What If

What if I don't always want to be
cold, and strong, and wise,
like an icicle?
What if I don't want to be
poised, and solemn, and serious
all the time,
like a rock?

I know there is honor in dignity,
and I recognize,
nobility lies in braving the world.

But what if I still have that yearning
to be one who doesn't swallow
my tears, or my smiles?
What if I have a strange tug
to be the small, soiled, and passionate one -
the one with no worries,

or cares?

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Wed Apr 17, 2013 3:25 am

IAmOnlyMySelf says...

This is amazing.

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Wed Apr 17, 2013 3:20 am

skorlir wrote a review...

Mind the edges.

What if I don't always want to be/cold, and strong, and wise,/like an icicle?

Good introduction; good precedent for the stanza's structure (What if... like... What if... like...).

However, the pull here is just a little weak. You should resolve your timing. You can remove "and" once in the second line - "cold, strong, and wise" - and thereby have a downstep that keeps going and feels natural, or you could add to the last line to bring its syllable count closer to the preceding two. Either would work to help time things out.

What if I don't want to be/poised, and solemn, and serious/all the time,/like a rock?

The same applies here as in the above stanza, with the following corollary: remove all the time. I feel this line does nothing for your poem, and it breaks the flow slightly, and prevents your stanzas from being perfectly parallel.

I know there is honor in dignity,/and I recognize -/it is right to look at the face of all
things/and not trick myself/or run away.

Reconsider the usage of the word "dignity." Dignity, pride, and courage have a tendency to blur together sometimes - and in this case, I think you are actually discussing courage. But that's just my opinion. Change "at" to "in" and remove "all," reading as follows: "it is right to look in the face of ~~all~~ things."

But what if I still have that yearning

You avoid the egregious "p"s with excellent care - and then this line. Remove "that" - it just takes up space - and make "yearning" present tense. "But what if I still yearn so" is one way of rewriting it.

What if I have a strange desire/to be the small, soiled, and passionate one -

"soiled," I think, is poor diction. I would suggest replacing this with something more evocative, or just removing it altogether.

one with no past/and no future/who runs till the breath leaves her body/and falls, with laughter in her mouth/and heart?

Remove "and" in the second line - you can vary your timing, still remaining consistent and fluid, without the conjunction.

"Leaves" is a generic verb. "departs," "removes," "exits," and anything else a good thesaurus can otherwise suggest, I would prefer - but "leaves" feels limp.

The reference to laughter is obtuse. Or I am obtuse. Regardless, there is something obstinate preventing a good connection between your poem and this reader, and it lives in the laughter.

What to do when that eerie want hits me?/How to fight if it questions my pose?

Stanzas flow and move quite well everywhere above, but then they find a logjam waiting at the end. I love the idea of your ending; but you can elaborate on the execution. In your beginning line, for instance, you introduce your subject late, and with a passive voice. More active voice will draw the reader into your conclusion better. E.g.; "What shall I do, when that eerie want hits me". Also, the second line (and this may be an artistic choice; of which poetry does merit some technically incorrect for the sake of beauty) is not a complete sentence.

Can I say I've got it all measured?/Can I tell it I'm certain I'm right?

These two clauses are clunky; difficult; full of "haves" "gots" "its" and "ams." Too many conjufations of to be; somewhat repetitive structure; and I dislike the usage of "it" as something capable of comprehension in the second line. Where is this "it"'s antecedent?

/Can I utter that although I've forgotten/how to laugh - it's no trouble,/for we aren't here to laugh/but to build ourselves into mountains/and for that, I need to be strong/and I need to hold still?

Remove "that," "it's," "for;" expand the contraction of "aren't" to accommodate the lost syllable. Read: "Can I utter although I've forgotten/how to laugh - no trouble,/we are not here to laugh." Also, cleaning your structure like this reveals a deeper semantic problem: your second and third lines are somewhat nonsequiturs from the first.

