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Chapter One: Rewrite

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Sun Nov 06, 2011 4:59 am
Soulkana says...



Spoiler! :
Alright y'alls! Rip it to shreds like the little vultures I know you guys can be XD

Chapter one
Tree limbs rustle in the wind, distracting my attention from the triplet of moons hang in the sky. Upon the frozen ground their illuminate beams cast eery shadows as I reach up to tuck a loose lock of hair behind my hair and out of my eyes. I allow my eyes to linger for a last gaze upon the perfect image of the moons. The branch I sit perched upon wobbles unsteadily as the wind begins to pick up. I conclude it wold be wise to go inside and hop off the limb with a regretful sigh.
Crunch. Crunch.
The sound of ice and snow giving in under my weight echoes through the silent night. Legs almost buckling I stagger forward a few steps to gain balance. Iron hot pain rips through my back as warm blood drips down to the white blanketed earth. Glancing around me as I begin a slow advancement towards the front door, I couldn’t shake the oppressive sensation clutching at my heart.
The door is just a few feet in front of me. I stand back for a few minutes to drink in the satisfaction racing through my veins. Soon,’ I thought. ‘Soon my vengeance shall be fulfilled.’ Eyes glisten in the moons’ glow as I walk slowly to the door. Each step in sync with the rapid beating of my heart.
I take in the front door with a slight frown. Never before had my visions been so clear. So real. Shivers race up my spine as the biting wind chills my already frozen flesh. Swallowing back my unease I reach for the doorknob. Cold iron sears my fingers as my talent brings me back into its spell.
The sound of a child’s laughter floats through the hallway and I conclude that it was that of a boy. However, the faint breathing of another freezes me in midst of the hallway. ‘There is another? Who could it be? The parents left the child alone...’ My thoughts race through me. I peek around the edge of the doorway clamping down my rising panic.
The child laughing was indeed a boy but my eyes lock onto the girl in the room. A newborn tucked in her arm, she spins around in a dance. Whispers of an old song fall from her mouth as the baby drifts into sleep. My eyes widen. The girl for just a moment turns into my darling Melissa. Yet she’s not.’ I firmly scold my mind as the girl sets the baby within the crib.
She limps over to the fireplace. Eyes scrutinizing her movements I notice bruises decorating her legs. As she prods the red ashes to rekindle the flames I could see faint hand prints on her thighs. The kimono, I note, was in desperate need of changing. It’s ragged cloth hardly covers her legs. It halts just a few inches below her waist and with a frown I watch her sibling’s interaction.
“Go make me something to eat.” The boy sneers as she uses her sleeve to wipe off the mantel of the fireplace. She must’ve seen something I rationalize but from where I stand there wasn’t anything to be cleaned.
A scowl darkens her face as she turns to face the boy. “No. You’re old enough to make your own food. You’re freaking six, Damien.”
“But you’re the Fyrak, not me.” Damien snarls the offending word he just used catches me off guard.
“Just because he considers me a slave doesn’t mean I’m going to submit.”
“Fine, I’ll tell Grandpa myself.” The boy leaves the room without looking back.
Not caring she had probably just gotten herself into deep trouble, the girl wanders over to the bookshelf. Fingers running along the spine almost lovingly she reaches up to grasp a book a shelf too high. I step forward to help when I catch sight of blood trailing down her legs and the obvious pain in her eyes. Yet the tiny flare of magic spiking from her halts me in my tracks as I watch, awed, as the book lands in her hands. The welcoming scent of mint and freshly melted snow wafts through the air as she turns to face her sister.
Summoning my own magic I ask her, “Do you want a way out of this hell, girl?” My eyes trail her movements as she gently strokes the baby’s face, eyes glittering with love.
“Why would I seek the help of a stranger?” She coldly asks while pushing the blanket securely around the infant as I turn away. Heart heavy with grief over her reasonable rejection.

“I don’t want to stay with them!” Damien’s voice breaks the vision I had been listening to. A slight frown adorns my face as I ponder on how I arrived at the dining room entrance. Stepping forward to get a better look, I watch my parents and brother with a veiled distaste.
Mother kneels beside him as she rearranges his clothes. Sweeping a hand through his red hair she croons, “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure those girls don’t come near you. Just stay in here for mom, okay?” Her eyes narrow at me as if saying to leave.
He nods before laughing at Father. His hands tuck at his sleeve as I turn away. ‘One happy family.’ My eyes swim with tears as I begin to climb the stairs leading to my room. Fingers trailing the wall trim I stumble on the uneven flooring with a muffled curse echoing the desolate hallway. Laying there with my head resting on top the carpet I wearily ponder why I had tripped when I knew this flooring so well. I could feel the blood seeping from the newly opened scars lining my back and legs and with a heavy sigh I pull myself back up.
Just a few more feet. Come on, you can rest then!’ Legs shake as I lean to the side. My shoulder supported by the wall I glance at my ancestor’s painting just a little ways before me. Behind said portrait lay my room, the only escape from those family members downstairs.
“Hello, Nastusia.” Raven smiles at me as I finally stop in front of her portrait.
“May I enter please, madam?” I plead, glancing behind me as their faint laughter reaches my ears for a second time.
“No need to be so formal, child. If you’re looking for a place to rest then you’re always welcome here.” Raven states as she moves the portrait backwards.
Entering the room without fear I thank the elderly woman as she closes the passageway behind me. I smile while looking around the room. Nothing had been disturbed in my week’s absence.
My eyes search the room for the box. Flicking on the lights in order to see the far side of the room I spot it just on top of the window seat. Making my way carefully around the tall stacks of books I press my hand tightly against the throbbing shoulder. Reaching out to grasp one of the strips of cloth my hand stains the fabric red as I wrap the various cuts with my dwindling stash torn clothes. Tying the last cloth around my ankle I take time to admire the still glowing moons despite the mid-morning time. Wounds now bound I turn back to face the room.
The ancient circle etched in the center of the room begins to glow faintly. The feather stuffed bed in the far corner begins to appear more inviting as I stumble painfully over towards it. Another vision snatches hold of me just a mere two steps away from the tempting mattress.
Pain grips my body as I scream. My strength leaves me with each toss of the blades. I huddle in a corner as far from him and his special blades. The ones he reserves just for me. Another blade embeds itself into my shoulder yet I push myself to my feet. Staggering, I look into the darkness where he would be. When I displeased him he would always stay in one spot. Instinctively I knew fighting back is futile but nothing could curb my defiance as I sneer at him, “Soon I will be free from you, grandfather.”
“And how long will that be, girl? You’re already eighteen.” He walks into the dimly lit dungeon chamber room and my body shrinks away at sight of his smoldering eyes.
I step back as his hand reaches out to touch my face. My boldness causes the black eyes to harden. Cold hands grasp hold of my wrists with bruising strengths, hindering any attempt to claw free. Arranging his hold so his left grips both of my skinny wrists in one he presses his body against mine, forcing my back into the wall behind me. “There is no escape for you.” The whisper in my ear echoes in my mind as his free hand teases the folds of my now threadbare kimono.

Pulling free from the vision I stare down at the bed with an unreadable expression. ‘Why did it show something that’s already happened?’ I wonder as I take a seat on the bed’s edge.
Maybe it has to do with the other one?’ I hear Ciarán murmur as I pick at the loose threads of the quilt.
Perhaps.’ I close my eyes and drift asleep with the decision to figure it out later.

~-~-


I eye the house with a hint of anticipation. They would not get away with their crime. The gate creaks loudly as I open it. Freezing, I take a suspicious glance around me before easing my way to the back door. All I had to do now is wait. I smirk as the mother assures her son that they would be back and frown slightly when she speaks of them. ‘Other children?’ I wonder but then again they never told the nobles of any other children except for their precious Damien. Still doubting I reflect back on the last noble gathering the two attending in hopes of catching anything off.

“Hello, Lady Redmoon. How are you fairing?” I question the petite woman before me with a courteous smile. Inside, though, my heart burns with loathing as she turns to face me with the same eyes as my daughter. Such cruel irony I muse as her voice breaks my thoughts.

