z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Endless Descent [Part 3]

by Tenyo


Don't critique me! I'm being edited. If you want to read then ask my author to PM you when the updated version is up. Thankyou =]

It felt strange to walk. Every time he sped up his pace she grew breathless, that asthmatic rattle echoing in her breath. Not that he didn't have some faint strain of compassion towards her, but she would be gone soon, and the less damage she did while she was here the better.

He had is own life to sustain and image to uphold. Lan seemed to be acting like she was going to be here a while. There was a cat like quality to her- how easily she wandered through the door and how quickly she fell into routine, like how stray cats settle on the porch of whoever gives them food. Something unrestrained, and in his eyes, feral. 'Here', he handed her back the bread once they'd reached a steady pace. 'You're too skinny.'

'Thanks,' she replied with a hint of sarcasm. 'So, Luci? Is that a common name around here?'

'It's Luke. I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone.'

'I'd appreciate it if you slowed down.'

'Not my fault we're late.'

'You woke up ten minutes ago.'

'I wouldn't have overslept if someone hadn't kept me awake half the night.' He stared at her sharply and she held her tongue well enough. He'd give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she didn't know he could hear her pacing up and down, repeating old verses to herself like ghostly incantations, but any idiot would have known that old house creaked and groaned like an old man's bones. He softened his tone. 'And I mean about anything.'

'What? That I'm staying with two strange guys in the middle of nowhere? It never even crossed my mind.' 'Good. You could appreciate Lan more too, instead of just calling him some strange guy.'

What fragment of regret there was in her face was quickly drowned by frustration. 'Are you going to be doing this every morning?'

'It's only until your mum finds a new place, right?

She sighed heavily. Beneath their feet the dry, dirt path crunched. The more he thought about how much he wanted to run instead of walk the more his mind tied in a knot. If he didn't run, he wouldn't tire out, and somewhere in his adolescent mind was the casual notion that any change to his routine would cause the world to crumble.

When they neared the bus stop he picked up his pace and she took her cue to fall behind so that it would look like they'd walked separately.

Rumours spread like wildfire in a small town. Last time there was a boy and girl who stayed out one Friday night and slept in the field by Bakers Hill. They could have been hugging trees and making daisy chains for all that town knew, but by the time Monday morning came around the story went that she was knocked up and he was being sent off to pursue a career in priesthood. She never got plump and he stuck around, but legends never die even when disproved.

Sammy stood at the bus stop when he arrived, long blond hair in pigtails and a smile like the sunlight.

Some people are morning-people, and tend to function best in the hours that he functioned worst. Early birds, who wake at sunrise and get on with the day. Then, there was Sammy, child of the sun. She had an endless supply of light and energy, and an endless supply of words to go with it.

'Hey Luke! Who's that?' She pointed up the road. Luci glanced behind as if he hadn't noticed and shrugged.

'I don't know, she must have walked down the same way as me.'

Sammy grinned and ran straight passed him to greet Mele, who flinched back a little. 'Hi! You're new! Who are you? Have you been here long?'

Mele looked to Luci, who smirked. 'Nice to meet you.'

'This is Luke, he's really cool, not one for too many words. Total flirt. What's your name?'

'Mele.'

'Mele! That's a nice name. I've never met anyone with that name before. Come on I'll introduce you.'

Luci couldn't help but take some glee in watching how overwhelmed the sharp tongued stranger had become. Sammy went round the group one by one, showing everyone with the same repetition. 'This is Deanie, Deanie this is Mele! And this is Anakin, Anakin, this is Mele!'

Anakin scratched the back of his head awkwardly. 'I don't usually take the bus route. My pod broke down.'

'Oh, and this is Valeo, Valeo this is Mele!'

Valeo looked to Luci and they both laughed in unison.

'Then there's those guys, they're at the college and are older so they don't talk to us much. The bus should be here soon. You don't talk much do you.'

'Sammy, take a breath,' Valeo said. 'Give the girl some room.'

'I'm making her feel welcome! Do you feel welcome? I hope so! It's a small town and we're all friends here so you'll fit in pretty quick, right! By the way, is that your natural hair colour? I want to cut my hair but-'

'Blimey.' Valeo pushed his way in between to separate the girls. 'Give 'er some space, kid.' He was tall and lean, with darker skin, a bluish tint to his hair, and a strange glint in his eyes. She fell suddenly still and tilted her head. Luci knew that stare all too well. He'd done the same thing. That glint had caught him like a hook through the skin.

There was war in those eyes. Black clouds that billowed up from the earth and blood that rained from the skies. Flaming earth, steel and flesh melding into one, angels buried beneath the dust and mighty kingdoms brought to ruin.

Luci saw it even if he couldn't name it. Now Mele saw it too.

'I think you and I will get along,' Valeo smiled- a hearty, full, white-toothed smile, and the bright light of morning woke them up again. From the distance came the rattle and thump of the old bus. 'Try to get here earlier next time, you almost missed it.'

'I... My alarm clock overslept.'

Valeo laughed. 'That's a funny way to phrase it.'

The bus was a rusty yellow bucket with wheels and windows, with random colours smeared over where the paint and coating started to wear, resulting in something that might have looked more like a hippy bus from the colours era than a modern transportation vehicle. It still ran on Gengik fuel, which meant that every once in a while the engine sent out one giant puff of purple smoke in the same way that a horse would dump on the road.

Younger kids were first on the bus, scrambling over each other to get the best seats even though none of them ventures too far back. The highschoolers- Luci, Dean, Sammy (just about) filed in next. The hurry to get on the bus was instinctive, and what seemed to separate the adults, was the slow walk up the steps. The slower they walked, the more they were revered, with the two men who worked in town waiting until the other had already made it into the bus before the other stepped on. Last was Valeo, who did a quick skip up and stayed at the front to talk to the driver.

Few of the students knew his name, they all called him Busman even in passing on the street. He carried the title proudly.

'Someone give me their maths book, I need the answers!' One of the Juniors shouted.

'Is that because you couldn't do them or couldn't be bothered?'

'Does it matter? Just give me the book!'

'Pass it back here!' Deanie yelled. 'I'll do it for you.'

The Junior looked backwards, about to fall for the trick when someone else smacked him on the head. The boys at the back laughed.

'Oh, Luke!' Deanie punched his arm to get his attention. 'Dad said the part will take a couple of days to come through, but we'll have the laptop fixed by the end of the week. No extra charge.'

'Soon as you can. Then he'll stop knocking on my door to check his emails.' 'Mhm. I'm sure there's a lot on your hard drive you wouldn't want him stumbling across.'

'What do you mean?'

Deanie winked.

'You pervert.'

Mele turned around in her seat suddenly. 'What was that?'

'What?' Sammy knelt on her chair and tried to peer passed them.

'I thought I saw a flash of something.'

Luci glanced back briefly.

'Maybe it's Greenwood's ghost.' Deanie said.

'Deanie don't. He doesn't like to talk about it,' Sammy glanced back at Luci, but in a way that was natural and only natural to her, she leant in towards Mele and the words rolled from her tongue like a tumbling dice. 'Did you hear about the kid who got murdered?'


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933 Reviews


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Reviews: 933

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Mon Apr 14, 2014 3:10 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Ten! :)

Some minor nitpicks:

He had is own life to sustain and image to uphold.


He had his*

Lan seemed to be acting like she was going to be here a while.


Okay, so I'm pretty sure it's Luci walking with her, not Lan, so dropping this here, of all places, makes the reader confused. Consider moving it somewhere else, where it won't make the reader confused as to which male is which. (also see *)

'What? That I'm staying with two strange guys in the middle of nowhere? It never even crossed my mind.' 'Good. You could appreciate Lan more too, instead of just calling him some strange guy.'


Separate the dialogue since seperate people are talking.

Beneath their feet the dry, dirt path crunched.


Unnecessary comma in unnecessary.

You don't talk much do you.'


Should end with a question mark.



* My only nitpick is: I think you should use names in the first paragraph. There's two men in the story, so it's hard to know which one you're talking about at first, so if you just make it more clear from the getgo, then we're less confused than we are now.

Okay, and wow, that ending! I'm a sucker for a good, suspenseful cliffhanger, and you nailed that one, so that's good. I'll definitely be back for more. :)

But seriously, I love the growing relationship between these two. I like how Luci and Mele already dislike each other, and I can't wait to see how they develop and grow as the story grows. I like the teenagery feel you captured, with the environment of the bus and the kids being as they are. This entire chapter flowed smoothly and felt realistic, like something I could see myself in. Perhaps as a student amongst them, listening to the yelling and demands to copy someone's homework and giggling as someone filled the new girl in on the town's famous ghost story.

And I like the buildup, the suspense of this Valeo and his intense eyes. It makes me thirsty to know more about him and why his eyes look as they do. I do hope you've got something good planned with him. ;D

Overall, very good so far! I can't wait to read more!




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Sun Apr 13, 2014 9:39 am
PiesAreSquared wrote a review...



Now, tenny. Pieses here for saging!! If you're late can't I be late too? :p just kidding! On with the review.

I'm just going to slack on you again and not praise this work. Hope you like my negativity. Don't take anything amiss this I think is your best chapter yet!!


Every time he sped up his pace she grew breathless, that asthmatic rattle echoing in her breath.


I sense a deeply hid repetition. The rattle echoes? Why not just rattling, or is that tattling?


He had is own life to sustain and image to uphold. Lan seemed to be acting like she was going to be here a while. There was a cat like quality to her- how easily she wandered through the door and how quickly she fell into routine, like how stray cats settle on the porch of whoever gives them food. Something unrestrained, and in his eyes, feral. 'Here', he handed her back the bread once they'd reached a steady pace. 'You're too skinny.'

I smell the dark scent of word wars. The start of this paragraph is a whirlwind of jumpidity-rubberiness. What is this life and image he wants to keep? I know there is a focus on the gurl, but why not demonstrate how this girl could destroy said image? In his view. His fears, aspirations, stuff. Expose the adipose!

'Thanks,' she replied with a hint of sarcasm. 'So, Luci? Is that a common name around here?'

No mention of how she might have paused longer than needed before saying Luci? I mean, it's good and all but meh, you're the best writer in the universe! You can do better!

I do like the comparison with a feral cat right before him giving her the loaf. (Read in a negative voice for additional points)

I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone.'


Sometimes I like ambiguity, and sometimes I hate repetition, but this is one of those cases where I'm...I need certainty, even if it is repetitive. Don't tell anyone...what?


He stared at her sharply

Adverb overuse.

He'd give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she didn't know he could hear her pacing up and down, repeating old verses to herself like ghostly incantations, but any idiot would have known that old house creaked and groaned like an old man's bones.


Let's just say I died of oxygen deprivation here.

Then I came back as a vampire to scold.


What fragment of regret there was in her face

I think you need to show regret getting to her in the first place.


Beneath their feet the dry, dirt path crunched.


Bad descriptators.

If you're going to use dirt instead of dirty, then the comma after dry is obsolete. As am I.


When they neared the bus stop he picked up his pace and she took her cue to fall behind

Wait. She planned the act? Whose cue is it?


Sammy stood at the bus stop when he arrived, long blond hair in pigtails and a smile like the sunlight.

I was not aware that Luke got so much respect that Sammy would stand on his arrival. Sorry about my sarcasm. I'm in the mood.


This is Deanie, Deanie this is Mele! And this is Anakin, Anakin, this is Mele!'


@Deanie let's plot vengeance. Skywalker is dead sweetie. Don't dishonor his name! Nah nice cameo. Are you using the novel or movie version?


I like the cliffhanger ending. Or did I read correctly? Yes cliffhanger! I love cliffhangers. This week is the week of cliffhanger.

Alright since I don't want to be repetitive I will end m review on a positive [sic] note.

I love your dialogue. Like. Love it!!!!!

Keep writing!





"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
— Martin Luther King Jr.