Young Writers Society

Hiya Confused!

First things first, massive apologies; I adopted this novel ten thousand decades ago and am just now getting to reviewing it! D: I'm truly an awful adoptive novel parent. However! I am here now, and hope to make quick work of catching up with my reviews for you. <3

Before anything else, I want to just take a moment to say how excellent your prose is. The writing is clear and tight, and there were few points in the writing that I didn't understand how something was described or had to strain to picture something. Having a good handle of the written word is the first step in being an awesome storyteller!

Now onto that other stuff~

The First Chapter
This might be my biggest critique of this piece thus far. So you know how all the writing advice in the world tells you to start as close to the beginning of the actual plot of a story as possible (rather than waste time in backstory/watching the characters wander around until they finally start to do something)? Well, I think you need to start a little farther back from the start of the story.

As a reader, I come into this chapter - or, more like, this scene - and spent the entirety of it racing to catch up with what's happening. We get some explanation here and there about a war, about Nidara being prisoner, and Keed somehow being on Nidara's side then betraying her then being on her side again? But it's just not enough to ground the reader in the story. Instead we're left here trying to figure out what exactly is going on, what's already happened, etc. I'm not even sure I can say what's happening at this moment in the story aside from Nidara and Keed having a pretty cryptic conversation.

My best advice would be to pull back a little further in the timeline of the story. Maybe we start with Nidara in her chambers, or somewhere on her own, and can be introduced to the things she's gone through via her own introspection. Then when Keed appears there is more room for the narration to fill in the reader on their relationship, that they were once friends and he betrayed her. Regardless of where the story starts, though, we definitely need more backstory worked in to better explain what has happened to result in the situation at hand.

Characters
I totally adore all your naming in this story so far, they're all so lovely! I'm terrible at naming characters and places, especially in a fantasy type setting. So I really enjoy reading things by people who are good at names.

All my complaints about characters, I think, have something to do with my previous point. I just don't feel like I get a good enough sense of who these people are at the start of the story. Now, we don't need to know everything about them, but I'm not sure I could give a solid answer to who these people are other than Princess and Servant/Betrayer. After the first chapter, readers should be able to at least give two or three simple adjectives to describe a character or their personality. Attaching a reader to characters is one of the best ways to hook them in the first chapter!

Setting
My complaints with this one definitely go with my initial concerns about this chapter. I'm not sure I can say at all what this world looks like, let alone what the setting of this scene is. Aside from "standing at a railing outside" I can't say what else anything looks like. I wouldn't recommend giving super extensive or specific description of how the world looks (there is a thing as too much!) but especially if this is a fantasy story, we need something to let us picture what this place looks like. Otherwise we just have people floating in space and what fun is that?

All in all, I think you have an excellent foundation to work with here. The only real issue is that the story has so far is that this chapter feels like it should be happening much later in the story (as if we've already been introduced to the plot, setting, characters, etc) rather than right at the beginning. Lead us into the world, plot, and characters better and you'll have a really solid beginning!

Keep writing, and I hope to get to the next chapters soon! Thanks for sharing!

-Lauren-

Hola ConfusedGlasses!

I absolutely love it! I like that you added some mystery, I am eager to read the next chapters. I could find no flaws in this one. I can't figure out what they are now, my best guess is people with mutual need. I'm not exactly sure though. As I said, I am more than eager to read the next chapters, so I shall not dally too long on this one.

~Kelpies

Hi there! You've got plenty of reviews down there, and I don't think I've found anything to complain about, so if you are not interested in the praise you can absolutely skip this.

So, it was really easy to read, which is great. Some phrases you use are unusuall and felt nice. The names you use are awesome, I think having a good name really helps up with a fantasy story.

It is a nice opening overall. You gave us some insight, into the happenings of the world. One personal relationship too, great. And Nidara really seems like an atractive woman.

Great chapter, will read more!

Hiya, it is your local Messenger for a brief review! just here for quick nitpicks!

His calm features contorted into a frown. "So, it is," he said, "that you hate me."

It was obvious that she had weighed her options in a matter of seconds inside her eighteen year-old head. The sign of a true queen, he thought.

Hey Confused!

So, I was planning on giving some thoughts on this last night, but I suddenly got pulled away. Tonight, I struggled finding this again as I forgot its name, but nonetheless I found it. And what do you know? I found it pretty good and interesting.

I'm really enjoying the plot you have going so far and I'm even more intrigued by the background story you write along with it.

The relationship between these two character is definately the best thing about the piece. You hint at enough backstory and you write their back and forth through dialogue very well. They can both be developed into very good, interesting and engaging characters. The introduction to their characters and their backstory could use some changes though, as certain (especially one thing) aspects of it doesn't flow too well. But I'll get back to this.

One thing I would almost demand of you, is more descriptions. This is quite a small scene, but I pretty much have to visualize everything myself. I can't picture it.

Now, in addition to this, I'd obviously need some descriptions of the characters themselves. I have no idea what they look like at the moment. Nidara might be wearing a yellow dress, but she could be well into her 50s for all I know.

Another thing I noticed fairly early, is that you use expositions a bit too much. There are several places where your writing comes off as info dumps rather than storytelling that flows naturally.

Obviously, you need the information in there at some point, but try connecting it further with the dialogue and the way the plot progresses.

Lastly, I thought the names you came up with for these characters are pretty neat.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

But, up close, anyone

She heard footsteps behind her. She did not want to turn and greet the person. She knew who it was.

Why did he not annihilate her when he had the chance?

She had an empire to run.

"Would you humor me by taking the drink?"

We cannot escape that fact,"

She knew him.

She looked at him through the corner of her eye.

"What you say is true..." he muttered, almost inaudibly.

"However, I am more than willing to make amends

Suddenly, she was taken back to the days when there was nothing to fear.

She turned away from him,

Her voice became lower,

There were thousands of such people in the rehabilitation camps as they spoke.

"I think it has something to do with the sight of you in pain."

by the railings of the huge balcony. and some cottages

RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Okay, I'll be honest, whenever I'm asked to review short stories, I check first to see how long it is. After seeing yours, I was like, "No. Tomorrow, maybe." Then I read the opening, and I was hooked. I had to know what was happening! At first it was a little slow and a little predictable, but you picked it up really soon so no worries there.
No huge grammatical errors, so you're fine there.
I LOVE THE BACKSTORY BITS. I LOVE THEM. I WANT TO TAKE THEM HOME AND CODDLE THEM.
I love the peeks into both of their minds; it shows us how alike they are.
I like how Nidara didn't immediately forgive her former best friend, like a lot of novels portray these things. You drug it out, you made it complicated, you strung your readers along agonizingly slowly, and it was fantastic.
I like the cliffhanger. I love cliffhangers. And I hate them. It's a complicated relationship we have.
I love the little descriptions, without going too in depth. Any more detail, and you'd miss the story unfolding. Great job on keeping it short and sweet.
I love this story, even though I'm usually not a fan of things with strange names. Seriously, fantastic job. I give you nine stars out of ten. You should really continue this! I HAVE GOT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

Hey! So this is a review I guess...since that is what I am doing.
I love this scene! You have great dialogue and minor grammatical errors. I'll be honest and say that I'm not a fan of dramatic fantasy stuff, but this got me hooked. One of the few things I think you could improve on would be describing the characters, at least physical features, just a little. I don't mean a full out explanation from head to toe about them, just maybe something like stature or hair color. I can totally see the personalities of the characters, which most people find hard to do, but (and this is my preference) maybe giving the reader a little bit more of a picture of the characters, especially Keed.
Just remember that this is just my opinion and you can totally ignore it.
If you do turn this into a novel, I would totally read it. There are very few dramatic books out there that I'm willing to read so that is a total compliment. Keep up your great writing!

Hey there! Cricket here for a review!!

Ohhh, you should totally make this into a novel!!This is an AWESOME idea for a novel so PLEASE continue for it!!!

NITPICKS!

Why did he not annihilate her when he had the chance?

His hand extended toward her.

"I brought you a drink," he said holding out the goblet of wine.

Suddenly, she was taken back to the days when there was nothing to fear.

"Keed, you're being obnoxious!"

He looked crestfallen. "I am indeed at fault," he said guiltily, "please allow me to make amends, princess..."

She remembered the relief and anger flooding her being when she caught a glimpse of him standing beside her worst enemy, Xelop.

It was obvious that she had weighed her options in a matter of seconds. The sign of a true queen, he thought.

I just might continue this...

AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!
So this is what you made of it? Seriously man, this is a great improvement after the first draft I read. You did a great job!
I like how the descriptions were accurate. And the writing also has a certain flow to it; the content---especially the dialogue, conversations and individual thoughts of the characters seemed very natural.

I'm clueless about what suggestions I can give you....just keep it up!

Hey Confused!! Silver here to review your piece for you!

Let's get straight to it shall we?

Main Points

But, up close, anyone could see the distress and anger etched into her more than perfect facial features.

like this if you so chose.

i am more than