“I am doing well, Lord Darkcasta. It is marvelous to see you have awakened.”

“It appears the nobles have become more..arrogant since I took such a short rest.” My words cause her to flinch while I revel in feeling her discomfort. It was only right. My eyes darken as she fakes sympathy at my grief.

“I am truly sorry for the loss of your wife and daughter. Your daughter was only three, yes?” Eyes glimmer with satisfaction as my hand nearly shatters the delicate wineglass in my grip as anger swells through me.

“And you, madam? Do you have any children other than your son?” I inquire hotly making her flinch. Was she hiding something?

“No, my lord. All I have is Damien. He’s nine now.”

“Ah, I hope he is doing well then, milady. For now, please excuse me, several guests seem to need me.” I excuse myself gracefully as I leave the woman behind.

‘Do you think he knows?” Lady Redmoon whispers to her husband with a trace of fear in her voice.

“Don’t worry so much, Asinga. There’s no chance he could have possibly heard of the girls.” He reassures her and I could feel his eyes on my back as I walk over to one of the nearby nobles.

She must’ve lied. There has to be others.’ I decide while the woman heads up the stairs. I creep closer to the door, wanting to learn more about these hidden children.

“Mom, more?” A small girl pleads as the sound of footsteps on wood comes through the wall as I take the time to sneak into the window above my head.

Hiding in the shadows I watch as the mother glances up from her preparation of something to look at a small three year old girl. Small eyes search the woman’s annoyed face as her hands push a bowl closer to her.

“Fine, but you better promise not to give any to her.” Lady Redmoon hisses as she takes the bowl to the counter to place several fruits inside.

I watch the little girl grin impishly before she quickly nods as her mother hands it over. Grasping it in her hands the child flees the room with laughter. I turn my attention to Asinga who finishes the salad and leaves the room, shouting, “Damien!”

I wait for the sound of footsteps and the voices of the parents and boy fade. Opening the door I hear the mother shouting goodbye to the boy as the little girl waits eagerly for the door to shut. Curious to what she’d do, I step closer out of the kitchen. The door closes and the girl runs up the stairs, calling, “‘usia! Mom no he’e.”

‘Another sibling?” I mumble under my breath as I follow behind the child who stops just in front of the portrait. As the child creeps inside I smile lightly at my descendant who keeps the portrait open long enough for me to slip in whispering softly, “Do not startle them.”

I enter the room and my eyes taken in the obsessively clean room with a slight grimace. Whoever took care of this room surely did not like dirt. I conclude before spotting the small girl staring at the bed in the center as if torn between leaving the occupant alone or to wake her. I focus my attention on the girl and for the first time since arriving forgets the reason I came. Instead fury sweeps through me at sight of the ridiculously thin girl resting upon the mattress. ‘That can’t possibly be a bed!’ I reject the possibility as the girl stirs.

~-~-


The faint footsteps interrupt my peaceful sleep and with a sigh I open my eyes. Face to face with Aydan I flinch and scoot away. Heart racing I stammer out, “Aydan, why are you here?”
My younger sister pushes a bowl of fruit to me with sad eyes. ‘Great now you made her upset.’ I grumble to myself while offering her a smile.
“Mom give food.” She grins.
Somehow I doubt that Mother actually allowed her to give me such a thing and after voicing it to her I realize just what she’d reply. Aydan scrambles up onto the bed and wraps her tiny arms around my waist responding with sparkling eyes.
“She no say couldn’t share.”
I chuckle at her and carefully inspect the pieces of fruit. Despite the fact I knew my mother wouldn’t poison Aydan yet, I couldn’t ignore the instincts that kept me alive and with one last test I pick up one of the pineapples. Aydan smiles at me while taking another before asking me, “No Israel?”
“He’s sick. So his mother...came to pick him up.” I force out. My eyes narrow at the thought of the woman that dropped off the boy a mere few hours after birth, ordering that I was to care for him. Despite this she had been so willing to snatch him back when he got sick.
Aydan stays silent as I take the chance to scoop her up. Leaving the bowl on the bed I found myself unable to resist the urge to sing. Holding her close I begin to dance just like I had done when she was younger. Her hands tighten around my neck as she asks, “Mom?”
My heart skips a beat at that word. “Don’t let Mother hear you call me that, Aydan. She won’t like it.”
Aydan remains silent and with the silence begins to voice the lyrics on my tongue.
“The runes of old
Stopping time and
Speaking futures
intricate complexity
Bound in symbols
of cryptic powers.”
With each line I grew closer to the circle. Closer to the power it burns me with. Just as my foot touches the outer rim of runes a voice behind me speaks up, startling both of us, “Powerful girl you are, Madam Darkcasta.”

~-~-

Unable to resist it any longer I decide to make my presence known to the Kiyoraka child standing amidst the protection rune.She turns to face me with a mixture of fear and recognition. Slightly confused on why recognition would be on her face but as she moves to shield her sister I could feel my eyes widening. Why would she protect her sister when she is the one? I ponder as she snarls at me.
“What do you want!?”
I wince slightly before conceding my original purpose, “I am here for revenge.”
She tilts her head with a peculiar look at me before stating calmly, “My parents wronged you somehow? So what innocent did they kill for their agenda this time, sir?”
I raise an eyebrow in surprise. So she knew her parents’ side. “They killed my wife and daughter.” My hands tighten under my cloak sleeve at the memory.
With sympathetic eyes she nods before stroking her sister’s hair. The little girl holds up her arms with an imploring gaze causing the other to smile warmly. “I’m sorry my parents caused you such pain.” The apology comes out in a muffle as she picks up Aydan.
Now wondering just why her parents didn’t seem to want to show the world the two beautiful children before me, I ask, “So why do your parents not want the world to see you?”
Her body stiffens. I watch her eyes begin to smolder before she tartly snaps, “They’re fools. They want Damien. They never wanted us girls. Nor do they want me to ruin their plans.” Her face speaks of a haunting past that makes me wince.
“Do you want a way out?” I ask cryptically.
She looks up with confusion that mirrors my own inner shock. Why had I asked that? I came here for revenge not give help to a child! But I knew even as she nods that she was no ordinary child. No, the power lurking in her meant only one thing.
“Why would you a complete stranger be willing to help a girl whose parents you are so keen on getting revenge with?”
Amusement plays in my eyes. Of course she would want to know my reasons. “It would be amusing to see why they loose when they realize twenty years from now the mistake they can never fix? Why kill that stupid child when you having a happy life will rip them deeper?” I question.
She smiles darkly at the thought. Eyes glowing with anticipation she breathes, “And is that the only reason?”
“Such a marvelous child.’ I compliment her in silent approval. “No child should be abused.” I shortly points out, eyes taking in her wounds and the obvious tension in the way air around her.
I watch amethyst eyes lower to the floor and moves on. “It’s rare for a child to be born to Ancients. Many parents give birth several children and those that do not have the ability to pass the line are killed. But for children such as the two of you or any child to be hurt because of such a foolish reason is ruthless. You are special child. Many families out there would be happy to have a child. That includes me.” I truthfully finish, watching her reaction.
“What will happen if I choose to accept?” Her eyes scan my body as I move in closer. I enter the circle and she takes a step back, eyes narrowing with distrust.
“The easiest way is to fulfill my offer is by using my magic to place a mark on you. The mark will be unique to your own personality and when the time comes and you truly have decided to leave it will give you the words to bring me to you.”
She sets the girl on the bed, refusing to look up as she traces the child’s face with an indescribable emotion. Finally, she turns back to me and nods in acceptance of my offer. Somewhat surprised, I ask, without control, “Why do you trust me?”
“Anything to survive these retched parents.” The cold reply comes, her fingers twists a makeshift bandage tighter before she meets my gaze with harsh eyes.
“Why don’t they just throw you out if they hate you so much?” I trace the rune upon her arm as the question slips from my mind and into the air. The muscles in her arm tense and I could hear the irregular breathing as she bows her head. Long blonde hair covers her arm and I found myself having difficulty finishing the rune.
Just as I brush the strands away her soft reply reaches my ears, “If I were to be found by one of their enemies...” The sentence lingers in the air unanswered as she notes with a sly smile, “I guess it’s irony for them. By locking me inside they attempted to prevent the others from using me yet here you are. An enemy they have feared and oh so willingly I am to follow a path where the only pain is losing what’s left.” Her voice turns almost sad near the end as the rune glows brightly.
Hand shields her eyes as it dims to reveal her mark. She tilts her head at it and I chuckle at the design. Of course it would be the healer’s mark. I watch her trail the elegant three moons with tears clouding her eyes as the white tiger stretches out upon them before opening its eyes. Violet meats violet and she lets a small smile grace her lips.
I stiffen as she tentatively steps closer, wrapping her arms around my waist. Taken aback by the sudden gesture I set my hands on her shoulders just as her muffled thank you interrupts my thoughts. Taking a step back I begin to speak when the door downstairs opens and Lady Redmoon’s voice breaks through the strained silence.

~-~-

“Girl! Get down here!” My mother’s furious voice reaches my room. Stepping back from this man I reluctantly move towards the door.
But my eyes travel to the bed where Aydan sleeps peacefully and I linger where I stand. Torn between leaving her alone with this man and waking her I glance at the two with a deep frown. Did I really trust my sister’s well being to this man whose intentions were to make my parents suffer? But if he had wanted to he could’ve killed the two of us instead of just offering advice. Struggling to make a decision I’m broken out of them as the man finally guesses my hesitation.
“You do not wish to leave your sister alone?” His violet eyes nails my concern in one guess and I found myself nodding.
“You wanted to hurt my parents...how do I know you won’t kill her the minute I step out?” I finally demand, despite the small part of me saying he would not.
Lips curling into a smile, he calmly pulls from his pocket a rune dagger. Instinctively I move to protect her when he slowly cuts a small rune in his arm. “I promise that I won’t intentionally hurt your sister ever. Nor those close to you.”
My eyes scan the rune now etched into his skin with faint recognition. More at ease I nod just as Mother’s voice thunders from just outside the portrait entrance, “Nastusia, get out of there now!”
Shakily I walk over to the door. Quickly I turn and ask, “What’s your name, sir?”
“I am Takeshi Darkcasta.” He says just as I open the door to face the angry stature of Lady Redmoon.
“Go and make dinner now. Your grandfather will be joining us so make sure to be...civil.” She sneers as I brush past her without apology as she stumbles.
Entering the kitchen I hear grandfather, Asyian’s, voice from the dining room and shudder. I grasp hold of the counter, trembling, as the sensation of fingers trailing down my chest. The hand print bruises tingle as his voice grows louder, closer. I push away the memories that threaten to take over and slowly pull out a few eggs and rice just as I hear Mother’s voice telling Asyian of Damien’s achievements.
I focus my attention on carefully cracking the eggs, being extra mindful of stray shell fragments before setting the bowl aside. Turning the burner on I gather several pans just as Father comes in with an impatient scowl.
“When will you be done, Fyrak?” He growls behind me and my grip on the rice nearly slips.
“Give me twenty minutes, sir.” I force out, not looking up from the pan as I place the rice and egg into separate pans.
“Very well.”
The door slams shut behind him and I breathe a sigh of relief. With a careful eye on the food I move to pull out plates in order to set the table. The twenty minutes quickly pass and just as the door opens I place the finished meal on the table.
“Has she been...respectful?” Asyian questions as I wipe off the stove, ignoring every desire to run from the room. To get as far from him as I could.
“She’s been better.” Mother coolly puts in her thoughts as his eyes follow my movements.
I could hear Damien’s sudden low, dark chuckle before I was able to react. Just as I cross the area behind him he fakes accidentally spilling the juice. My eyes widen as the dark red stain grows on Mother’s favorite table cloth with dread. I make to leave the room when Damien’s high pitched whine stops me cold, “I’m sorry, Mom! She bumped into me!”
My face turns deathly pale as the squeaking of wood against stone grates my ears. Before I could find the courage to run out Asyian whispers, his voice like a shout in the eery quiet room. “Girl, you just don’t know when to stop, do you?”
I turn towards him as he nears. Unable to find the words to speak up I watch helplessly as his hand tightens around my wrist. “I’ll make sure that you learn one way or another.” The heartless whisper rings in my mind as he forcefully drags me from the room, not glancing back as mother and father hastily clean up the mess. Too preoccupied they were that no one notices the raven perches just on top the cabinet. Its dark eyes watch me leave and somehow I felt my strength increase. Down into the dungeon, where nightmares were more like dreams. I shiver at the dark glint in grandfather’s eyes.
Last edited by Soulkana on Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:10 pm, edited 5 times in total.
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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Sun Nov 06, 2011 8:19 am
Avalon says...



