awkward sentence is awkward. Consider a revise, an easier way to combine this. Perhaps: "Once a day, Mother would teach Braille to me, or help me if I was having trouble."

I've dreamed of drowning before. I didn't see anything, but I dreamed.


The repetition is unnecessary.

I didn't go there often, so I tripped over a doll and stubbed my toe on a chair


I don't*

I took a big sniff of the air, and BBQ filled my nostrils.


Make it clear that it's the smell of barbeque filling her nose, not the barbeque itself. Otherwise, I envision her with smoked meat packed into her nostril.

I giggled to myself, hapoy my dog agreed.


Happy*

wiggly my toes freely.


wiggling*


Okay, so my biggest nitpick with this is that you tend to reiterate useless things. Just be careful, and always reread your chapters so you avoid doing this. Also, make sure you're actively using a thesaurus so your synonyms vary and the story doesn't become repetitive or tedious.

Moving on, I'm glad that I finally know when she's going to school. I didn't realize that this was set towards the end of the school year, so it's gonna be a while (a whole summer) before she goes to school, yes?

I liked the little tidbit of Ember and her friends drifting apart. That makes me sad and pity the poor girl. On the plus side, she'll make new friends, and she has her dog, so she'll hopefully be okay.

You always end these so nicely. :) I love how you write Ember as a simple girl with a simple life. I'm looking forward to seeing more of Ember and her life! This is going good so far. ^^




WillowPaw1 says...


Ack I wrote that so fast! :P I'm ganna go fix those...




Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink