z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

One Last Chance

by Cailey


I can see the hourglass in the corner. It's filled with black sand. I didn't even know hourglasses existed anymore. I thought an hourglass was nothing more than a marshmallow in the Lucky Charms cereal I ate for breakfast. I mean, sure, Jasmine got stuck in one in that Disney movie, right? And I guess my Pictionary game had a small hourglass to keep track of each turn.

That was it.

Hourglasses were not meant to sit like soldiers with black sand falling piece by piece through the miniscule opening, keeping time and marking the moment when everything would be over. Everything. Not just the end of a game or the last bite of cereal.

This was it, my last chance. If I failed... I didn't dare think through the possibilities. I didn't have time to think about failure; I didn't have time to think. Another bit of sand fell from one end of the hourglass to the next, and I corrected my previous statement. I didn't have time at all.

I tried to breathe, to keep the sweat off my forehead, to unfold my cramped fingers, to keep the nervous twitch from making my leg bounce up and down like there was an earthquake.

My arms were tied together behind my back, and I twisted my sore skin around to try and get the rope off my wrists. While I worked, I continued to let distractions pour through my thoughts. Only yesterday everything was normal, fine. I was a normal teenage boy starting my senior year of high school. I had a car, an I-pod, a girlfriend.

And then my best friend dared me to steal a feather from the crazy lady's pet raven.

And I did.

And everything changed. The raven was not dead. The house was not locked. The crazy lady was not asleep. And the hourglass DID exist.

The sand was almost perfectly half and half. I wished I knew how much time that meant I had. Was it an hourglass that actually marked an hour? Or was it smaller? I had no way of knowing, since to me every second felt like an eternity. The old woman told me that I had the remaining time of the hourglass before she would return. And when she returned, I would be dead.

The raven watched over me, looking one hundred percent dead again. I felt a strip of skin peel off my hand as the rope loosened, and suddenly I was free. I ignored the blood that showed where the rope had been, and slowly stood up from the chair. My legs ached. My wrists stung. My bloody fingers clutched a single raven feather, black as ink, dotted with red.

The sand continued to slip through the space, and the top half grew smaller and smaller. Time was running out. This was my last chance to get away. The raven sat like a corpse. The house was silent. I tiptoed away from the raven, to the front door that my friend had promised me was always locked.

It hadn't been.

But now it was.

I heard a cackle, but I could not tell if it belonged to the woman or the bird. Both, perhaps. I turned around, slowly, fearfully, terrified of what I would see.

The hourglass sat in the hallway behind me, and as I watched in panic the last handful of sand fell through the hole. I gasped, and the raven feather fell through my fingers. I watched it, and I watched my own blood drip down onto it. That was it. My chance was over.

I heard the cackle again, and felt the raven's beak piercing the skin on my face, my arms, my back. The old lady picked up the hourglass and shoved it in my face, the black sand shaking back and forth in the bottom half.

"Time's up," she crowed, "you lost."


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14 Reviews


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Fri Aug 02, 2013 3:46 am
novelist says...



Near the end it was really suspenseful. I actually got chills. The spelling and etcetera was legible, which made it overall a good read.




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Wed Jul 31, 2013 10:14 am
Swiftie13Initiate wrote a review...



OMG!! I LOVE THIS THIS IS AMAZING!! BUT ALSO IT NEEDS SOME DESCRIPTIONS:LIKE WHAT'S HIS NAMES?HOW DID THE LADY LOOK?WHAT DOES THE HOUSE LOOK? AND I LOVE HOW YOU DESCRIBE THE HOUR GLASS AND HOW YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE.
AND ALSO I THINK THIS JUST NEEDS COMMA:

Time was running out. This was my last chance to get away. The raven sat like a corpse. The house was silent.

ANYWAY,THIS WAS AMAZING!!




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:38 am
Skydreamer wrote a review...



Okay, I am going to review this!

You are just a fantastic writer! The way that you started this out was really good. I liked how you were explaining how he didn't know anything really about the hourglass because most of the time people don't really know much about hour glasses and so that was a good way to start.

I did find it a little strange that you included the lucky charms into it, not everyone can relate to it and it made it sort of a less threatening story. I mean, going into the scary ending having a start with cereal and such does not make it so scary anymore. But that could have just been for me.

The struggle with him in her house was also well written and interesting, I thought it fascinating and yes, a little horror-like that you used and old lady. But the fact that she was considered the 'crazy lady', that just made me think of a lady that kept loads of cats in her house. XP

I also felt that there needed to be more background on the surroundings, like what was the house like, you could have added a lot more descriptions about the lady. Maybe the conceptions that they had of her and who she was. That often causes more understanding, and also it adds more of a thrill. Though your writing was absolutely amazing, there was a bit of thrill missing I felt, and possibly if there had been more concentration on her then there would have been a bit more thrilling and scary a bit.

That said though after really reading and understanding the ending, I did feel the ending was a bit spooky and freaky, especially the fact that the raven came up and was all on his face. That was a little scary for me, although I'm not too hard to scare. :P

Overall:

I felt you wrote it all really well, you have a good way of balancing out your short stories to make sure that they aren't too one way or the other. This one could have been a little bit more balanced, especially with more descriptions on the main character and then the crazy lady. But that said, it was still really good and interesting to read. I hope that my analysis helped a bit. XD

--Keep writing and keep dreaming!




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Fri Jul 26, 2013 8:45 pm
sylviaelioness wrote a review...



I loved it. I was expecting it to be a bit more scary. He seems to get out of the "cuffs" rather quickly, but it was a great story anyway. And the end was very bloody and, for want of a better word, violent. And there's also the woman, who it seems is the crow? Are they they same thing? That's what I gathered from the way you wrote, "she crowed" at the end. If they're not, my bad...

One more thing: the hourglass. It's a very good visual, however you mention that half of the sand has poured down. Well, only what seems a few minutes later, the lady is there saying the time's up. So he's only been there for a little bit of time? That's what it seems like... Just a thought....

All in all, it's a great story. The above were just a few things I noticed as I was reading and thought I should point out...

Hope it helps!
Sylvia.




Cailey says...


Awesome! Thanks for pointing those out. I guess this story needs a bit more work. :) I just typed it to get it out, since it was begging to be written. :D
Thanks for the review!



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Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:56 pm
ShadowHunter wrote a review...



I love the dark side of things, so the fact that you chose to end the story like that was perfect! You can feel the panic of the person in the fact that he obsesses over the small details first instead of focusing on the big picture. The only thing I wished you would have elaborated more on the setting of the house so I would be able to visualize it better. Give us details about how the things look and how the crazy lady's house works and how she might be living in a totally different world that ours. All in all, I like this story and I will definitely read more of your works.




Cailey says...


Hm, more about the house? I like it. If I ever get around to adding to this I will be sure to add more about setting.
Thanks!!



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Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:51 pm
TwinkleStar wrote a review...



Hi, here to review this awesome piece of horror. I really like how you've narrated with the perfect balance of show and tell. A perfect way to make a horror story even more terrifying. I like the way you slowly revealed his location, his situation, his emotions, how he got here, all of that. It was helpful in understanding things slowly and step by step.

It was like a blank canvas in my mind that you kept painting and painting with your words till the end of the story, and completed the painting very professionally. I really liked the part where he keeps looking at the hourglass and tries to distract himself while also trying to untie himself. It shows his agitation, his anxiety. The way you showed his skin getting scraped where the ropes were, it made me want to cringe because that part seemed so real and I cringe at the sight of blood. (SIGHT of blood, not the WORD blood) so you can imagine how good you were able form the image inside my head.

I really like how even after he escapes the ropes, he isn't able to get out of the house, and at the exact moment, when you think it can't get any worse, the time runs out. It was scary, I should tell you. You've done a really great job. And Best part was the last line. Loved it all. keep writing! =]





i like that the title of dr jekyll and mr hyde makes a clear stance that the embodiment of one’s own evil doesn’t get a claim to the doctorate
— waywardxwallflower