Hello! Zontafer here to review your work!
First I want to say that I read your first draft of chapter one, and the story in this is better than your previous one, so great job on that
Nitpicks
...the cocky, one-eyed, blue-eyed 1st lieutenant of the Zombie Apocalypse Corps....
I agree with queerelves on this one. I feel like 'one-eyed' is more necessary than 'blue-eyed'.
Suggestion:
the cocky and one-eyed man, also the 1st lieutenant of the Zombie Apocalypse Corps says as he walks up to me.
I'm not sure what to with the last part, but I added 'also' since it felt so long, and ruined the flow of your chapter.
My cheeks are hot, and red with embarrassment.
Become could fit better here. It also feels like an unnecessary comma.
Suggestion:
My cheeks become hot and red with embarrassment.
I'm not about to let a golden opportunity go to waste.
I think this should be in italics. Not too sure about first person, as I seldom write in it.
Story & Plot
Your story and plot seems interesting here. I'm a big fan of zombie apocalypse stories/series (The Walking Dead), and this caught my eye. I think this story has a lot of potential, even though this was short.
Content
One thing I believe you have to work better on is having a balance when it comes to dialogue and descriptions. I want to be honest since it's not going to help you if I lie, so I'm telling you that I think it was too little description here, and I honestly wasn't sure where the scene took place at the end.
I think it took place at the hospital since he said ''Move out!''? In that case you should try to describe the hospital so and the environment so we can have a clear picture of where all is happening. Also, are there any building around them at start? Are they in a town?
Try to describe how everything (not literally everything) looks (or show it) to the reader.
Example:
[/quote]The last zombie falls to the soaky, green (if it is green) ground with the sound of a gunshot.
Try to add more description within your sentences, and your story will be great!
Overall, I like your plot, and I do wonder where you are going with this! If you are getting chapter 2 out, tell me!
I hope this review helped some at least, and good luck further on!
- Zontafer
Points: 1442
Reviews: 73
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