z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Blind - Chapter 3

by WillowPaw1


My birthday is coming up. Right now it is March and my birthday is in April. I can't wait. I love getting birthday presents because it's something I can use, not a book or coloring book. I also like inviting my friends over. Mother says I should write invintations soon. Well, actually, she would write them but I would tell her what to say.

I love spring. Even though I can't see, I love the smell of the breeze that hits and the blossoms blooming. The flowers smell wonderful. Sheila says since I'm blind I can smell better than other people. This makes me feel special because then I can smell things other people can't. I like that.

At dinner we sat in our usual spots. I think. Jason and Sheila tell me which chair to go to, and I think we have the same spots, by the way their voices come from. It sounds like they come from the same direction every day, Sheila next to me, Jason and Father across from me and Mother at the end of the table.

We had chicken which I think I dropped on the ground many times. Our dog, Lily, comes under the table to eat it. I feel her scratchy fur on my barefeet. It tickles. I also heard her mouth smacking, so I think she's eating the pieces I dropped.

My favorite part of the chicken is the skin. I like it especially crispy with flavor like rosemary. Mother cooks it like that just for me, atleast that's what she says.

From across the table I hear Jason picking at his food, and his fork scratches the plate. I hate that sound. It's like a cat scratching a chalk board.

"Stop squeaking your fork on your plate." I say, keeping my head down. I don't think he can see my face. I hope he can't.

"Stop telling me what to do." Jason spits back.

Mother scolds Jason, and after that the rest of the dinner is quiet, no one else speaking.

After dinner my family watched TV. I like listening to the people. Lots of them sound very stupid. And their voices are quite funny too.

I snuggled up against Father, resting my head on his lap. His hand in placed on my back softly rubbing it. I like it when he does that, it calms me down.

I fell asleep because when I woke up I was in bed. I didn't know whose at first, but when my fingers grasped the pillow, I knew I was in my own room. My pillow had several strings on it. I asked for a pillow with a texture on it for my birthday, so I was able to recognize it.

Sheila and Jason both bought it for me when I turned eight about three years ago. They used the paper money, which has numbers on it, they say. Mother is teaching me how to identify the different kinds of coins.

The biggest one is the quarter, I know that. The second biggest one is called the nickel, at it has a smooth rim. The two smallest ones are called pennies and dimes but I don't know how to tell them apart yet. Mother and I aren't that far in learning.

I sat up in bed and called out,"Is it morning?"

I waited for a reply. None came. Since I didn't feel heat on me from the sun, and since I didn't see the bright light of it, either, I assumed it was still night. I went back to bed.

Sheila woke me up, shaking me softly. I knew it was her because I smelled her shampoo she uses. Her hand was on my forearm. It was cold and sent prickled up my spine. I sat up quickly, right as Sheila said,"Mom wants me to talk to you about school."

Sheila was only a couple years older than me. She was in the seventh grade right now. If I went to normal shook next year, I would be in sixth grade and she would be in eighth.

"Okay." I said. There was hair in front of my face, making it tickle and itch at the same time, so I brushed it out. After that it felt better.

"You can be worried, Ember. It's all right." Shelia said quietly. I wondered if she was smiling. Sometimes I can tell if people are smiling based on their voice.

I nod then wait for her to continue.

"It's fun and there are many nice people there to help you. Plus, if you're late to school they won't blame you since you're blind." Sheila said like it didn't matter. What if it did?

"Okay. Tell Mother I'll go." I said.

Sheila sounded surprised. "Okay! I'll tell her." Then she laughed. "And Ember, you don't have to call her 'Mother'. Mom is fine. Mommy is too." Then I heard Sheila get off my bed, making it bounce. A few seconds later her feet were padding down the hall.


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Sat Apr 05, 2014 1:59 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I love spring. Even though I can't see, I love the smell of the breeze that hits and the blossoms blooming. The flowers smell wonderful. Sheila says since I'm blind I can smell better than other people. This makes me feel special because then I can smell things other people can't. I like that.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I love this description! I'm not sure why I'm totally fangirling over your smell and sound descriptions, but I am. Maybe it's because I'm so used to reading sight descriptions and it's nice to see something different. I don't know. But anyway, keep up the good work with your descriptions!