And ending with a question mark is a convoluting move. You have a sentence-strong second half, so you should start a new sentence to more fully conclude (and to bring the question mark back to the question, clarifying its association).

Overall
This is a beautiful poem; however, there is certainly some clarity to be desired, and some sentence structure is confusing or plain wrong. Altogether, I love your idea - as I said already - and you have a decent execution, but execution is where you fall short from greatness.
The last two lines can be rethought, I think, to remove some conjunctions and to be made more active and firm - firmness is significant to a good conclusion - and otherwise you've a winsome job done.

~Skorlir

skorlir says...

Looking back on this review is strange.
"A winsome job." What a strange conclusion.
It is, nonetheless, still an excellent poem. My critiques seem foisted; bearing on the ocean, ignoring how it interacts with the shore.
It's a good poem. No "clarity to be desired" here. So strange I would say that.

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Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:30 am

bandgeek101 wrote a review...

Lovely. This poem was definitely written from the heart, and I loved how you wrote it. The one thing I will comment on is the last stanza. It is out of lace in the poem, perhaps you can separated it into two stanzas, just for formatting. I flowed very well and your comparisons are very good. Loved it.

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Sat Mar 23, 2013 11:07 am

guineapiggirl wrote a review...

Awesome poem! Lovely poem!
In the description you said that you know what you want to say but you're not quite saying it. What i'm reading from this poem is someone who's fed up of always being really staid and swallowing their emotion and wants to "be the small, soiled, and passionate one" and run and fall and laugh and smile when she feels like it and cry when she feels like it too. I think this poem really explores that well and gets it across and I feel like this poem really puts into very nicely ordered words how I feel sometimes and I'm sure most people feel. So this is awesome and I think you've put across a message brilliantly, and if it's not the one you were aiming for well you've written an awesome poem by mistake!
Three little bits that need a touch of work I think:

"and I need to hold still?"

I don't like the question mark at the end of the poem. Question marks always feel strange at the end of a poem. I think it should just be a full stop and I think it would then be more powerful and emotionally pull at the reader and make them think, 'oh dear, this person is going to carry on being strong like a mountain'. rather than end a little weakly. I think just that slight change of punctuation could have an awesome effect

The next thing is a typo:

"But what of I still have a yearning etc." I'm thinking if not of?

The last thing is the massive amount of questions in the last stanza. While I love the way she is questioning everything I think it gets a bit much and a bit repetitive. Maybe wording some of the questions in different orders instead of them all starting with can? THis is just a little thing though because there's nothing else to pick on and it's fine as it is!

I love this poem. I particularly like the relating to nature; rocks, icicles, mountains. It's awesome.
I really like the way this poem talks about how we need to be weak sometimes and let it all out, not keep everything pent up inside because that's not healthy.
this is a great poem! please tell me when you post more stuff

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Sat Mar 23, 2013 12:30 am

BrokenSkye wrote a review...

Okay, so first thing is first, I have no clue what I just read. You jumped around without any transitioning, or at least that is how I feel. Another thing is your formatting, you are so close to perfection and I have confidence you can do it! The one thing that I noticed was that you separated a line that should have been one.

"all the time,
like a rock"

It would look a lot better like this:

"all the time, like a rock."

And also there should be a separation to a new stanza after that line. See the way I read my poetry and other's is by pausing at the end of each line to make sure it sounds fine before moving to the next one. There should also be a break right before the "But what if...." It would make your work look neater.

I find punctuation to be important, some disagree though. Your first three lines were absolutely incredible! I also loved the last three lines, they held so much power and feeling that you need to let out through out the whole poem!

Please don't take this as rude, I just want to see you do better because you have the potential to be amazing all the way through! I really hope to see more, improved, work from you in the future! You found yourself a new follower!

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Fri Mar 22, 2013 12:23 pm

GrapeNerd says...

Personally, I find nothing wrong. It's quite nice.

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