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Casey Drowned



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Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:25 pm
mistielovesyou says...



Spoiler! :
A confession. I tried to write it in the right 'tone' I guess. Did I do that well?


“What’s all this about?”
“Nothing.” She said. She smiled all pretty-like, like this was all nothing. She’s a bitch. That’s what my mother’d call her.
“All right then.” Mrs. Turnblay looked around. Dammit, I knew that look. It’s the- “Where are your parents? You two should be headed inside.” -look.
Casey grabbed my hand and smiled big again, “Yep, we’re going. Bye!”
“Bye.” I said. She gripped my hand tighter.
“Okay then.” She watched us.
Casey grabbed my hand to pull us across the street and out of site. We ran up the porch stairs to her house and slammed the door shut behind us. When I opened it and looked back, the lady was gone.
Casey said, “In here.” She stepped back into her smelly house. Her mother cooks every night, and it always smells.
I turned to look at her, “Where is it?”
Casey twirled her thin red hair around a finger. She sighed and shrugged, “I told you Chris, I don’t have it.”
“Yes, you do. And I want it back!”
“Hello?” Her mom got up from the couch, “What is it?”
“Nothing!” I said.
“Ma, we’re just talking.” She turned to look at her mother.
Ms. Harris sat back down. “Hurry up,” She said, “You’ve got homework, I bet.”
“I know! I’ll get it later.” She said. And turned back to me. She puckered her lips and crossed her arms, “And if you don’t leave it alone, I’ll tell.”
My tiny fists clenched. My dad calls ‘em tiny all the time. He raises his fists at me and shakes it “This is a real fist.” He says.
“Don’t tell anyone!” I push Casey and she stumbles back but stands her ground.
“Don’t touch me.” She hisses back at me. She glances back at her mother and her eyes harden as she stares back at me.
“You give it back, and you keep your mouth shut.” I said.
“Kids! I’m watching TV! I swear, the little time I get to relax is filled with your arguing. Somebody’d think...” She went into one of those rants angry parents do whenever you give them the chance.
“If you don’t give it back we won’t be friends anymore.” I whispered to her through the yelling.
She glanced at the floor and back to me. I smiled. She leaned in:
“Meet me at Rebecca’s tomorrow after lunch.”
“With the pool? What has that got to do with anything?”
“Just go!” She snapped at me. My fists tightened again. Then she smiled back, “You know the only reason you don’t like it is because you’re afraid of the water.”
“Shut up...bitch” That’d get her. I crossed my arms.
Her eyes got all wide then she said, “You had better hope I don’t tell anyone, Chris.” She grinned then, “Else you’ll be dead. Bye, Chris!” She called loudly, making sure her mother heard.
I walked out and slammed the door. I stomped all the way down, picked up a stone and threw it at Ms. Turnblay’s brown cat.


The next day there were tons of kid walking around Rebbecca’s pool. Her family’s the only one rich enough to afford one. So a lot of people go there. It’s pretty big.
“Hey!” Casey called to me. She was swinging her legs off the edge of the pool. She grinned at me, “Come on.” And patted the spot next to her.
“I’m going inside.” I said. There was a ton of food. You could tell they decided to cook it up at the last minute. You could smell the burgers and hot dogs and stuff...anyway, I went inside for food.
I went into the living room. All the adults sat up on the chairs while the kids who didn’t want to play outside sat on the floor and ate. I found my friend John there.
“What’s up?” He says between loud chumps of his burger.
“Quit chewing so damn loud.” I said.
“Hey!” His face wrinkled at me as he glances up at the adults who heard. They just smile and chuckle and turn back to the TV. “Watch your mouth.” He whispered to me.
“If you’d watch yours, I wouldn’t have to say anything. Where’s the food?” I ask.
He shrugged, “I don’t know, they moved it. It’s probably all gone.” He stared at me for a second, “Why are you here?”
“What, I’m not allowed to Becca’s house now? Since when are you my dad?”
“Calm down!” He said, still staring around at the grown-ups, “I just thought you were afraid of water. Casey said-”
“Forget what Casey said!” I stood up, “The only thing I’m afraid of is having to sit by you, fatso! You probably ate the rest of the damn food!”
“Hey!” A lady sitting down yelled at me, “You calm down! You’ve been a mess ever since you walked in here. Now just be quiet and sit down.”
I sat down, but I gave that lady a look that my dad always gives me.
John looked down at his hands, “That was a stupid joke.”
“You’re stupid.”
We sat there for a few seconds. I said quieter, “I came because Casey told me to. We’re supposed to meet here.”
“Why?” He wiped his face and rubbed his dirty hands on his pants.
“Because she has something of mine.” I say.
“Oh.” He looked at me, “Well, go get her. She’s a b anyway.” We laughed, but I thought it was lame he wouldn’t even say the whole word, “She’ll probably just push you in the pool to mess with you.”
“Yeah...” I said. John stopped smiling. But I stood up and grinned real big, walking out the door.
She wore a pink one-piece bathing suit with a tutu thing around the hip. She looked at me but didn’t say anything.
“Give it back. Now.” I sat beside her, but I didn’t dip my foot in the pool like she did.
“Why should I?” Her voice shook, “After everything that’s happened I should tell on you and be done.”
I stared down at the water. My stomach got real tight and I wanted to throw up. But I didn’t want to seem like a baby. “Don’t...tell anyone. Just give it to me.” My voice wavered and she snickered. “It’s not yours to have.”
“It is now.” She stared at me and grinned, “Bitch.” She said.
I took a deep breath and shut my eyes. I slid in, pulling her in with me.
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Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:22 am
Stargirl101 says...



Oh gosh! I wonder what this guy's (or possibly girl's) secret is? What is it he wants from Casey? All these unanswered questions give the writing a more interesting twist, and I am sure readers will like that. Apart from one or two typos, everything is perfect. I hope I can read more of your work!
Presence is a curious thing. If you need to prove you’ve got it, probably never had it in the first place. It’s not an ostentatious, adolescent display. It should be something effortless. Somebody once said: ‘The whisper is louder than the shout.’ Well amen to that.
  





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Wed Oct 26, 2011 10:18 am
Lava says...



Hi there!

That's quite an interesting story. I read the spoiler after reading the story and I'm not sure what tone you were looking for, but it was a good read. So, good job!

But I was confused. Is the narrator a girl or a boy? Calling him/her Chris in the beginning made me think he's a guy, but at the end, you have Casey saying the b-word. So, *utterly confused.* Also, I'm a a bit puzzled about the relationship between Casey and the MC. I don't know what to make of it and their ages. The story would've been so much stronger if I'd understood these.

Nevertheless, a good story.
Casey grabbed my hand to pull us across the street and out of sitesight.
Li'l mixup of words.
Your dialogue is pretty good. I would like a little more description thrown in though.

I took a deep breath and shut my eyes. I slid in, pulling her in with me.
Nice way to end. Although, I'm iffy about the word 'slid'. Try something else, perhaps? Also, do they both drown? D:

Another thing I noticed was that your tenses were quite wonky, like on a roller coaster ride. Not a big deal, but try sticking to either past or present tense. You started off with pats, put in a couple of present and then past again. It can get quite confusing.

Keep writing!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Thu Oct 27, 2011 2:18 am
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Yuriiko says...



Hey there!

The first thing I noticed is your punctuation.

“Nothing.” She said.


“I’m going inside.” I said.


Those dots should be a comma, since there is a speech tag that follows after the dialog. So it should be written like this:

"Nothing," she said.

"I'm going inside," I said.

Second, I think you have a child-like story concept here. Although I have to agree with Lava about your main character's identity. Throughout the story, it's confusing to predict your MC's gender and age. But I'm pretty sure it's a boy, but then again, the way he acts and talks to Casey seems manly and mature, so this actually bothered me a bit 'cause I couldn't tell how old he is.

The story was okay. I actually laughed at the ending part of the story, it was very clever of him. ^^ However, there was only a tad excitement going on here and there, and mostly the character was throwing angst and grumbling to the readers. I thought it could have been best if you showed more of your character's expression of anger- not just by swearing or shouting-those are just typical descriptions you can give to us, in my opinion. 'Showing his fist' is overdone throughout the story... how about his piercing eyes? how he clenches his teeth, etc. For me, you just seem to blandly dictate your character's actions. I want to know more about his reactions and thoughts. Shouldn't there be also a tint of anxiety in the story? Like for example, did he had any regrets for telling Casey something of his secrets? Also, you need to draw out more of his emotions into the story. What I think you're offering us here could be done better. Try creating a more dimensional characters and build the atmosphere better.

All in all, this has potential. I thought this was really interesting and funny. Keep it up.

Keep writing,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  








We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
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