z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Chapter 1: Zombie Hunting-Selene

by ForeverWarrior


The last zombie falls to the dead ground with the sound of a gunshot. The July rain is unseasonably cold, and it stings my face. It's still summer, and already about 55 degrees. Even though we're in the middle of the woods, there's no covering of trees. They're already dying anyway.

Crazy, right?

That's what you get when you live in the zombie apocalypse.

"Dajen, why are we out here in the freezing rain?" I ask.

"Because, that's where the zombies are," the cocky, one-eyed 1st lieutenant of the Zombie Apocalypse Corps says as he walks up to me.

"Or were," I say. "However, that didn't answer my question."

"Then how about because I said so?" he says, a playful tone in his voice.

"Why don't you stop flirting with me because I have an idea?" I ask. His face falls.

"Oh no."

I begin walking to the Jeep, and turn around and call over my shoulder, "I need them gathered together!"

He calls the 6 other boys together by the black Jeep. You would think zombies would have noticed it, but they're stupid. Unless you find a smart one, in which case you'll be in trouble. Usually, people who were scholars tend to be the smarter zombies. But that's rare.

"Alright. We're near an old hospital. About a mile."

"Yeah? So what?" one of the younger officers asks, an edge in his voice. I glare at him.

"The medical supply back at headquarters is low. Put 2 and 2 together."

Dajen shakes his head no immediately. "Selene, that's stupid. It's not happening."

"But-"

"No. End of it. Anyways, you'd have to have 2 teams. One to go in the front, and one to go in the back. No one here can lead."

I'm not about to let a golden opportunity go to waste.

"I can," I say. Dajen laughs.

"Selene, you can't. You haven't even had any classes yet!"

"Experience is the best teacher. I don't need classes."

"Yes-"

"No! If I lead this team well, I get an exception to that rule!"

The others are watching us; tension filling the air.

"Fine. Selene leads another team. She'll have Mark, Nick, and the youngest, Nico," he says. "I'll take the other three."

He's put me with a rookie, in the hopes that I'll mess up. I'm not stupid!

"Move out!" I yell, and the boys walk slowly towards the Jeep. I take note that it's staring to let up on the rain. It is only a light drizzle now. We don't even need the trees (though it's not like we exactly had them in the first place).

I fire a shot into the air to signal the scene's clear. I also do it to annoy Dajen, since it's his job.

He grabs my arm as I begin to walk back. Dajen leans in close. So close, in fact, that I can feel his breath on my face and neck.

"If you mess this up, you're ruined," he threatens.

I walk back as quickly as possible. My cheeks are hot and become red with embarrassment. There was no avoiding that scene, I think as I climb into the Jeep. It slowly rolls away, now en route to the hospital.

I will not mess this up.


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73 Reviews


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Reviews: 73

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Tue Apr 22, 2014 4:33 pm
Zontafer wrote a review...



Hello! Zontafer here to review your work!

First I want to say that I read your first draft of chapter one, and the story in this is better than your previous one, so great job on that

Nitpicks

...the cocky, one-eyed, blue-eyed 1st lieutenant of the Zombie Apocalypse Corps....


I agree with queerelves on this one. I feel like 'one-eyed' is more necessary than 'blue-eyed'.
Suggestion:

the cocky and one-eyed man, also the 1st lieutenant of the Zombie Apocalypse Corps says as he walks up to me.


I'm not sure what to with the last part, but I added 'also' since it felt so long, and ruined the flow of your chapter.

My cheeks are hot, and red with embarrassment.


Become could fit better here. It also feels like an unnecessary comma.
Suggestion:

My cheeks become hot and red with embarrassment.


I'm not about to let a golden opportunity go to waste.


I think this should be in italics. Not too sure about first person, as I seldom write in it.

Story & Plot
Your story and plot seems interesting here. I'm a big fan of zombie apocalypse stories/series (The Walking Dead), and this caught my eye. I think this story has a lot of potential, even though this was short.

Content
One thing I believe you have to work better on is having a balance when it comes to dialogue and descriptions. I want to be honest since it's not going to help you if I lie, so I'm telling you that I think it was too little description here, and I honestly wasn't sure where the scene took place at the end.

I think it took place at the hospital since he said ''Move out!''? In that case you should try to describe the hospital so and the environment so we can have a clear picture of where all is happening. Also, are there any building around them at start? Are they in a town?

Try to describe how everything (not literally everything) looks (or show it) to the reader.
Example:

The last zombie falls to the soaky, green (if it is green) ground with the sound of a gunshot.
[/quote]

Try to add more description within your sentences, and your story will be great!
Overall, I like your plot, and I do wonder where you are going with this! If you are getting chapter 2 out, tell me!
I hope this review helped some at least, and good luck further on! :)

- Zontafer




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Tue Apr 22, 2014 12:51 am
queerelves wrote a review...



I have to say, I'm a closet fan of zombie apocalypse stories, and so far I really enjoy yours! You've written your characters very realistically, and when they talk, they sound like real people talking. I especially like Selene and her narration. She's confident, and in her words and her thoughts she sounds like she knows what she's doing. Her interaction with Dajen is especially interesting; I like the way they interact and the way they talk.

There's something about the introduction that I like too:

"The last zombie falls with the sound of a gunshot. The July rain is unseasonably cold, and it stings my face. It's still summer, and already about 55 degrees,
Crazy, right?
That's what you get when you live in the zombie apocalypse."

Most of the stories I see on here have a little bit of cliched introductions, but yours introduces the story well, and it's not cliched--nor does it sound off, or drawn out in any way. It's short, it's simple, and it immediately gives you an idea of a) plot, and b) setting. That's hard to do in just four sentences, so props to you :)

I also liked the way you introduced Dajen:

"'Because, that's where the zombies are,' the cocky, one-eyed, blue-eyed 1st lieutenant of the Zombie Apocalypse Corps says as he walks up to me."

It gives you a good idea of personality, appearance, and role all in one. The only thing I don't like is "one-eyed, blue-eyed." It just doesn't flow right.






Thanks! The first time I wrote it, Selene had been way too rebellious towards her superior officer. Plus, I didn't really know a way to make to make the one-eyed, blue-eyed flow smoothly, but I'm working on it. PS, I love your picture!



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Tue Apr 15, 2014 12:20 am
CuriosityCat says...



Sorry, what's this? Is it some part you missed before, or…? I just don't know. (*tilts confused head confusedly*) :S






It must have published it. It's a revised first chapter



CuriosityCat says...


Ah! OK! Oh, BTW, check your school e-mail.




Life is like a bag of potatoes, it starts out rough, but can turn into something beautiful (and yummy).
— Ley