"Stop telling me what to do." Jason spits back. The rest of the dinner is quiet, no one else speaking.

So, one quick thing about this part. I feel like Mother or Father would reprimand Jason for snapping at his sister. Usually parents don't just sit back and listen to their children argue or be mean to each other. I think you should add something in here where Mother scolds Jason and he just grunts and brushes it off. That would also make sense as to why they all ate dinner in silence. Because the confrontation between Jason and Mother would make everyone uncomfortable.

Sheila and Jason both bought it for me when I turned eight two years ago.

Just a nitpick here. Okay, so Ember is ten going on eleven. I get that. But the way you said what I underlined is a bit awkward. I'd suggest writing it more like this: "when I turned eight. That two years ago, almost three now." By separating her age and the time that has passed since since she was that age it's a bit easier to read.

Overall this is another great chapter. I like how you continue to develop Ember as a character. It's a bit easier to do this since you're writing in first person POV, but you're doing a great job regardless. Keep up with the great other senses descriptions! It's very fun and interesting to read. And congrats for making me feel really, really bad for Ember. I feel so sorry for her! While reading this I really start to think about all of the things I take for granted every day. Like how when I wake up I can see the sun shining through my window. And I know where the chairs are at my kitchen table.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

P.S. I can see your writing improving so much in each new chapter. You're taking everyone's comments and applying them to your story. That's awesome! :)




WillowPaw1 says...


Thank you for taking the time to review! :D It means alot, and it was a nice long one. :D Thankssss!



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Sat Apr 05, 2014 1:07 pm
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Em101cats wrote a review...



Hi, it's Em101cats!


Whoa, this chapter is great too! Aside for some spelling errors, like 'atleast' and 'barefeet' where you accidentally run the two words together. Maybe you're typing a little too fast. Remember to take your time when you write stories. No one should be rushing you.


Please, can you explain what happens to the girl that makes her blind? I think that should be an important part of the story.


Other than a couple spelling errors due to probably typing fast, and again leaving out the part where the girl explains what happened, this is overall a great chapter! Next time could you add in some more suspense, too? Thanks. Maybe I'm just crazy over suspense.


I hope I helped you, and thanks for making this series! I love it so far! Keep up the good work!




WillowPaw1 says...


Yess, I suppose I should slow down. :3
Sure! I can add I more suspense! Of course! :D
Thanks for reviewing <3



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Sat Apr 05, 2014 5:32 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Greetings c:

Some nitpicks I sought out:

I also live inviting m friends over.


I assume "live' is "like"? Also, my is missing a y.

Well, actually, she would write them but I would tell her what to say.


She will write them, you mean? Change both "would" to "will" so this makes more sense.


And then there's the same problem as the previous chapter, where there's a space missing between the dialogue and the rest of the paragraph. Fix those!

Moving on, I like how you focus more on her other senses in this chapter. c: The fact that you highlight how she uses her smelling and touching senses makes me happy, because now I can connect better with the piece. Knowing that Ember is blind and that's it doesn't help me connect at all, because all I can envision is darkness all the time, and pain from running into things. Now I can see her running her hands along the surfaces of things, or smelling the roses, or tasting food and describing things to me. That helps me see the scene better, so keep up with that!

I do suggest you work on your imagery though. While you're talking about Ember's senses, you aren't really showing me them. Describe to me, in rich details, the things she smells and the objects she caresses. What is it? How does it feel/smell? How does it make her feel? Stuff like that makes a story a lot better to read, so work on enhancing your imagery. :)

Overall, I'm enjoying this! While it does have room for improvement, it's still very good. It's off to a nice start, slowly building up to her biggest problem: enrolling into a public school. All of this has been well written so far, with a smooth pace and a flow that can be choppy at times, but is for the most part, steady. I'm looking forward to seeing chapter four, so let me know when it's out. ^^




WillowPaw1 says...


Anddddd thank you!
For sure I'll let you know when it's out. Might be tomorrow or Sunday or who knows when!




This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy