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Young Writers Society



Across Worlds - Chapter 3 Part 2

by Noelle


The three of them sat in silence as the bus rolled through the streets. It was a bumpy ride as the roads were made of a loose gravel and happened to be full of pot holes leading directly to the ground beneath. If she could free her hands once again, Akia could just mutter a few words and the streets would become paved.

No. She scolded herself. No magic outside of Lightport except in emergencies. Don’t blow your cover.

She almost blew her cover back in the city when she tackled the Hund Warrior. The magic was on the tip of her fingers, just itching to be used. But she had to restrain. No matter how much chaos she had caused today, bringing out her magic would’ve caused three times the chaos. It would’ve probably ruined the entire city.

So the only option she had was to tackle the guy. She had to do something to force him to leave the city. If he found the moonstar, things would’ve gotten increasingly more complicated.

He had found the moonstar though. After the man disappeared – something she was expecting; that’s the Hund warriors’ special power – Akia realized that he was after someone. For some reason she hadn’t noticed that there was someone specific from the beginning.

It was only when she heard her name from somewhere above that she noticed the moonstar. The moonstar was on the top of a building looking down at her. A boy was with her that Akia immediately noticed as Sam. Sam had grown up in Lightport with her. But he left on his thirteenth birthday to join the others protecting the moonstar in Agathi. They hadn’t seen each other since.

Where was Sam at this moment? Would he come to save her? Probably not. He had different orders than she did. His job was to protect the moonstar, not protect her. No. She was on her own.

Suddenly the bus hit a particularly large pot hole and bounced into the air. When it landed, the doors in the back snapped open because of the force. Akia tumbled to the floor, landing on her right shoulder, cursing in pain.

The sound of doors slamming came from the front of the bus. Akia guessed that the guards were getting out to evaluate the damage. Just as she was going to head out onto the road herself, a boy ran past the doors in a blur. Her heart pounded in anticipation.

She waited just a few seconds before taking the ropes off of her wrists and heading out of the bus. But as she did, there was a thud against the side of the bus and it shook. Whatever hit the bus let out a grunt of pain. It had to have been one of the guards or the boy that raced by.

“What the—” Bristan said, adding a string of cuss words after as he stumbled around the shaking bus. He fell into the wall, lost his balance and tumbled to the floor. Akia rolled her eyes and bent down to help him out.

Using the same spell that undid her ropes, she set him free. He looked at her with a gaze that was both shock and surprise. Akia didn’t have time to wait around for him. She released the ropes from Zeke’s wrists and raced outside. The scene she saw didn’t surprise her at all.

There was Sam, fighting off the two guards. And it seemed that he was winning; which was quite a feat. The guards from the Protection Force were not to be messed with. They had enough magic to overpower anyone in the town. Guards in the Force were given extra powers specifically for that reason.

Akia looked back at the bus long enough to see Bristan sprint away and Zeke hesitate. Zeke looked as if he couldn’t decide whether to stay or run. For some reason it frustrated her.

“Run,” she yelled at him. “Get outta here!”

Without another word, she turned and joined the fight. Now it was even; two for two. But the first time she launched an attack at one of the guards, he fell and didn’t get back up. She didn’t kill him, she could tell. He was only down for the count.

She heard Sam call out her name just in time for her to turn around. The other guard was pointing at her, sending a streak of blue light her way. At the last second, she conjured a shield that deflected the magic and sent it dispersing into the air around her.

Sam jumped on the man’s back as if he wanted a piggyback ride. It would’ve been funny if they weren’t in the middle of a fight.

The guard was flailing, trying to get Sam off his back. Akia took advantage. Once the guard’s chest was square with hers, she pushed against the air, sending the guard, and Sam, flying backward onto the pavement.

She rushed forward to help Sam up. Except for a few bruises on his arm and a cut on his cheek, he looked fine.

“Sorry about that,” she said, pulling him up onto his feet. “There wasn’t anything else I could do.”

“I understand,” he replied. “I would’ve done the same.” They stood in silence for a while, examining the scene. Akia pointed to the bus which was severely dented on the side.

