z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Righting this Life

by XheidiXhohoX


Drakes only priority was to make his movements smooth and graceful as he left the house that night. He had to be unnoticed or it would be all over. Just thinking of what may come made his heart race, body shake in anticipation. His legs felt weak as he pushed open the back door on his grandparents screened in porch, closing the door silently behind him. He was out, he moved quickly through the humid night air to where he had his bike sitting, leaningagainsthis grandfathersprizeprocession, a 1969Plymouthroad runner. Its sky blue paint was worn and chipped and its rust showed prominently, still his grandfather loved that car none the less. He grabbed his bike and jumped on it after getting a running start up his steep driveway.

He could hear the tires smashing rocks and feel every bump in the road as he pedaled aggressively down the dark country road. There wasn't a car in sight and he could see every star in the night sky. His heart was racing and his palms were wet inside his tight leather gloves. The back pack on his shoulders was light, only a couple things he knew would come in handy,he had planned it through and through, over and over.

The scenarios ran through his head of what may happen, theconsequences and the repercussions but he knew what he had to do. Run. Far away is where he wanted to be and he intended to get there, no matter what. He pedaled and pedaled chopping through night air numbing his sweaty face, He could feel the burn in his calves but now wasn't the time for a break. He glanced down at his digital watch as it glowed the green number 2:30. He was behindschedule but he would make up for it as he pedaled harder, sweat dripping down his forehead into his eyes now. He wiped it away over and over till he could make out street lights in the distance, Waverly Hall. A smallquainttown in Georgia, nothing special to the untrained eye, but this is the only place he could remotely remember happiness. He passed his and didn't even turn his head to look back and say goodbye. He was focused and clear minded. He had to say goodbye, it was the only thing that made sense anymore

Slowing his pedaling as he turned into the parking lot and glided behind the white brick building where there were no street lights. He drifted his bike into the woods behind thedumpstersand left it. His breathing was heavy and the sweat poured from his head. He couldn't even tell now if his legs were shaky from the 6 mile ride or fear. Maybe it wasn't fear he was feeling, but he was already in to deep to turn around and go back home. It was time. He dropped his book bag softly on the pitch black asphalt and leaning his steaming foreheadagainstthe cool brick. He listened. The sound of tree frogscroakingand crickets singing filled his ears. He listened hard for quite awhile, just staring at the painted brick, pinpointing every sound in his vicinity. He couldn't hear cars, not a human around.

He made a quick glance at his watch that was glowing 3:15, he made his move slowly around the left of the building. He glided confidently towards the single barredwindow. He grabbed the bars and tried to move them. There was defidently play in the bars and he had just what he needed. He turned normally towards the back and returned to his book bag. Grabbing his two precious tools, a screwdriver and a hammer. Walking back around the building he toke deep breathes to keep himself a float over jello legs. He chipped at concrete around the bolts for onlyminutes, timing every hit of the hammer with the sound of the crickets chirping around him.

Drake dropped his tools quietly onto the grass by his feet and gave the window one sharp tug, yanking the two bottom bolts free from the concrete. He grabbed the tools at his feet and moved onceagainaround back to grab his last tool. His grandfathers crowbar. He wedged it in-between the concrete and the bars, thrusting the bars up with his legs. bending and warping the metal toexposethe window at last. He returned to the back to return the crowbar and at that moment decided to rest his bodyagainstthe back wall this time, and listened. Just listened, no thoughts ofconsequencesran through his head anymore. The hardest part was over. He wiped the sweat off his forehead once more and proceeded to the window again. The lock was broken already and he knew that so he just pushed it open with thelittlestof efforts. He grabbed the window sile with his leather covered palms and jumped just high enough to use his stomach to roll him over and through it. hands landing on the ugly patterned tile feet sliding in afterwards silently. It was a singletoiletbathroom with nothing but small sink with a cracked fogged mirror just barely hanging on the wall above it. The full moon outside just gave him enough light to glimpse himself in the mirror walking past. He saw nothing but his shadowed eyes and the hints of a smirk on his face. He was in, not in his daydreams but in real life. He had finally done it.

He opened the door fluently and closed it behind him as he entered the wood floored hallway leading directly to the main desk. He didn't move his eyes from that peg board on the wall. The shiny keys gleaming in his eyes, and those bright yellow tags hanging with them. He felt his smirk twitch, smiling bigger and bigger. He read the tag once "1994 fordexpedition". He had them in his pocket now. Turning sharply towards the bathroomagain, leaving the way he came in. He had done it, free at last.


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User avatar
378 Reviews


Points: 3775
Reviews: 378

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Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:19 pm
Omni wrote a review...



Here to review!

My name is Quest, and I will be reviewing this piece for you today! First of all, welcom to YWS! I hope you stay here for a very, very long time! Well, it's Review Day, and your piece is in the Green Room, so what better than to do a review on you? Nothing, I say, nothing! So, let's get to the review portion of the review, shall I? I shall, of course.

Drakes


So, in the very first line, I see grammatical errors. That being so, and, while skimming this over seeing more, I will not comment on them anymore. I will just say this: Please proofread it! This will do many things, like allow you to make changes where you see fit on the piece and it will make it easier to read on us and look better for you. Typoes are the worst, and often they're easy to miss, but there is quite a lot on this page.

only a couple things he knew would come in handy


This sentence sounds weird. I don't know what is wrong with it, but it doesn't flow very well. Maybe consider rewording it?

He was behindschedule but he would make up for it as he pedaled harder, sweat dripping down his forehead into his eyes now. He wiped it away over and over till he could make out street lights in the distance, Waverly Hall.


This, and a couple of things before, seem somewhat childish in their wording, for lack of a better term. They're all basic. This hasn't been the case earlier, or later in your story, so why is it like that at this part? Change it! It was so good until that part.

I like it! Although the descriptions are a little basic, it was a good story, and I hope you write more!

Just a reminder, take all of what us, as reviewers, say as a grain of salt. This is your work first and foremost, and always remember that. You can take mine or other's advice, but in the end, it is yours to do with what you will.

I hope this helped you,
Quest




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67 Reviews


Points: 610
Reviews: 67

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Sun Mar 31, 2013 10:07 am
Auxiira wrote a review...



-Hey XheidiXhohox (wow that's a lot of x's)! Auxiiira here to review!

I pick stuff up as I go along, so if I repeat stuff, just ignore it!

-

grandparents screened in porch

You need an apostrophe after grandparents as it belongs to them, and I don't know whether you need to put "screened in". For someone like me, who doesn't know what you mean by that, it can be a little confusing!

-
leaningagainsthis grandfathersprizeprocession, a 1969Plymouthroad runner

You need to put some spaces in there and I'm not really sure why there's a link... You do this quite a bit. I don't know whether it's a formatting error or not, but maybe go through and correct that.

-
still his grandfather loved that car none the less

Maybe put "but" instead of "still". It flows a little better

-
repercussions but he knew what he had to do.

Maybe: "the repercussions of what he had to do"
I don't know, it just sounds a little better...

-
Far away is where he wanted to be
"away was where..."

-
He pedaled and pedaled chopping through night air numbing his sweaty face,
You need a comma after the second pedalled and maybe after numbing, just so the sentence reads properly. I don't know if you've ever heard it, but here we say that commas save lives.
For example: "Time to eat grandma" is definitely not the same as "Time to eat, grandma". See it saves lives^^
I also think, seeing as afterwards there is a capital letter, you need a full-stop after face.

-
smallquainttown
Spaces and a comma after small

-Try to mix up your sentences and not always start them them with "He".
He made a quick glance at his watch that was glowing 3:15, he made his move slowly around the left of the building. He glided confidently towards the single barredwindow. He grabbed the bars and tried to move them. There was defidently play in the bars

"He glanced quickly at his watch which glowed "3:15" back at him, then made his move slowly around the left of the building. Gliding confidently towards the single barred window, he grabbed the bars and tried to move them. There was definitely some play in them..." See? It makes slightly longer sentences, but you don't always start with "He"

-You miss out possessive apostrophe's a bit and maybe need to review your sentence structure a bit, but otherwise, it's a really imaginative and interesting story! Is there a second part, because we get that he's stolen something, but we don't know why. If there isn't a second part, then maybe think about adding some bits in so we can understand a little better.

All in all, I really like this!
Hope this helped and keep on writing!
Auxiira^^





You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling