Young Writers Society

I peered over my right shoulder, smirking at Mikey passed out in his pac man costume. Ashley looked up at me and for about the sixth time in the last 20 minute interval and asked me, “When are we going to leave?”

“Just wait a bit, okay?”

She broke eye contact and looked off into the distance, only creating a greater tension between us. She wasn’t very fond of the outdoors, especially when it was wet grass, thick air, and the scent of pot floating around her. She just didn’t understand, she didn’t understand the purpose. Why we were here. We didn’t come to Summerfest for just the music, we came for much more than that.

“Can we at least find me some shoes?”

“You go ahead, but I’m not losing my spot.”

She sighed and looked down at her bare feet.

*******

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! I bit my lip and squirmed quietly in my tiny 9” by 9” spot. I glanced up and Kyle and he didn’t notice. I kept my gaze on him, hoping he would turn down and see. Why? Why am I even here? A stupid fucking music fest---no, this isn’t even a music festival, it’s a shit hole!

I felt an ant crawl over my foot and I crushed it with my toe.

When are you going to look at me, Kyle?

The ant was still alive, twitching two of it’s legs.

Look at me.

It was one of those miraculous, psychic moments in which your thoughts actually went through and played out. He looked down at me, “What?”

“When are we going to leave?”

He sighed, “Just wait a bit, okay?”

Fuck. I couldn’t look at him. I wanted to say something, but this was the sixth time I’ve asked. He knows how uncomfortable I am. He knows I can’t leave by myself without risking my life, hitching rides to nearest bus station in downtown Charlotte.

The ant was still twitching over my god damn foot, I hate bugs. And my bare feet are openly exposed to a kingdom of ants, grasshoppers, and all the other disgusting creatures of nature.

“Can we at least find me some shoes?” I was being a bit hopeful there.

“You go ahead, but I’m not losing my spot.”

You asshole.

********

There wasn’t even any point in trying to cheer up Ashley at this point, nothing would make her smile except for my announcement of our departure. I’d tried poking fun at our situation—a group of strangers all bunched together under a sheet of plywood, trying to protect ourselves from spatters of rain sent our way. Nothing worked, and I could see the disgust in her face when she looked down to see dirt smashed up in between her toes.

If only I could told her the meaning of all this, why we were really waiting. I just figured it would be obvious to her, considering the way our relationship has been heading the past few months.

I looked down at her and smiled, “Hey, the sky looks brighter now!” I stepped out from under the plywood, grabbing her hand and pulling her out into the sunshine. Her face still remained as stone.“It’s not going to be much longer, Ash. After Green Moonshine plays we can leave. Promise.”

“Exactly how long is that going to be?”

“Couple hours at most. They’re gonna be on in like, fifteen minutes.” I stuck my hand in my pocket to make sure it was still there for when Green Moonshine was going to perform. It felt cool and smooth between my fingers.

She sighed and looked down at her feet. It was the feet that might be bugging her the most…or maybe second to me at this point. I stepped closer to her, motioning for her to climb onto me. Her arms reached over my head to reach my shoulders, and she pushed herself up to sit on my shoulders. But in the process of all this, I caught a glimpse of something that made my stomach churn.

Earlier today, I had given my jacket to a young kid huddled up on the ground, using a backpack as a makeshift pillow. She looked so small and so tired, and the bag looked so hard. I folded my jacket up and tucked it under for her.

I’m not sure why I did that, why I felt so compelled to be nice at that moment. I purposely have been wearing my jackets, cardigans, long sleeve shirts the past couple of weeks because I’m hiding from Kyle. I was successful for much of the day, but then he offered for me to sit on his shoulders. What reason would I have to say no when I’ve been complaining about my feet all day? If I’d said, no, he would have gotten closer, maybe forced me up onto him. He would definitely have seen it then.

So, I agreed, and hoped he wouldn’t see as I climbed onto his shoulders. I think he saw. No, I know he saw. Why couldn’t we have just left earlier? I just don’t want to be here. Not with him. Not with anybody.

*********

I really didn’t know what to say, nor did I even want to say anything about what I saw to Ashley. It just left me so confused and nervous. Am I making the right decision today? I thought this would be a wonderful, romantic story to look back upon, but now it feels tainted. The lines and dots, an omen.

I looked around the fest grounds and saw people moving up to the stage, waiting for Green Moonshine to come up and play. I started to think about the first time I went to Summerfest…

I spent hours huddled in a cardboard box to protect me from the sun, and mainly to avoid some rather angry kids who had just been robbed of their molly. That first time, I came for the music, which delivered to some extent, spent hours miserable, and left with my life changed. Changed, because I met Ashley.

