Hello there Broken! Dogs here with your review today. Well interesting piece you have here, you take the topic down a new path other than the usual conventional love heart break poem which is always good because this topic is used a lot. Again, going of what Hanna says, what pizzaz do you have in your writing here to really spice it up? What you need here is to explore a metaphor or simile and root your writing in that. I'll explain more in a second, let's dive in now shall we?
The first stanza immediately makes your poem to be predictable, which should be a huge red flag to you as a writer. Predictable in the sense that it's all in the same format. "How can I do this... if (insert line of wallowing in self pity and remorse)" Try to mix it up a bit, definitely use that style of writing at points in your poem, but don't make that the only thing in your poem that you should write about.
"but the heart break was unbareable!"
Two things, firstly it's "unbearable," not "unbareable." Secondly, do not use a exclamation point more than a few times in your poetry, and you should almost never use it in your poetry regardless. Reason being is because it immediately draws all the attention to that line as it insinuates that it's being shouted. So constantly doing that every single stanza is just like hearing someone scream words into my head, which shouldn't be the main focus of your poem here. So I would suggest you cut those out because usually poetry, especially remorseful poetry, is a little more on the calm side of writing.
"if my mind won't let me dream?"
Now we get to the bit about the no general metaphor to root this in. You lack imagery in this piece, and it is rather essential in poetry to write in such a fashion that it creates a picture in the readers head. Either a picture or make us feel the emotion that the narrator is feeling, put us in the moment of his or her pain. I think you'd be better suited if you took the imagery path, but here is a possibility for you to explore something. Try taking the same theme of this poem, but instead re write it in a way that you're having a dream and this person that broke your heart is there, and how that plagues you. How does that effect you? I see lots of potential to explore that as in dreams, anything can sensically happen to the environment as it could spontaneously burst into flames or become encased in ice or whatever you choose to do. Try exploring that.
All and all a good piece, you have some great ideas that just new developing now. I enjoyed reading, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
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