Young Writers Society

Hi There officially! I'm here as part of the Green Lanterns Team to review your first chapter for this fine review day!

I will review as I read so I can get all my ideas out as I go! Hopefully it will make perfect sense to you...

“I try to share the spotlight, but everything is all about me.” - If we're supposed to like this character then she's not doing a great job so far! Even though, I do like her name. It's cool.

I think the first chapter could have been much longer! You could have added loads more description showing us what Cassidy looked like, what her mother looked like and what her bedroom and house is like! I want to feel like I'm really there – like a little fly on the wall.

I think your dialogue is great! It's a really hard thing to do to make it seem natural. Sometimes writers can make speech sound too much like writing...if that makes sense.

Good luck! I look forward to reading some more of your work soon!

Olive <3

Hey, there!

SlushySlapped here to review your story!

I'm just going to jump right into critiquing.

"Cass! Time for school!" I heard my mom call from downstairs. I rolled my eyes, and perfected my eyeliner.

Hi, I'm Cassidy Destiny, and I'm 16. I'm in a band, that pretty much has no name. We don't really worry about the name really... But we're kind of the punk-rock kind of genre. My band members are mad, because they think I'm always the center of attention, and they get ignored. I try to share the spotlight, but everything is all about me.

Hey, saw your wall post and thought I would check this bit out. I hope this helps!
Telling: Okay, so when you talk to the readers you start off with "hi". I don't really mind that you have the character talk to us, just try not to start off with hi. That makes it a little too movie like and stereotypical. Also, just a warning, many reviewers will tell you to show and not tell.
Sentences: A lot of your sentences seem to be really long. To add a tiny bit more attitude to your character you could sub some of your commas for periods. Also feel free to add more description. I realize that's a little hard your story being first person, but really we examine a lot more things than you might think.
Dialogue: Your dialogue is pretty good and realistic too. It helps convey all the different attitudes of the different characters. I don't really think that there's anything there you need to fix, so good job on that.
About adding chapters, you have to gain more points which you do by reviewing. Currently the cost to post new works in 300 points, and the most amount you can get on a normal review is 100, on some you can get 150. Anymore questions feel free to ask.

my mother kept judging me about my hair

"Hey guys." I said. "Hi."

Why are they so angry? Just because I was late? Or just because I blame things on my mom?

He said, angrily

Hello! I really like the story line so far, it's realistic. The main character sounds oblivious to her actions, that are causing the others in her life stress. Maybe you could have one of the characters give her a little, but very important hint? But other than that I love the story line and I hope that you add to it. And if you could message me when you do that would be awesome!

Hey, officiallyariotxoxo!

First things first, I really like your title! It's really simple and to the point. Also, I think the fact that Cassidy is in a band that has no name is interesting. Since she is the center of attention, I assume they do perform? That would be kind of funny, like if someone asks what the band name is. No? Just me? Okay, haha. Before I blabber any longer, let's get to the review!


So, the very first thing on the page is "*Cassidy*". Does that mean you are going to be switching between different perspectives? Because if you're not going to, there isn't really a need for that there. Just a thought.

Hi, I'm Cassidy Destiny, and I'm 16. I'm in a band, that pretty much has no name. We don't really worry about the name really... But we're kind of the punk-rock kind of genre. My band members are mad, because they think I'm always the center of attention, and they get ignored. I try to share the spotlight, but everything is all about me.

But we're kind of the punk-rock kind of genre.

My band members are mad, because they think I'm always the center of attention, and they get ignored.

I wear a bunch of make up all the time, even when I'm in the house, but I'm 16, I'm not a kid anymore, and my mom can't tell me what to do.

My mom had to call me probably like 8 times before she had to come upstairs and drag me out the door. "Cassidy Destiny, let's go!" She said, sternly. I rolled my eyes. "Hey! I told you not to do that anymore." She scolded. I grabbed my bag, and put on my shoes. "Make sure to do your homework when you get back home from school. I'm going to be at a doctor's appointment, and I expect that homework to be correct and finished." She said. I nodded, pretending to listen. Pretty much, the only thing I hear coming out of my mom's mouth is 'blah blah blah blah' that's all she says to me.

Hey, riot! Firstly, welcome to YWS I'll be reviewing your story today.

I think the title of this story is really cool, and the kind of thing that draws people in. I'll start this review by talking about the positives of your piece and I think it's mainly to do with the theme. Although something I guess I've seen before, I like your character as this punk-rock chick who's in a band and seems to be generally bad-ass. Also, she's in a band which is really cool! This might be because I'm in a band too and I just love anything band-related, but I think you've got some really interesting ideas here.

Okay, so this piece is actually really short and not much happens. There's a bit of a character introduction which is good, but nothing major happens. I'm not saying something MASSIVE needs to happen, but I think it should be left with a hook that keeps the reader wanting to read more and right now I don't think it's all there. I'm not sure if you've got your whole plot worked out yet but maybe you could reveal a bit more of the plot here and give more for the readers to grasp onto rather than a small feud between the girl and her mother. Also, I'm not quite fond of the way you've introduced the character here. I think she's got some cool traits to her, but it could be done in a more interesting sort of way. Like for example, rather than just stating that she's in a band, why don't you set the first chapter at a band practise? Then you could go more into detail about the band so that we find out that she's in a band and what they're like and all that. I think this is better than just saying it because it keeps your work more varied and the reader interested.

Overall, this was an interesting piece and I'd love to see more if you post any up. Just remember that when you're writing, you're trying to communicate stuff with a reader and they're eager to know all about details- as I'm sure you are when you're reading books. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions that you have or if you'd like another review of anything.

Keep writing!
~Arc x

This is a good start for a novel!

A few things I noticed while reading it, though, are that it is very choppy and it seems like you are going down a check list when your character is describing herself.

The choppiness of your sentences is partially due to the repetition of certain words - "We don't really worry about the name really" - but also because of the unneeded commas in your sentences. For example "I have fire-orange hair, with blonde streaks" doesn't need a comma in it. It could also be combined with the sentence after it "It's pretty punk..." to flow more smoothly. If you did combine them, the comma would go between "streaks" and "It's". Simple things like that would help the overall story to flow more smoothly.

When your character is describing herself she goes from one thing to the next like she's reading off a list of things she needs to describe. She starts off directly with her name and age, which is good to let the reader know the type of character they are dealing with, then after she describes her band she goes straight to her appearance. It makes sense, but it should be done creatively so it doesn't come off like a check list. Instead of just going "My hair is..." "I wear ____ for make-up..." Maybe try starting off with her style "My mom always judges me for my punk style. When she isn't nagging me about my orange hair, she's telling me I wear to much make-up." That is one example of how it could be said in character, but more smoothly.

I hope this helps you out! I can't wait to read more of this!