I’m not sure exactly how long I was stuck in that cardboard box for, but in the blistering Florida weather, time moved slower than you can imagine. Sweat moving, pooling around my eyes, the air around me especially heavy from being contained in such a tight space.

Suddenly a shock of light and something hard and cold hit my shoulder I thought those kids had found me and I was about to meet my death. My body tightened, anticipating another blow, but nothing came. All there was, was a soft laugh. I peered up to red billowy hair draped over ivory shoulders, electric blue, and crooked smile, “Don’t kill yourself in there now.”

“What?”

She pointed to a water bottle next to me, “Drink. You need it.”

I half mumbled a “thanks” and she left. Great going, so eloquent and charming.

This girl was beautiful and I just let her go, like that. Eventually I had to get out of that box, and I ended up wandering aimlessly around the festival grounds. I kept thinking of the pretty girl with red hair and blue eyes, kept projecting. What if I’d said “x y and z”. What would have happened then?

I kept replaying scenarios over and over in my head, me a much more charming, likeable guy and her falling for my “clever, quirky” personality.

As I made my way towards a food stand, I saw her there, burrito in hand, waving at me. I wanted to turn away, I don’t know why or how she got me so scared, but we made eye contact, and there was no escaping now. We both walked towards each other and there I was in front of her, barely sputtering out a “Hi” and “Thanks for the water”. All that projecting gone to waste.

She laughed, “Why are you so nervous?”

“I’m not.”

She raised her brow at me.

“Well not really…”

She laughed and grabbed me by the hand, over to a log where we both sat down. She started talking about how she found out about this festival, about waiting for her favorite band Green Moonshine to come up on stage, her photography, her animals at home…she talked a lot, and laughed a lot. That’s what I miss about her. She was just so warm and it was hard to stay nervous for too long.

Later into our conversation she noticed some strange dotty scars on my arm, around the insides of my elbow. “What’s that?”

“Oh…nothing.”

“What is it?”

“Just…it’s not for you.”

She grabbed my arm and started to shake me playfully, “Tell meeeee.”

We were laughing and calmed down. It turned more serious when I started to tell her about it, and she was curious. I didn’t want her to get involved in all this, but at the same time I kinda did. I didn’t know what it would lead up to, we were only fourteen.

****************

I was just sitting on his shoulders, wanting to feel guilty but couldn’t. Kyle has the best of intentions, and has been trying to help me for years now. He wasn’t the best influence at fourteen, but now at twenty four he’s responsible, caring, supportive. And he’s been that way for a while now, ever since we were seventeen and I woke up in a stranger’s car one afternoon. He changed quickly. And he wanted me to change with him. And I’m not really sure how he was able to get his shit together so quickly, cause after all this time I haven’t, and I’m so done with trying.

I had a bit of a feeling why we were here, why we were waiting for Green Moonshine to play. I just didn’t want it to happen. I’m never going to be ready.

********************

Finally Green Moonshine began to play and with Ashley on my shoulders we listened to a few of their newer songs and then I started to wander off into a quieter area where we could still hear the music in the background. I found an empty space and let Ashley back down on the ground. I sat, and pulled her over on top of me. With my head resting over her shoulders I held her arms in mine and stared at the lines and dots.

“Kyle, I’m sor—“

“It’s alright Ashley, I know.” We sat in silence for a few moments. “Do you remember when we first met?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“After ten years.”

She mustered out a quiet laugh. “You were hiding in that cardboard box and you were so still. I saw you get in and actually was afraid you’d die in there.”

I laughed, “Maybe I would have if you hadn’t come to my rescue.”

We listened to hums of music in the back and remained quiet. I was unsure if I should go through with this. I pulled one hand away and reached inside my pocket, the ring now in between my fingers. I twirled it between my index finger and thumb, more scared than when we first met, than that morning she woke up in that stranger’s car.

“You know, Ashley…”

“Yes?”

“I think after ten years of all this…of going through all this shit, and still managing to be happy means something. And if I survive these ten years with you…I think I could handle whatever comes next.” I pulled out the ring and placed it in her palm. “Will you marry me?”

*************

The ring was just sitting in my palm and I was unsure of what to do, of what to say. Fuck. It’s not that I don’t love Kyle. It’s not that Kyle isn’t the right person for me. I don’t know who else would have gone through all the chaos I bring along.

I just felt so tired. So I asked him, “Can we go home?”

************

I pressed on the pedal softly, moving faster. I think I know what’s going on in her mind; I think she wanted to say yes. I know it. The night wasn’t as planned but its okay. When I accelerate, I remember why it’s good to be alive.

Ashley, slouched down in her seat, put her hand on my leg. I turned over to her right as she was turning to me. Electric blue was gone, instead just tired eyes, and she told me, “Baby, all I wanna do is crash.”

“I know.” I accelerated under the tunnel and we were gone.