Young Writers Society

Hey there! Alex here representing the Majestic icicles!
As dementer said I found your writing pattern to be intriguing. I found this particular topic begged for rhyming and you gave it that. I also agree with that some rhymes felt a bit awakward, one for example was:

But what was it really?

Something that killed me nearly.

Hey Shine!

You were hoping to get reviews on this again, so here I am.

You have a really interesting rhyme scheme in this. At some points, it feels like you’ve just found words that rhyme and had little thought on how to fill the gaps or filled them carelessly, but there are some bits that sound so cool. Occasionally there is a performance poetry feeling there, as well.

The way you start and end the poem with the same rhymes felt a little stuffy to me - I wasn’t a big fan of that. Sometimes when you start and end with the same words, the effect is nice and ties the poem together, but for some reason I didn’t feel that here. Perhaps you can think of something along the same lines, but not quite the same.

For especially the beginning of the poem, I would suggest trying to make the lines a bit more even to avoid the effect of “unfinishedness” or “carelessness” that I mentioned earlier. A little tweaking would make it sound much more put together.

Hopefully this little bit helps!


Demeter x

There you go again, using emotion to paint imagery and coloring it with your words! The one thing I feel the need to critique is your use of punctuation. Some of the lines are questions, and require question marks. Also, there are loads of unnecessary commas that make the poem seem choppy. You don't have to use a comma at the end of every line.
It might help if you write your poetry out on paper first without line breaks, like when you write a story. Proofread it first to make sure you punctuated everything properly, then read it out loud and decide where you want to put the line breaks. Microsoft Office will automatically correct any misuse or lack of punctuation and errors in grammar. Then, after you type it up, proofread again and edit as needed.
Hope that helps, and keep up the great work!

I'm not going to nitpick at your work at all because I'm new at writing myself .

At the end of your poem i then understood what you where saying


"And I'm left with the question,

that should answer everything,

and end my depression.

I'm left to go the other direction

all by myself,

without any protection,

from the real world.

Instead of waiting for someone to come to my aid,

I put down the blade,

and stepped out of the shade."

I would just like to say i understand what you where saying as I read this poem felt something I feel all the time and when I feel this i remember what is not was and I think and hope that it can only get better and that is all you can do.

Hey there!

as I filled the bath,

to drown my sorrows.