“Was that from you?”

Sam laughed. “Yeah, I guess so. It didn't hurt as much as it looks like it would.”

Akia looked back at him and smiled. She suddenly pulled him into a tight embrace. They hadn’t seen each other for the longest time. She missed having him around.

“You holding up okay?”

“Yeah,” he said. “And you?”

“Yup.”

All was silent for a while. And then there came cries from the road behind them. It was only then that Akia realized that the guards would’ve called for backup. Of course the Protection Force would send more people. There were three criminals on the loose after all.

As if just remembering him, she turned to where Zeke last was. To her surprise, he was still standing there. There was no emotion on his face. He stood tall and still, staring at the guards making their way towards them.

“Ready for another fight?” Sam said, setting himself into a stance. He was ready to fight, but Akia really wasn’t. They needed to stop wasting time with the guards and make it back to the city. They needed to get the moonstar; they needed Falyn.

Just as the guards made it into their line of vision, they stopped dead in their tracks. Some were frozen in mid step, some with their feet and arms still raised.

Akia turned to Sam, a puzzled look on her face. But Sam didn’t share the same look. Instead, he looked alarmed; a terrified expression on his face. As Akia thought about it, she realized why he was looking that way.

“Falyn,” they said in unison, realizing what had happened.

“Something must be wrong where she is,” Akia said. “Why else would time stop? She's the only one who can.”

Sam shook his head. “I have no idea. But we need to get there. Quick. Can you—”

“Of course I can.” Akia grabbed Sam’s hand and closed her eyes. “Hold tight. Do you know where to find her?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Focus on that place.”

“Wait,” Zeke called out from behind them. “What’s going on?”

Akia turned. She looked at him in surprise. How was he still moving? Why wasn’t he frozen in time? The only possible explanation could be that he was like them. But he wasn’t; she was sure of it. Yet there he was, still moving around even though time had stopped.

“Take me with you,” he begged. “I don’t want to be here when they start coming again.” He pointed back at the pack of guards frozen in mid-attack.

Akia sighed. She knew that it would be dangerous to take Zeke with them. He wasn’t someone she knew or someone she recognized from Lightport. He really couldn’t be trusted.

But at the same time, she knew he was right. If she left him there, he would get overrun by the guards and get in more trouble than he was already in. And since he could resist the time-stop charm, he had to be like them; he had to be someone special. She couldn’t leave him behind.

She reached out her hand, palm up, inviting him along. “If there’s any funny business, I know at least twenty different ways to kill you.” Zeke nodded furiously as he took her hand.

“Right,” she said, turning to Sam. The look he gave her said he didn’t trust he decision. But she wasn’t going to go back on it now. She’d explain it to him later. “Think of where we’re going and I’ll pick up the waves.”

Sam nodded and closed his eyes. It took just a few minutes for Akia to pick up the image from him. It was of a beautiful house tucked away in a cul-de-sac. There was a brick path leading up to the front door. It was lined with beautiful purple flowers.

“Awesome,” Zeke said suddenly. “Let’s go.”

Before Akia could stop him, he squeezed her hand and they were all sucked up into the air.

--------------

For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,558


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Sat Feb 28, 2015 8:59 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let us see what we have here!

So I just realized the "moonstar" is a person. This confused me at first because if some sort of title is referring to a person, then it would be capitalized but for some reason it is not capitalized here. Why is that? Is she not a person? Does Akia find the moonstar to an object? In my opinion, I would capitalize moonstar but you may have something planned that I have no knowledge about. I feel like you need to make the sentences flow a little bit more better here with the buts(ha ha I said but). You need to delete the period in front of the but and then lowercase the but. Your variety of sentence structure is improving but I still don't see enough of complex sentences.

WAIT A SECOND! Is there a love web going on now? Is there something going on between Akia and Sam? HUH?? That last line where she squeezed her hand totally shows that she has some sort of interest in Sam. I need have some more character development and people dying before I can start shipping anyone. I can totally see this happening now(I can see what's happenin'! WHAT? And they don't have a clue! WHO? They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line. Our trio's down to two. Oh. The sweet caress of twilight. There's magic everywhere. And with all this romantic atmosphere. DISASTER'S IN THE AIR! Can you feel the love tonight...) I love the plot line of this and there are so many questions that I have about this story. Like WHAT she can stop time? That is so cool! I wonder how the moonstar will use that. The action scenes are amazing here. I can see the image play in my mind and I can see exactly what is happening in the novel even though I don't know things. You could almost accurately create the scene in this part of the chapter for a movie(with the exception of the characters because it is really hard to describe all the characters a lot but then still make the story interesting). I can't wait to read more! Keep calm and keep writing! :D




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Mon Sep 22, 2014 11:24 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hey, Noelle! I am here to review your story again... Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Over ten days... I'm sowwy, I'll catch up. Promise. (Warning, this may not contain that many critiques.) I am reading this as I review!

If only she could use magic... However, this paragraph shows us a bit more of her power. I mean, WHAT?! Akia can make bumpy pavements smooth!? Wow, that is one cool character. I really hope there is more of her view point after this. Her magic... can ruin an entire city? Just, wow. Whatever you do, do not kill her off, make anything bad happen to her, or turn her evil. That would bring terror down on your book. However... if you are an evil author, I guess you could do that...

I find "moonstar" an interesting name. The moon and stars are very special, and we sorta need them... Sorta like we need Falyn. We need the moon for the tides and the stars to light up the night. So... is that to say without Falyn something bad would happen? Would the world become lifeless, and less pretty. [insert something that the moon is good for and compare it to something.] So, we need Falyn and if anything bad happens to her... we lose a main character something terribly bad might happen to one of the worlds... (reading on) I think I'm right, the moonstar obviously is something worth protecting.

Spoiler! :
Another thing: I love the fact that it says,
...cursing in pain.
and
Bristan said, adding a string of cuss words...
That's one way to avoid cursing. :D


Oooh... is Zeke "one of them"? Another possible important character! I can't wait to find out more about him! (reading on) THERE BETTER BE NO FUNNY BUSINESS. If he ends up being a bad character... I swear... WAIT, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! Is he the "Z" in the "Zalyn" ship?! Like, please! I now seriously hope that he is the Z, and he doesn't turn evil. Or... will Falyn turn to the dark side for her "lover?"

Well, this is all I really have to say! Keep on writing! (Don't spoil anything else for me, please.)

~Rae,




Noelle says...


*fights the urge to give you spoilers* hehe, just kidding. I shall keep the spoilers to myself. Can't promise no spoilers will find their way onto the club wall though... ^_^

Here's a hint for you: My inner writer is a terribly evil person :3



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Wed Sep 03, 2014 2:12 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

So this was a very neat chapter, and it told me a lot of stuff. You have a way of writing that fills the reader in with a lot of information, but without making it an info dump. Sort of similar to Suzanne Collins and her style of giving you info - which is wonderful. It's really neat how Sam and Akia knew each other before today, and I think it really helped the story a lot? I think it would be wonderful to have something they can both relate to, and I wonder why they hadn't seen each other in so long. I mean, they are good friends and everything (if you consider the hug and whatnot), but they hadn't seen each other in years? What kind of friends is that? Unless... unless it was because of security purposes so their organization isn't known or something. Just be wondering. :P

If she could free her hands once again, Akia could just mutter a few words and the streets would become paved.


This makes it sound like it's impossible for her to free her hand again - and yet she just did it, mere moments before in the first part of the chapter. Reword it, perhaps?

He had found the moonstar though.


Comma after moonstar

something she was expecting; that’s the Hund warriors’ special power


I think when you can avoid using punctuation, do it. So in this case, the semi-colon kind of jars the entire sentence and brings it to a halt for a moment. Perhaps you could replace it with because or something similar?

There were three criminals on the loose after all.


Comma after loose, I believe.

The guard was flailing, trying to get S


You fell into passive voice with was flailing. Try sticking with active voice as much as possible. So, flailed would be the word to choose here, I think.

I finally realized that the man she was tackling in the street was not her friend - ally, whatever - and was out to get the moonstar. I take it this power or this star is something that Falyn holds inside of her, and is something yet to be released? She hasn't felt it yet, I don't think, but her power has finally become exposed to everyone else, so it must be surfacing soon. And I hope that Sam and Akia are there when it does. And does Akia know who Falyn is? I mean, in the earlier chapters, it seemed as though she knew absolutely nothing about Falyn and who she was, her name and whatnot, but in this chapter... This one she was calling her by name and making references to her that implied she knew her well. I wonder if she actually does know her well or if Sam has merely told her about Falyn. I guess next chapter will tell me! You leave your chapters just like you told me you did - a veritable cliffhanger being the ending for each. Meanie. I guess I must continue on to the next chapter if I am to know any more. More of this Akia, what her relation with Sam is (whether romantic or just bro's), where Falyn is, and what this other organization - the Hund Warriors - are and how they are trying to catch the moonstar.

Mainly, I am just really curious what the Moonstar means, and why Falyn was stuck with (or gifted) it. I shall read on!
~Darth Timmyjake




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Sun Jul 20, 2014 7:40 pm
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Okay! Now I'm starting to see who Akia is! I guess I just didn't realize that she was the girl who had tackled the guy from before. Now I understand why she's in the bus with the prisoners! Oh, by the way, I'm back again XD
Okay, so there were some major things that caught my attention that I didn't quite favor. First off was your flow, sentence flow that is. I hate bugging you about this >< It makes me feel like a bad person, but yeah. I get you're rushed for time considering... well, you're in the contest. But sentence flow definitely could use some fixing when you come back to this. (You must come back to this. I want to read this. I'm not happy you ended year of the scorpio :( )
Second off, this is more of a personal thing, was your story pace. I felt like this all happened a little too fast for me. I like action, yes, but I feel like there's so much happening that there hasn't been all that much space for plot development or character development for that matter.
Lastly would be your dialogue. It was awkward at moments. How to fix that? I honestly have no idea. I am awful when it comes to characters talking, but I'm sure you'll be able to smooth that over easily.
Now here's your time to look inside my mind as just a reader, not a reviewer. I always find this helpful, I don't know if you will, hopefully you do.
I feel like Falyn was a bit lost within the two parts of these chapters. I guess I should say, I feel like she was marked irrelevant. This focuses so much on Akia, which is good, but it kind of lost sight of Falyn who, I believe, is the main character of the story. That's just how I feel though.
I also wish I could get to know Akia a little more. Add more thoughts and stuff so that I can see just what kind of person she is. Help me predict what she's going to do next I guess. It's always fun trying to guess where the author's going with a story.
Zeke's presence confuses me. Like, I remember the vague idea of who he is, but he just isn't that memorable as a character which makes it hard for me to know who he is. That could be your motive of course, make him unnoticeable, but that makes things kinda hard for me as a reader and confuses me at times.
So the moonstar, Falyn in other words. What she is confuses me. It would seem that she has the ability to control time? But that can't be the only thing, right? I feel like this just raises more questions and doesn't have enough answers. Like, it doesn't have to completely answer all of the questions, but I do want some less vague clues to help me infer a bit more.
Oh goodness. It would seem I went all out with that. The second part you don't really have to listen to me, that's just what I want as a reader. But I feel the first part is a little necessary. I hope you found this review helpful!
Sushi :D




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 3:11 am
Messenger wrote a review...



i'm back again. Ya know, I just saw that if I review all of your currently posted chapters, it'll put me at 550 reviews which is my next blue star. *Mission Accepted* So let's get going!

well, i feel this action sequence fell short of the first one. something about it was dead. There wasn't much emotion or intensity to the battle, which I would expect there to be a lot of, especially since it was a magic battle. Also, I'd like it if you could explain the magic shooting stuff more then just "b/green light. That really doesn't tell us a whole lot. Also, when Akia does that force push thingy, you said she was aimed directly at the guard's chest. Wouldn't that mean that she could shoot a magic bolt right into him? After all, Sam was on his back, so he more than likely wouldn't have been hurt.

And to be honest, I was a little confused at the whole bus-getting hit scene, and how Zeke and Bristan ended up being tied up. Did Sam do it? I thought he hit the bus. but why is he here? I thought he was taking Falyn to safety, but there is no way he could have done that, AND get back to this part of town so quickly.

One last quick note: I really, really like your names, especially Bristan and Falyn. Too bad Bristan seems like side character, because the name is totally awesome.

~Messenger




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Mon Jun 02, 2014 4:00 pm
Alchemist wrote a review...



Hello!

I'm kinda wandering: if they are the mage nation, the other being Seer, why is magic so exclusive? Why can't she use magic outside of the Lightport? Now it seems to me like only few are actually able to be mages.

Wasn't the Hund Warrior the one who caused chaos at the market, not Akia? I'm not sure if I misunderstood something.

It's great that we learned more about their powers, I guess every mage has his own power, other than usual ones? And im intrigued by the fact that the guards were "given" the magic."

I think Laure gave a really good review, though it is too harsh in my opinion, I'd agree on everything she said partly. Well...she talked about Zekke-related things alot, I don't think you need to change anything, but rather add a little bit more insgight, or rephrase some things, like when he "begged", or that "awesome".

Interesting one again, another character added, more about the magic revealed. You did a good job on expanding the storyline!

-Alchemist




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:11 pm
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Oh, wow. I'm starting to pick up more of the story. Falyn is something special, but it seems she doesn't know. And Lightport. I think it's a special place for people to help the moonstar? Oh, and I love Zeke's character. I"m learning a bit more, but still have questions as a reader. You're doing great with this! As usual, I didn't see any grammatical errors, everything was edited well. Do you do your own editing, or do you have a friend do it? Either way, whoever does it is good at it. The words are descriptive, but you don't get too wordy. The plot is moving along quickly, which I love. It's sometimes hard to get it moving, but you did well. Keep writing!




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Thu Apr 24, 2014 7:21 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Noelle!

More and more of this is starting to piece together, and I have to say I am loving every minute of it! I think Zeke's character is really awesome. I'm a bit confused as to why Sam would leave Flalyn, but I guess if a good friend is in danger it's an acceptable reason. It's interesting to see how Flalyn has the power to stop time, and only a certain few can oppose it. I am also curious to see what surprises Zeke holds! He was even able to pick up on the image that Sam was creating for Akia...

This is going to be a pretty short review because honestly these isn't much to add here. There are things I know it isn't the moment to hear a lot of detail or explanation for, but will have that coming for us later on. I would like a bit more spontaneity when it comes to the use of their powers though. It just seems a little bland to me because there is no sudden awe in the moment, or feeling so the reader can process that the powers are a good strength of theirs. What I do like about the powers is that they are restricted... no running rampage and in future we can still be in for some surprises too because they won't exhibit all their powers at once.

Where was Sam at this moment? Would he come to save her?


More so, does she need protecting? From the earlier part of the chapter she could release herself and strike fear in one of the guards as well. It seems like she could be letting herself out of that van anytime, and I thought she was simply staying because she actually wanted to be at the vans destination. Maybe you should tweak the first chapter so she feels more tense, anxious and unhappy of where there going. Then it seems more like she actually wants to get away. Also, if you think of a few reasons why she can't escape and make her run through them, it gives us more of the feeling that she is trapped as well, despite her powers.

Other than those few points, keep up the great writing :) I loved the fighting scene because it was so easy to follow. I didn't get lost in all the individual moves and it who doesn't like an action scene? I should keep reading and see what meddle Flayln has gotten into now...

Deanie x




Deanie says...


*For some reason I was thinking Fayln was Flayln...



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Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:23 am
Laure wrote a review...



Hai, said I would be back! It is I, once again here to review your part two. So, this time I'm going to start with the technical things and then tell you an overall impression which will include things I liked about thus part.

So, my biggest problem with this part is the lack of logic or explanation on some of these actions. I noticed that you tend to omit explanations and jump to action, or omit the process or jump to the result. Like how Akia got off the bus and was suddenly confronted with Protection force guards and Sam? o.o Didn't a moment ago, Akia was thinking about how Sam wouldn't be here? Also, what is a pothole? Shouldn't there be some clue as to why the protection guards are here. Wait, and then Britain fell over and Akia used the same spell to set him free. But Britain isn't bind though. Also, shouldn't Akia be wondering what was going on. I mean the whole incident with the bus was so brief I only got the vaguest sense of what ws happening. It was almost as if you were in a rush and didn't finish writing it.

As if just remembering him, she turned to where Zeke last was.
Ok, I was a bit confused here. Because you didn't mention Akia noticing Zeke earlier, also how did she know where Zeke was.

“Take me with you,” he begged. “I don’t want to be here when they start coming again.” He pointed back at the pack of guards frozen in mid-attack.
So, Zeke is meant to capture Akia, and now he has resort to begging to go with them to I-don't-know-where? Also, why would he be afraid of the guards, isn't he a guard himself? On Akia's part, I still think you could expand her thoughts more. I don't think she would just let Zeke come along willingly even though if he were able to resist the charm. What if he was someone dangerous? Also, if Zeke was paired with Britain, wouldn't they at least have some kind of bond? Or is Zeke the selfish type to leave his comrade behind and run for his life?

“Awesome,” Zeke said suddenly. “Let’s go.”
-> Well, that escalated quickly. Noelle, you have to slow down and let the situation unfold. He was begging for his life to go with them, and then the next he's jumping up and down like an excited kid. I mean, just what?

O_O

adding a string of cuss words
Cuss words, I think you can do better than that, knowing you. How about profanities?

Overall impression: So, I'd say your strength is to create action and keep it moving, you also have as steady hand when it comes up handing out unpredictable things and foreshadowing a greater picture. However, your weaknesses are that you don't use much imagery and you don't exactly go deep into your characters. So, all we are getting now is just the surface and not their inside thoughts (I know these will probably develop as we go along, but you can add in some characterization here and there.) You also tend to rush situations so it appears there are logical gaps in between. Though, I think you know where you're going because I can see it through the steady actions but you just need to develop and go in-depth more into your characters and setting.

(Hope I wasn't too harsh! >.<)

~Laure




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Fri Apr 18, 2014 2:16 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



I'm back! :-D


I enjoyed this second part quite a lot.
This was my favorite sentence:

"Think of where we're going and I'll pick up the waves."


I like that! XD

"Take me with you," he begged. "I don't want to be here when they start coming again." He pointed back at the pack of guards frozen in mid-attack.


Just ignore the bolded part for a moment- Why would Zeke be concerned, if he can transport too? Unless he wants to see what their up to, and he doesn't know where they're going... so he wanted to hitch a ride, and in the process gets excited and takes them there himself, once he sees what they see? That makes sense, if that's what you meant.

-OK, back to the bold; 'frozen in mid-attack', I think it would sound smoother if you took out the 'in' and left it 'frozen mid-attack'. Read it in the full sentence like that, and see what you think.

The look he gave her said he didn't trust he decision.


The bolded 'he' you must have meant to put a 'the' or 'her'. :-P

So one thing I've noticed; you don't use a whole lot of imagery ( honestly that's my fault in writing as well ). Some things your readers might want to know is what the guards are wearing, what the transport van is like- I know I've seen a few prisoner transport vans, and they're basically like a really wide, tough, ambulance with no windows in the back part, and SHERRIF written in big, bold words on all sides of the thing. Another thing I'd like to know is how it looks out side, are there any smells to note? Is Akia hurting anywhere after that battle? Surely she didn't walk away un-injured?

Anyway, now we might have a bit of tension, eh? Akia and Sam seem to have quite a good friendship, if not more...? And how will Falyn deal with that? They could just be really good friends, but still, will Falyn be jealous of that?

I shall find out, I suppose. :-D

-Socks





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