This is really great I honestly can't find anything wrong with this story, the character's are great starting out here. And I would love to read more and hopefully see what happens next, but all and all I would love to see a lot more of this posted Great Job.

Sincerly, your friend.

MasterLHeart
Whether it be a madman or mastermind, I have played the roles of many. I played the dashing hero, the victim, and evil villain. I am how you treat me, your greatest ally or your worst nightmare.

So I ask you, will you serve in Heaven or Rule in Hell?

Join!




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Mon Nov 07, 2011 5:22 pm
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Adriana says...



*-*
I love it, Soul!!
Seriously, it is amazing!! I love love love love love it!
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.


"This is calm, and it's doctor!" (My DR. Reid -- Best line ever)




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Tue Nov 08, 2011 4:06 am
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MariaRowlands says...



O_O' WOW is all that I can say.
Maria Rowlands
Ice Princess|Let It Go|Don't Let Them In, Don't Let Them See|Conceal, Don't Feel




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Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:50 am
Evi says...



Hey Soulkana! First of all, I know this is NaNo, so IGNORE THIS until after November! The important thing now is to just keep writing, so don't even think about cleaning this up until you've written it all.

Overall Writing Style Suggestion #1

In general, I find this over-descriptive, bordering on purple prose. You're trying so hard to describe this scene in the most precise, luxurious measures possible, that it comes across as overkill. I imagine it being read aloud in a tortured and melodramatic whisper, which is a shame, because some of the description really is quite good-- it just needs to be used in smaller doses.

The opening paragraph, for example. First: kill your adverbs. "inquisitively," "longingly," and "carefully" can go first. (That's rule of fiction #376: when you need to cut something down, the adverbs are the first to go.) That leaves us with this:

The slight breeze of night caresses her face as deep, dark eyes stare at the three moons illuminating the ground. Back pressing against the trunk of the old oak , Nastusia watches the stars with a soft sigh escaping her. With regret crushing her heart, she stands up to move towards the window near the back of the house.


Now, which parts convey the same thing? A breeze, by definition, is a "slight wind," so the word "slight" can go. "Deep" and "dark" are generally cliched descriptions for eyes, so we can toss those as well-- and if we do that we might as well just say "she stares" since "her eyes stare" sounds funny. Since you mention that there are three moons (great world-building sneaked in there, by the way!) you can take away "of night" too, because moons = night.

Next sentence! For the sighing part, cut "soft" (all sighs are soft) and "escaping" (for a sigh to exist it has to escape its owner). Then remove the repetitiveness of two "with" prepositional phrases back-to-back by rewording some things. Finally, which eyes are staring? Hers, right? Add that pronoun to clarify. That brings us down to:

The breeze caresses her face as she stares at the three moons illuminating the ground. Back pressing against the trunk of the old oak , Nastusia watches the stars and sighs. With regret crushing her heart, she stands up to move towards the window near the back of the house.


This is cleaner, clearer, and in general a lot easier to process. I'm not going to go through word-by-word like this for the rest of the chapter, but do it yourself and find the phrases that are redundant, the unnecessary words, the superfluous descriptions. Your writing is If you're going to be flowery, use more original phrases!

Overall Writing Style Suggestion #2

Vary your sentence structure more. You like to start with "___ing" participle phrases often, but when you do the same thing a lot it begins to stick out to readers. For example:

Pushing open the door as it lets out an almost inaudible creak, I slip inside the ancient manor. Heart still racing with the thought of my goal, I take a step forward. As I cautiously advance upon the only room with light I stick along the walls, cloaking myself within the dark shadows looming within the dim hallways.

Nastusia looks at the hallway in slight confusion. Contemplating on how she got there, she notices the unusual movement of the shadows. Ears ringing with the sound of her heart beating she staggers a step closer to the room in time for the vision to grip hold, again.


Out of six consecutive sentences, four are structured the same way. I know it's fun to start like this (it adds a sort of suspense) it only works if you use it sparingly. You also like to use the "as she did this, this happened" formula. Every sentence should be different-- some very short, some super-long with two or three commas, some in the middle. Some should start with subjects, some with "___ing" words, some with prepositions. The important thing is to use all of them equally so it doesn't seem like you're falling into the same patterns.

Overall Comments

First suggestion-- and a big one! -- is to separate the visions from the narration! Use italics when she's having a vision so that readers can tell which is which. I had significant trouble following what was happening because it kept switching back and forth. That way you can also avoid awkward phrases like "she closes her eyes and allows it to slip within."

Besides that, cleaning up your writing will help immensely. I didn't even realize she was walking from outside into a house and to her room the first time I read it because of the all the words in between-- it took a second and third read (and a lot of focus) to really find the actions behind the words. Let your actions shine. If we don't understand what a character is doing because it's so disguised behind pretty phrases and emotions, there's no point.

As far as plot goes, it seems like a sort of Cinderella story now with a fantasy twist-- freaky magic girl is hated by her family, wishes she could escape but is afraid to, etc. Some of the abuse I find hard to believe-- if they hate her that much, why don't they just kick her out of the house? Why keep feeding her and giving her a home?

Also, make sure you know how the world works-- for example, you say most of the population due to creature inbreeding skip generations with the ability to have children" but you can't really skip generations for reproducing since, if your parents can't have kids, you don't exist, and therefore you can't have kids either. If there's a generation that can't have kids, the family line ends there completely. Think about it.

I think that's it! Your strong point seems to be world-building and fantasy, because you have some very interesting ideas here, just be sure you know how they all fit together, and keep your writing clean! I like where this is going. Keep writing, and PM me for anything.

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:39 pm
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sandayselkie says...



This is good. Creepy. There is the mystery around the guy, the sorrow around the girl and the hatred for the family. All adds to the build up. I really like your style.
"Live in the present, remember the past and fear not the future, for it doesn't exist and never shall. There is only now."
Saphira

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Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:43 pm
Avalon says...



This is great you've gotten better it was good before but this is better, a lot more detail is in this I can tell plus it gives you an eery feel to this which is good if thats what your going for. Honestl I don't think there's a need for further inporvement I believe your fine with this and that you should often try to write with as much detail, dialoge, and physical description as possible put everything that happens around the main character into the story, weather it be something that has nothing to do with the story to foreshadowing to later event's. I believe this chapter is done.

Your Friend,
MasterLHeart.
Whether it be a madman or mastermind, I have played the roles of many. I played the dashing hero, the victim, and evil villain. I am how you treat me, your greatest ally or your worst nightmare.

So I ask you, will you serve in Heaven or Rule in Hell?

Join!




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Fri Dec 02, 2011 10:57 pm
Kopaka says...



Very nice, I like it indeed. Can't wait for more! What time era does this take place?
"Fading, disappearing self...Eventually she had stopped being herself...She could not be harmed, so long as she was someone else..." -Baroquemonger




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Fri Dec 02, 2011 10:59 pm
Soulkana says...



Um....clothing wise it's near our age...and technology a little bit. Traditional wise its kind of old with the whole Matriarchy ruling and Nobles....It stands on its own I guess.
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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66 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:42 pm
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Adriana says...



Soul!
I don't think I can say much, except for... well, this is amazing, darling!
I loved the descriptions, they are absolutely breathtaking.
You did an amazing job here!!
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.


"This is calm, and it's doctor!" (My DR. Reid -- Best line ever)