Young Writers Society

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would first like to begin by saying this poem is amazingly well-written and holds a message within the words of this poem (I think). Plus this reminds me of a dream i had once too.

A few nitpickings:

In the darkness I lie Change to In the darkness , I lie. Also change -lie to -lay (jst a thought, but you don't have to do it.)

And took them to the yard Maybe change -took, to -carried since it sounds more descriptive (in a sense).

picked them up Since we have no idea who -them might be, maybe change -them to -picked the stars up or something similar to that.

Also i believe that most poems have some good part like this one. I like the internal rhyme that is in the poem which could create a beat like a drumbeat or a heartbeat. Also the imagery in this poem is amazing since you can see the starless night or the stars going into the sky, shining brightly as ever.

Farewell,
CapitalMonday

Hey there, Scarlet here to review!

I thought this was a beautiful poem that told a story.

I do have a few nitpicks though:

-I think you could've shortened the poem by making the lines longer.

Example:

I had a dream

I went outside

And collected all the stars.

I had a dream, I went outside and collected all the stars.

Am I the only one who thought this would be about racism? #MLKJ I have a dream speech anyone?
Sorry, besides that, I thought this was good. Nitpicks:
In small clear glass jars.
Comma between small and clear (two adjectives in a row)
Sky and night don't really rhyme, so maybe try to find something better for that.
Neither do jars and yard.
Wide and sky.....hmmm...
Content:
I thought this was really well written, with a great concept. It's sweet, how the narrator gives back the stars for others to see instead of keeping them for him/herself to light up their own life. I really liked how you told it.
However, some parts get a bit repetitive. You repeat the sky a lot, which is kind of inevitable, but it just started to drag for me at some parts.
Really, though, I would by lying if I didn't say I loved this poem. I totally understand why it's featured.
Overall rating: 8.5/10
+1

I don't know enough about poems to write a review on the technical stuff. But you did really well!

The flow and beat is perfect. It's fantasy but sensible. Simple, elegant, sweet. It has a storyline, and a morale. It's very nice!! You did really good on the whole thing in general and I'll be following you so that I don't miss anything!!

9.2/10

I loved this poem! I love the imagery that you used - it was really great to help with the details. It was so simple and a great little thing too read. Okay that came out weird, but whatever, its the truth. I didm't really find anything that you need to fix. Only thing was that I was a little confused on the whole some sentences had comma's, and yet some didn't.. That's really all I have to say, I guess.

Great poem retrodisco66!

Your imagery and word choice was spot on. You had a few grammatical errors though which is fine since no piece is perfect. I'm just going to correct them if you feel different feel free to chat me.

So I went inside.

picked them up

I had a dream

I went outside

I had a dream where

I went outside

There was nothing,

Just dark blue

And clear starless sky

I see those stars

Lighting up the sky.

Hi..
When I started reading this I noticed it wasn't in the same vein as most of the other works I have read by you. The language was very basic and didn't sound at all like you'd written it XD

I had a dream

I went outside

And collected all the stars.

And locked them up

In small clear glass jars.

And danced so daintily.

Then one day

I went outside

And looked up in the night.