Young Writers Society

Hi there! I'm here to rescue your work from the green room!

I like the images. They're vague enough to let the reader fill in the blanks, but we get nice little pops of color from the glass and the crystal chandelier.

As rhyming poems go, the rhyme scheme wasn't too bad, either. I usually hate rhyming poems, but this one was palatable.

That being said, there are some improvements you could make. I think you should fit more into the lines. The lines are short, and you can feel free to add more description than you have already.

Watch your repetition. I know that you did it intentionally, but the repetition of "four walls" and what they've seen sometimes became a little too much.

If I were you, I'd consider turning this into a villanelle. Here's how the form goes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villanelle. I think that would be great considering you obviously know how to rhyme well, and repetition seems to be a key in this piece. A villanelle incorporates both of those things to the highest degree of effect. Think about doing that.

I feel like this poem needs a little more emotion in it. The language is a little plain-- perhaps you can find more vivid words to describe this moment of pure joy. He weeps, but we don't see how hard it hits him. You tell us that he's crying. Make sure you're showing, and not telling. My suggestion here is to add simile and metaphor to the poem. Similes and metaphors do not belong in every poem, but they are a good place for departure.

This poem's content is obviously fictional, but it doesn't feel quite real to me. Like an actor that isn't completely committed to his part, this poem feels like the character is a shell of himself, the plastic groom on top of the cake instead of the real one, if you will. You can fix this by adding a bit more emotion and imagery, as stated before, but I'm just telling you that it doesn't quite feel real.

Overall, you did a nice job with the rhyme scheme and the little images you put in. Now it's time to add more emotion and reality! Good luck, and keep writing!

Hello there! Shiney's here to review!

First Impressions

I was pleasantly surprised by route this poem took. A sanctuary can be different things to different people, but I like how you are actually focusing on the traditional sanctuary in this poem. The first stanza gives the reader and adequate sense of place without giving up too much early on. Its wording is pretty simple, which I view as a good thing for the type of poem this is.

The Poem

I love the different scenes in this poem. Weddings are common occurrences in sanctuaries, and the imagery of the bride and groom was good. I like how you added the bit with the stained glass windows, which is common in Christian churches. It reminded me of my church, even

Through the hued glass,
dances a colorful light,
for a once-dead soul
has been brought back to life.

"Thank you," he praises.
"I'm alive, I am free."
Oh, the things
these four walls have seen!